Happy 2013

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letting go of negativity

Can you be negative and positive at the same time? Can you hide behind the defenses of negativity and still be a positive person? I am in God's school of hope and healing and I am learning that I need to undo years of wrong thinking patterns that are holding me back from meeting my potential as a child of God. In the past I have been surprised when others have seen me as a negative person because I don't feel like I am a negative person. Inside I feel full of hope. Now I am seeing what is behind that. "Expect the worst and hope for the best." This has been a maxim for my life to help protect me from disappointment. In my old line of thinking I did hope for the best, but passively, just hoping that good things would come my way. If they didn't, I wasn't surprised, after all I expected the worst. This does WORK to some extent as a method for guarding the heart, but it sets up a false limit in our minds and our low expectations can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I am discovering that negativity is a self-protection method that I want to leave behind for the new year and beyond. It is more important now than ever, as we are hoping for my son's healing from a rare condition that he may have. My good friend gave me a book called The Mind to Heal by Doreen Lecheler. It is causing me to realize that if I am hoping for healing, my negative thinking (which leads to negative speaking) about his condition and my expecting the worst will hold us back from fully receiving God's healing. In other words, the expecting the worst is not a self-preservation method that is ultimately worth it. Instead, God asks me to lean fully into Him with fully abandoned hope, trusting the results to Him. He is the one who will protect my heart. So now I am on a negativity detox, from my mind and my words. I must not expect cancer or a short lifespan for my son. I must allow God to heal. I'm still learning, so please walk with me, my friend. "This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." Deuteronomy 30:19

GPT

You've heard of Pacific Standard Time or maybe Eastern Standard Time but I'm trying to learn how to operate in a different timezone: GPT. It stands for God's Perfect Timing. Turns out I haven't had much faith in it in the past. Our God often operates on a timetable that seems too late or last-minute to feel comfortable to me. I'm the kind of person who'd like to be five minutes early everywhere so I can have that extra margin of time "just incase." I seem to forget that God sees the whole picture and that it's impossible for Him to be too late for anything because He's the author of the story. So I'm trying to be humble and learn to trust. This is especially hard for me right now as I wait for my oldest son's diagnosis and prepare to move back to Taiwan with my husband and two sons. I don't feel ready to leave my family. So many services are just coming together for my son and he is making good progress. We don't know for sure what his diagnosis is or where he can receive treatment in Taiwan. Christmas and important family birthdays are just around the corner. I wish I could drag my feet or refuse to go, but instead I'm trying to trust. Trust that if it's really not the right time to go that God will make a way to stay. Trust that God can change my husband's heart as He sees fit. Trust that a diagnosis is not a death sentence. Trust that when I'm back in Taiwan and homesick that God will be with me each step of the way. Trust that comfort and joy aren't just for the Christmas season. Trust that God knows what my son needs. Trust in His unfailing Love. Trust in God's Perfect Timing.

Comfort and Joy

I was going to name this post something more dismal like "sadness" but then at church this morning I received God's comfort through his Word and that seemed somehow more uplifting. I just wanted to express that even though what I said in my last post was true--that I am choosing hope and joy through thankfulness--still, I am sad. Can a person be sad and joyful at the same time? Yes. We can feel sorrow or grief in our life and yet have the all-sustaining peace and Joy of the Lord as an anchor for our soul. So I just wanted to say that I'm sad. I'm sad that my son may not live past his teenage years and may not have the kind of life I would imagine for him. Even though I trust God, I am sad right now. Even though I don't know for sure his diagnosis or prognosis, I am sad right now. It's a grief that I imagine will be lurking around unless God chooses to miraculously heal my son. I still don't understand everything that's going on medically because the doctors don't want to say too much until there's been further testing. But I've read the google explanations and the parents' stories, so at this point the doctors' vague answers are not really helping. I do believe God can heal Caleb, but I don't know if he will choose to do so or not. Right now I am making the choice to believe that no matter what happens, God is Good and I will praise Him. He walks with us and that brings Comfort and Joy. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." If I didn't admit I was sad, I wouldn't be able to receive His great comfort. And man, how I needed that this morning. 'Tis the season--of Comfort and Joy!

