Happy 2013

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letting go of negativity

Can you be negative and positive at the same time? Can you hide behind the defenses of negativity and still be a positive person? I am in God's school of hope and healing and I am learning that I need to undo years of wrong thinking patterns that are holding me back from meeting my potential as a child of God. In the past I have been surprised when others have seen me as a negative person because I don't feel like I am a negative person. Inside I feel full of hope. Now I am seeing what is behind that. "Expect the worst and hope for the best." This has been a maxim for my life to help protect me from disappointment. In my old line of thinking I did hope for the best, but passively, just hoping that good things would come my way. If they didn't, I wasn't surprised, after all I expected the worst. This does WORK to some extent as a method for guarding the heart, but it sets up a false limit in our minds and our low expectations can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I am discovering that negativity is a self-protection method that I want to leave behind for the new year and beyond. It is more important now than ever, as we are hoping for my son's healing from a rare condition that he may have. My good friend gave me a book called The Mind to Heal by Doreen Lecheler. It is causing me to realize that if I am hoping for healing, my negative thinking (which leads to negative speaking) about his condition and my expecting the worst will hold us back from fully receiving God's healing. In other words, the expecting the worst is not a self-preservation method that is ultimately worth it. Instead, God asks me to lean fully into Him with fully abandoned hope, trusting the results to Him. He is the one who will protect my heart. So now I am on a negativity detox, from my mind and my words. I must not expect cancer or a short lifespan for my son. I must allow God to heal. I'm still learning, so please walk with me, my friend. "This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." Deuteronomy 30:19

GPT

You've heard of Pacific Standard Time or maybe Eastern Standard Time but I'm trying to learn how to operate in a different timezone: GPT. It stands for God's Perfect Timing. Turns out I haven't had much faith in it in the past. Our God often operates on a timetable that seems too late or last-minute to feel comfortable to me. I'm the kind of person who'd like to be five minutes early everywhere so I can have that extra margin of time "just incase." I seem to forget that God sees the whole picture and that it's impossible for Him to be too late for anything because He's the author of the story. So I'm trying to be humble and learn to trust. This is especially hard for me right now as I wait for my oldest son's diagnosis and prepare to move back to Taiwan with my husband and two sons. I don't feel ready to leave my family. So many services are just coming together for my son and he is making good progress. We don't know for sure what his diagnosis is or where he can receive treatment in Taiwan. Christmas and important family birthdays are just around the corner. I wish I could drag my feet or refuse to go, but instead I'm trying to trust. Trust that if it's really not the right time to go that God will make a way to stay. Trust that God can change my husband's heart as He sees fit. Trust that a diagnosis is not a death sentence. Trust that when I'm back in Taiwan and homesick that God will be with me each step of the way. Trust that comfort and joy aren't just for the Christmas season. Trust that God knows what my son needs. Trust in His unfailing Love. Trust in God's Perfect Timing.

Comfort and Joy

I was going to name this post something more dismal like "sadness" but then at church this morning I received God's comfort through his Word and that seemed somehow more uplifting. I just wanted to express that even though what I said in my last post was true--that I am choosing hope and joy through thankfulness--still, I am sad. Can a person be sad and joyful at the same time? Yes. We can feel sorrow or grief in our life and yet have the all-sustaining peace and Joy of the Lord as an anchor for our soul. So I just wanted to say that I'm sad. I'm sad that my son may not live past his teenage years and may not have the kind of life I would imagine for him. Even though I trust God, I am sad right now. Even though I don't know for sure his diagnosis or prognosis, I am sad right now. It's a grief that I imagine will be lurking around unless God chooses to miraculously heal my son. I still don't understand everything that's going on medically because the doctors don't want to say too much until there's been further testing. But I've read the google explanations and the parents' stories, so at this point the doctors' vague answers are not really helping. I do believe God can heal Caleb, but I don't know if he will choose to do so or not. Right now I am making the choice to believe that no matter what happens, God is Good and I will praise Him. He walks with us and that brings Comfort and Joy. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." If I didn't admit I was sad, I wouldn't be able to receive His great comfort. And man, how I needed that this morning. 'Tis the season--of Comfort and