giving thanks anyways

Well, we learned more about Caleb's situation just before Thanksgiving this year. The doctor called to tell us the results of yet more tests that they did on my son recently. I just expected her to say that they all came back negative again. Only she didn't. They found something. This excited me because I want desperately to be able to explain why my kid is not healthy and has so many delays. However, after the initial excitement of finding out that my son has "shortened telomeres," I soon discovered that that's pretty bad news. I want to say really bad news but I must not forget that God is in control and that this "news" didn't surprise him, so how bad can news really be? I trust Him. So what are shortened telomeres, you ask? Good question! I'm trying to research it but I'm still about as clear as mud on all of it. My Taiwanese friend said it's like the plastic tips at the end of shoelaces, protecting the DNA from breaking down. As we age our telomeres shorten naturally, but you wouldn't expect to see them shortened in a two year old. Medically speaking it means a shortened life expectancy and a high risk for cancers. I say medically speaking because my God is the great physician and nothing that is written on google or in my doctor's handbooks is written in stone for the life of my little boy. I trust Him. Well, now that we know he has shortened telomeres, now what? Now the doctors are seeking approval from insurance to do further genetic testing based on this new information. I hate to even write it but the disorder that would most closely match his symptoms is called Dyskeratosis Congenita. I don't want to go into all the details here but it's a grim prognosis to say the least. Please Lord, no! And yet I know that if that's what it is He will walk with me through it. I trust Him. People say that being thankful is a choice and that choosing gratitude brings Joy. It all sounds cliche until you're dealing with a bunch of bad news the week of Thanksgiving. But it's true. I can choose joy by focusing on what I'm thankful for, and right at the top of my list is: each and every day with my sweet boys. As parents we never know how much time we will have to enjoy our children here on this earth, whether they come with a diagnosis or not. So I choose to cherish each day and I choose to have a grateful heart. After all, I trust Him.

progress

Thank you for your positive feedback on my last post. I just wanted to say that in these past few weeks we've been seeing a lot of progress with Caleb. In every area. He's grown physically, his blood counts are up, and he's making improvements with gross/fine motor and speech. The therapists who did his original evaluation say that he looks like a totally different kid. Not to say that he's entirely healed or caught up to other kids his age, but when he is making progress it is much more encouraging to this mama's heart. Usually as parents we get the gift of seeing our kids grow and change right before our eyes, but for a while Caleb had been stunted. He didn't grow. He didn't develop. He didn't learn any new tricks. That was hard to watch. However, it is equally wonderful to see him progress. In the past month he has grown a little taller, learned to walk much better, actually cleared the ground on his jumping attempts, and started trying to say words, for starters. He still looks funny when he walks, and he still mostly makes vowel sounds when he talks, but that doesn't stop me from being incredibly proud of his accomplishments. He FINALLY will try to repeat words that you say to him (just new in this past week). It's the funnest game for me--Caleb, say mama: "Aaah!" Say dada "Aaah!" Say Papa: "Aaaah!" He's even eating better, though he usually only eats well at about one meal a day. Low appetite, but when he wants to he can feed himself well with a spoon or fork. Or his new favorite: picking up a bean burrito and biting it from the middle. He is such a clever boy, and when he wants to be he can be incredibly affectionate which just sweeps me off my feet. I love the sly smile he gets when he has a good [or bad] idea or just before he kisses someone. I love watching him sweep and rake with Papa (my dad) and do anything else he sees Papa doing. I love how enthusiastic he is about helping with laundry or dishes. I love that he has grown to love his little brother. Every day I can't believe how truly blessed I am to have him as my son. And God is definitely using him to stretch our faith and to bless his grandparents! Thank you, Lord.

special needs

I guess nobody ever envisions themselves becoming the parent of a special needs child. When I was still in Taiwan and starting to notice the signs that my little boy was 'special,' many people tried to comfort and reassure me that he was probably just on his own timeline--nothing to worry about. I know those people were trying to comfort me and help me not worry too much, as mommies tend to do. However, it made it all the more shocking when it turned out that my fiercely loved elder son is indeed delayed in many areas. "Global delays," is what they called it, to indicate that he is delayed in about every area. Since that initial shock I have been doing a lot of thinking about what this means. Well, only in a general sense because after these first few months of knowing something is wrong, we still don't have a real diagnosis for my son. It appears his delays probably stem from a medical condition that is very enigmatic in nature. Our doctors have run so many tests and still haven't found a lead. Apart from the medical problems, I've been thinking about the paradox of how we as humans desperately want to be special, yet mostly all want to be normal at the same time. We especially want our kids to be normal, which is why I believe so many people persuaded me that my son was 'perfectly normal.' But as it turns out, now that I know he has special needs, do I love him any less? Not a smidgen. Do I think he's any less smart or clever? Not at all. Is his value as a person in any way undermined? Not in the least. So why do we worry so much about making sure our kids are normal. I've come to embrace the special, because that's what my little boy is. And he is SO special to me--words can't describe. I love him more and more each day as we discover each other and as I get to watch him discover the world. He is a really sweet and creative boy. One of the hardest things with all that's going on has been accepting that for now--maybe for long term even--I don't get to know what's going on in that little body of his. God knows. If He intended for me to know, I would know. I have to rest in that and be okay in that. God created my little Caleb and he knows and loves him oh so much more than I do. And He has great plans for Caleb. Plans He made with Caleb in mind. Plans that will not be thwarted by developmental delays or low platelets. Caleb is special, my special little boy. And I cherish him.

Isaac's Dedication

Well, yesterday we dedicated our baby Isaac Joshua to the Lord. Here is the blessing I read to him, though I forgot to have it translated into Chinese. Oops. Dear Isaac Joshua, The name Isaac means laughter and it is our prayer that you will bring smiles, laughter and the Joy of the Lord with you wherever you go. Already you have brought so much Joy to our family, and your sweet smiles and giggles are a huge blessing to us. God hand-picked you for our family and hand-picked our family for you. You and your brother Caleb share the same middle name, Joshua, and we pray that you will grow to become good friends and men of great Faith. Isaac, you are a strong, easygoing and friendly baby. We can’t wait to see how God will use your life. We will do our best to teach you to love God and follow his ways. We love you with all of our hearts, Your Mom and Dad Our dedication was to take place right after worship and we pulled up to church just in time. Not in time, however, to change Isaac's poop explosion that he decided to create in the car. Or his milk barf. Just a little something extra for the dedication. The funny thing is that Caleb also had a poop explosion just before his baby dedication. Good thing I've learned to bring an extra outfit. Always an adventure! We love you Baby Isaac

More than Happiness

Want to know how to discourage a new mother of two? When she returns from an outing with both of her babies and her large double stroller tell her that you've noticed that her older son is so unhappy these days. Let her know you never see him smile anymore. That's how the guard of our building has chosen to greet me recently. The other day after such an exchange I found myself riding up the elevator in tears. But God met me in that moment. Sometimes it's hard to measure how good of a job you're doing when you're a mother. It's tempting to measure it by the happiness of your child. When he is smiling and laughing you feel like a good mother, but when he is moody, crying about one thing after another, and unhappy for a good portion of the day, you must be a bad mother, right? Wrong, as God reminded me. It's about more than happiness. God's ultimate goal for my son, and for you and me, is more than happiness. James 1:2-4 tells us to "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." God's desire for us is to develop our character into the likeness of Christ. This is not to say that he doesn't want us to be happy. He wants us to live life to the fullest (John 10:10)! But He knows what is best for us and values maturity of character and fruit that will last over temporal happiness. A good parent will naturally desire for his/her child to be happy. But a good parent realizes that the goal of godliness for his/her child comes above the goal of happiness. If it was all about happiness then it would make sense to give in to my child's every desire and give him everything he wants. But it's not all about happiness. We all know what happens to the child who gets everything he/she wants. It's not pretty. That's not what I want for my children and that's not what God wants for me. I have been learning how this applies not only to my kids but to me as well. Even though it should be obvious, I had forgotten or lost sight of this truth. I was struggling in my marriage and wondering why God wasn't making it easier. When I prayed it always seemed to get harder and I wondered why it felt like God wasn't helping me. Finally I realized that God was trying to develop my character. When I prayed, he provided challenges, aka opportunities to grow. Opportunities to obey. I failed. Almost every single time. But now that I see things differently, I am ready to try harder. I am no longer asking for God to make it easier, but for him to give me the strength to do the right thing when the trials come. Because they will. It does not say anywhere in the Bible that when we pray, God will take all trials away from us. But it does say that He will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5). And 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us that scripture equips us for every good work. I want to be the kind of wife and mother that is equipped to do good works that will bless my family. God is helping me become that wife and mother. Caleb continues to be moody and opinionated, but he also has a super sweet side to him. Recently he has become much more affectionate with me and will even give me kisses--sometimes when I ask for them and sometimes all on his own. He is struggling a bit to find his place in the family and also beginning to assert his independence more. As a mother I have the difficult job of knowing when to say no and when to say yes. I try to say yes as much as possible in order not to crush his spirit, but I still have to say no plenty of times throughout the day. Pray for me to have discernment, perseverance and patience as Caleb's mother. Pray for me to be a mother that encourages creativity and gives my children the space they need to grow and learn. I want to work hard to provide a nurturing environment, positive memories, and fun experiences for my kids. It's a hard job, but I'm so glad God hand-picked me to be Caleb and Isaac's mom. What a joy!

Life with Two

I am so loving my life with two littles. They are both so precious in their own unique ways. I'd also like to say I am really thankful that I've had enough help from hubby, mother-in-law, and church friends that I can actually enjoy life with them instead of pull my hair out every day. Isaac continues to be the best baby on the planet. He sleeps well, eats well, smiles a big goofy grin and loves having conversations with people. I am so smitten. Caleb is struggling more with the transition to a family of four, but I have seen a lot of improvement in him. And God's grace is sufficient--every single day! Thank you, Lord. He provides everything we need: emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I am infusing my days with the boys with praise, joy and thankfulness. I fill the days with singing and teaching them about God's blessings. We are incredibly blessed. And when everything is going wrong and both kids are crying or Caleb is trying to hit his head on the ground, I praise Him. Having two littles is difficult at times, but I know this phase will pass quickly and I'm trying to enjoy the moments. I'm grateful to God for his help and guidance each step of the way. In Chinese when a couple gets married they combine two of the characters for joy and call it "double happiness." I would like to combine four of the characters for joy--quadruple happiness--that is my new family!

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Isaac's First Week

He's here! Finally, all the waiting is over and our precious boy is here to hold and adore. Up until the very end I kept hoping that I would go into labor naturally, but that did not seem to be God's plan, so I went in to be induced on Monday Feb. 20th. Isaac Joshua was born on Feb. 21st at 4:08 am--birth story to come. This birth was more difficult for me than the birth of my firstborn, partially because Isaac was about a pound bigger and had a larger head. Also, since the induction took so long I was very tired after he was born--Josh and I went right to sleep in our deluxe hospital bed. We paid more to get the nice room with a double bed. My mom stayed with us and helped as we needed it. After a few hours of rest they brought Isaac to our room. He had nursed right away after being born and I was eager to feed him again after getting off to a rocky start with my firstborn. Isaac was a natural! Sometimes it took him a while to latch on properly, but then when he got it he had a good strong suck, so that was a relief to me. After nursing he would get very sleepy and would conk out for a few hours. Josh and I rested and ate to get our energy back and Josh enjoyed having access to TV stations that played Jeremy Lin's games and interviews over and over. Yes, he is 'Linsane!'

Isaac was born in the middle of the night Tuesday and we stayed in the hospital until Thursday. This time we were at St. Joseph's Hospital in Kaohsiung and I highly recommend it to anyone who values breastfeeding and rooming in with their baby. Both at the hospital and after getting home we enjoyed some sweet visits from sweet friends and were/are blessed by the many gifts and congratulations that people have brought to us. At home Isaac continued to be a sleepyhead, eating about every three hours during the day and about every 4-5 hours during the night. (I usually have to wake him up but sometimes I can't get myself to move.) So far Isaac has just been a dream baby, and more how I expected a newborn to be from everything I read before Caleb was born. Caleb was much more uptight and demanding as a newborn and didn't like to be put down or fall asleep or have you sit down while you held him. Isaac is pretty content to sit in his chair and falls asleep easily almost anywhere. I have to make sure I don't neglect him sometimes because he's such an easy baby! (so far)

Caleb is doing well. He had a hard time accepting his little brother at first but has made amazing progress in the first week. At first he couldn't even look at his brother, but now he points at him and squeals or tries to touch him. You have to guide his hands to make sure he's gentle. The hardest thing for Caleb though is watching Isaac nurse. It makes Caleb jealous and sometimes he even tries smashing his head on the [tile] ground to get our attention. A few times I've attempted nursing them at the same time but I am a little worried Caleb will crush Isaac so I'm trying not to make it a habit. The other day when Isaac was crying, Caleb tried to share his crackers with him, so I see his sweetness and sharing heart coming out even though he struggles sometimes. God has blessed us with sweet boys!

One big blessing during Isaac's first week was a baby shower that my BCC (church) friends threw for me while my mom was here. Since Isaac was so new we didn't bring him, but the ladies prayed blessings on him and me and on our family and it was a wonderful time for my mom and I. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the many blessings God has brought us.

Two quick comical notes:

1. What's under that blanket?

When Caleb was new and I used to use a nursing cover to feed him, people always asked me what was under the blanket, or asked if the baby was sleeping and would try to peek in. This time around, my mom brought us an awesome double stroller and I usually cover Isaac up with a blanket to avoid people's questions about how old he is. (It's taboo to take out a baby that is less than three months in Taiwan.) But people aren't used to double strollers like the one I have and they see Caleb in the front and point to the back and ask, "What's under that blanket?" Makes me laugh.

2, hormones

I remember having this problem when Caleb was born too. I feel really prematurely emotional about Isaac growing up and moving out. If I try to talk about it, I start crying. Josh just laughs at me and I know I'm being a little ridiculous but I just can't seem to help being a blubbery mess!

That's all for now!
-Paula

Isaac's Birth Story

My due date came and went and it's an understatement to say that I was getting impatient waiting for Baby to be born. My original due date was Feb. 5th, so if that was accurate I was already two weeks late when my mom arrived in town and we were scheduled for an induction the next morning. This baby was heavier than my firstborn and I was ready to get him out! My husband, mom and I arrived at the hospital around 10am on Monday, February 20th, ready to get the show on the road. However, it turns out they take a very conservative approach to induction in Taiwan, beginning with oral meds. One dose is one pill per hour for three hours, so we started with that. They had me change into a red hospital gown with sunflowers on it, which made me laugh. The nurse on duty was very friendly, so that was reassuring. We payed 2,000NT to get a private labor/delivery room (about $60 US, well worth it!) It came with a TV and Josh was excited that he could feed his Linsanity while I labored. After doing fetal monitoring for a while the nurse said I could get up and walk around, so my mom made our way around the hospital, returning every 30 minutes to check the baby's heartbeat and/or take another pill. From what I'd heard about taking Pitocin I was a little scared, so it seemed good to start out slowly, especially since I was not dilated at all. When I'd finished the first three pills they said they would give me three more. I thought it was a little tedious, but figured if it didn't start my labor that they would have to start me on Pitocin. Well, three more pills and three slow hours later they said they would give me three more pills and then call it a day. I started crying. I came to have a baby, not to wait around forever! Since I was crying they said they would discuss my options with the doctor. That sounded good at least.

One funny thing--at four a new nurse came on shift and I was relieved that she also seemed quite friendly. But there was one thing that she was really concerned about. She kept asking me if I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. She said that second-time-moms have their babies really fast and that if I felt like I had to poop I should tell her right away because otherwise I would go to the bathroom and my baby would just be born in the toilet. This hardly seemed like it could be the situation since I was barely dilated and barely in labor, but every time she came in the room she would ask, "Do you feel like you have to poop?" much to our amusement. One time I really did feel like I had to 'go,' but of course I didn't tell her, I just went ahead and 'went.' I wanted to mess with her a little but my mom didn't think it was a good idea.

Around dinnertime Josh and my mom went out to get food. I was having some contractions, but nothing too serious or regular. The doctor said I could take a stronger pill, but that one he could only give me once every three hours, and he would only give me two more before stopping for the day. I felt a bit uneasy because I was worried that I would start labor enough to be uncomfortable all night but not enough to have a baby. But after dinner the nurse came in with the pill so I figured I would take it. After that I was starting to have more regular contractions, about 5-6 minutes apart, but still not very painful. I was getting excited because it seemed like things were finally progressing. Sometime around 7 or 8pm they checked me and I was at 2 cm. Not much, but better than nothing! But as the medicine wore off my contractions were getting less regular, I was getting discouraged again.

Then a new nurse came on shift. She was older than the previous two and not as friendly, but not mean either. She said she could start me on Pitocin because we needed my contractions to be three minutes apart in order to progress. I was torn because on one hand that was what I'd been waiting for all day but on the other hand it was now about 10pm and I was starting to feel a little tired. My mom pointed out though that my contractions were coming fast enough (4-5 min) and powerful enough (still tolerable but I had to lean on a chair and breathe through them) that I probably wouldn't be able to get much rest that night anyways. I wanted to get the baby to come but I was scared of what Pitocin-induced contractions every three minutes would feel like. The nurse came back and was ready to hook me up to the IV so I had to lay down. Right away when I lay down the contractions felt incredibly uncomfortable and started coming faster and faster it seemed. I was grateful after being hooked up that they let me get back out of the bed. Now attatched to the IV my range of motion was smaller, but I would squat down between the chair and the dresser during contractions and it seemed to take some of the pressure off. I also figured it was good for trying to move the baby down because he hadn't dropped yet. We carried on like that with my mom timing the contractions for some time and the contractions continued to get more intense. I had read more about labor this time around and something I read said that if you can relax enough and move the right way contractions don't have to be painful. I found that to be true up till about 1am and then they would come on so intensely that I had to start making some noise at the peak of each contraction. The nurse came to check at 1 and it turned out she had never even given me the Pitocin in the IV. She said it seemed like things were progressing fine without it so she never injected it into the IV bag.

By 2am I was getting too loud for the nurse to ignore me so she came in to check. I told my mom that if I was less than 5cm dilated I was ready for the epidural and she said that sounded fair. The nurse checked me and said that I was 4-5cm. I said I wanted the epidural. She said no. She said the baby was going to be here really fast. I asked how long. She said 2 hours. I said I couldn't make it that long. She said I had to get in the bed. I asked why. She said she wanted to monitor more closely and that the baby was going to be there really soon. I started panicking in my mind. I felt strongly that I couldn't make it two more hours, but even more so I was terrified about getting in the bed. Looking back I wonder why I didn't fight harder? I don't know? I was too tired I guess. I got in the bed and was overcome with fear and dread. We kicked my mom out because the nurse wanted to be checking my progress all the time (like every contraction--fun, fun).

Right away when I got in the bed my contractions became much further apart, but also more and more unbearable with each one. After it was over I would lay there terrified of the next one, but when it delayed I would fall asleep for a couple minutes. Josh was holding my hand and praying for me, which helped. I felt like God was giving me the little resting breaks in between the contractions. It would be peaceful for a moment but then I would know a contraction was coming because I would be awakened by my whole body trembling. Then I would say "no no no," but it would come on just the same, and I couldn't do anything but lay there and scream. All thoughts of relaxing through the contraction or trying to let my body do what it needed to do were out the window. I was just trying to survive what was happening to me. I felt very powerless and consumed by dread.

Around 3am she decided to give me that Pitocin in the IV after all because she really wanted to get the contractions 3 minutes apart. I was filled with even more dread and terror and let's just say she wasn't my favorite person in the world. But soon after that she was contacting the doctor. Still, I was waiting for signs like my water breaking or feeling the urge to push, which I hadn't felt so it seemed like birth was still far away.

Not long after that she was asking me if I felt the urge to push. I said no but she said to push anyways. The way they had me in the bed was awkward and I couldn't figure out how to push. They put up these platforms to push my feet against like doing squats at the gym, and they pulled levers for my arms but everything seemed to be at the wrong angle and just felt wrong. I tried to push anyways. I couldn't tell if it was working or not. Around 3:40 she ran and told the doctor to come in and he did. I felt better because I liked him much better than the nurse and trusted him, but I still didn't feel like birth would be soon. I kept waiting to feel the urge to push. It never came. I kept waiting for my water to break. Later I found out that the doctor broke it when he came in but nobody told me. Nobody ever said if I was fully dilated. Also the nurse who was not my best friend kept trying to lay across my stomach (they do that here) even though I was asking her not to. I was only semi-conscious of what was going on because of being in so much pain and fear and just from being tired I guess. They kept telling me to push and I was trying but it felt like if I pushed any harder than I was that my body would burst. I could feel the size of what I was trying to push out and I was 99% sure it was not going to fit through the opening. I kept saying "it's stuck." I kept waiting for them to confirm that there was no way it could get out, but all the doctor said was "Ta de tou man da de," or his head is pretty big. Not encouraging. Well I pushed and pushed and I did burst in the sense that even though the doctor gave me an episiotomy I still tore. Not fun. And then I couldn't believe it but I saw Isaac's purple head coming out. Praise the Lord! I couldn't believe this child was actually being born. I couldn't see the rest of him coming out because the nurse laid on me again which seemed highly unnecessary and annoying. But the next moment they were laying him on top of me, blood-matted hair, purple body and all. I loved him, of course. He was born at 4:08 am.

Next they took him to the side to work on him while I was stitched up. I seemed to feel each stitch and my body was shaking uncontrollably. Even though I was glad he was out, I couldn't say that I felt relief. Maybe thirty minutes later they laid him back on my chest and I was even allowed to breastfeed him. He knew just what to do--Praise God! Nobody hurried us. When we were all done in the delivery room, they had us move into our hospital room, which was deluxe because we decided why not splurge on the nice room? I'm glad we did. Those were a sweet couple of first days of nursing, snuggling and visiting (and watching Jeremy Lin for Josh). Josh and I slept well for about four hours and then they brought Isaac to stay with us forever. What a wonderful time we've had since. Isaac is a sweet baby who sleeps hard, nurses well and makes cute squeaky noises. I pictured him being more active and demanding of my attention, but I suppose there is time for that later. For now he's just our little angel baby and we love him with all of our hearts. Caleb is still adjusting, which can be hard, but I'm proud of him as well. And that is the story of how we became a family of four! All I can say is forget all this natural birth nonsense; next time I want the epidural!

The Waiting

Wow, it's been a long and frustrating five weeks. That's how long I've been in the 'any moment now' phase of preparing for our second son's birth. Following in his brother Caleb's footsteps, it seems he's waiting until the last minute. Caleb went 9 days late, which seemed like forever, coming the day before the doctor was going to induce. Tomorrow will be 14 days late for this baby, and the doctor will induce the day after that (Monday) if he doesn't come on his own by then. I am so frustrated because Josh has had a month or so off of school and he goes back next week. Also my mom arrives tomorrow night for a visit and I just wanted to be already settled in at home with Baby before she arrived. I couldn't have imagined that I could go this late. At this point things may not even have gotten started by the time she arrives. And then there are the dates I wanted--Feb. 12th because it's a niece's birthday, Feb. 14th for Valentine's, and even though I didn't want to wait that long, Feb. 16th for Josh's birthday would have been so special! Every day I am so sure that today is the day and then I go to bed thinking 'what happened?' I am trying to trust God's timing, but I just don't get it. I feel like we missed out on having some sweet family time, and now I may miss out on having a shot at a natural birth. I reserve the right to get an epidural if I want one, but after reading so much more about birth this time I really wanted to be able to try moving around during labor to see if it would help me get through it. The way they do things in Taiwan doesn't really support being able to move, especially if you get induced. I know this is a lot of whining, but I am low on friends in my life so I'm letting it all out here.

Any mother who's gone late knows the waiting can be excruciating. You try to prepare yourself for it. I did. I asked my doctor to move my due date a week back (from Feb. 5th to Feb. 12th) because they only let you go a week past due date here. Now I wonder if that was such a wise move after all. Anyways, I tried to focus on that new due date as the real one, even though I knew it wasn't accurate. But then Baby started measuring big. By 37 weeks he was bigger than Caleb was at birth. 'Surely he will come out sooner,' I thought. WRONG. So I packed my bag a little over 5 weeks ago and started bugging Josh to always have his cell phone on and charged. But nothing has happened. Not even any real contractions. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to wait, but it is.

I guess God is trying to grow some more patience and trust in me. And thankfulness. I do thank God for a healthy pregnancy. Really, I can't complain too much. And yet I've been borderline depressed lately--low appetite, not only for food but for life. The days drag. I drag. Caleb has been spending lots of time at Grandma's house and I stopped even fighting it. Bored. Lonely. Waiting.

It's made me think a bit about Christ's coming. I don't really live in that 'any moment now,' kind of mindset. It's too hard! But I realize I need to cultivate more of a desire for his coming in my life. Speaking of which, the season of Lent begins next week. What are you doing to prepare for Easter?

Thanks for letting me vent,
Paula

Happy 2012

It seems a bit funny that I am late in writing this post as one of my new year's resolutions from last year was to make peace with being late. It's actually the only resolution I kept and it has helped Josh and I avoid numerous conflicts, so I'd say it was a good one. The only time I CAN'T relax about being late is when I'm teaching. When I'm teaching if I'm not at least ten minutes early I go into a slight panic attack. I had two other resolutions in 2011 and I didn't really keep either of them. One was to get more hair washes, but Josh won't let me because I'm pregnant. The other was to journal more--I give myself a D- on that one. Oh well, it was a good year, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed every day with my baby boy. The wonder never wears off for me. Even though I can't slow time down, I can make sure that I cherish the moments, and even though there are hard times, for the most part I really do cherish each moment with Caleb as well as the times our family of three (almost 4) is together.

Well, instead of resolutions for 2012, I've decided to come up with a list of goals for small things I hope to accomplish this year, mostly things I have never done. Or some of them I have just never done in Taiwan. I am listing 12 goals, but my real and actual goal is to accomplish 10 of them. Hey, I need a lot of grace, people. Here they are:

1. Make my own Play-doh
2. Use the mymemories software that I won to make something glorious
3. bake bread
4. make stovetop popcorn
5. make lasagna
6. make yogurt
7. make deviled eggs
8. make pancakes
9. make a cheeseball
10. make chicken lettuce wraps
11. make enchiladas
12. make carrot cake

I love how items 3-12 are all food items. Well, I am trying to learn how to cook so it makes sense. One drawback to my current setup is that I can't use the stovetop and the oven at the same time, but at least I have an oven now so I won't complain.

I guess I do have one resolution, but it's more of a lifetime resolution than a new year's resolution. I've been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs and realized I need to learn how to speak respectfully to my husband (including facial expresssion and tone of voice.) Man, is that hard! But I know it will be worth it in terms of benefiting my marriage and household. Other than that I just keep on keeping on in the gentle school of homemaking. Sometimes I still get really overwhelmed or discouraged, but I try my best to stay positive and focus on small improvements.

This year we look forward to the arrival of our second little bundle of joy!

Happy 2012 everyone!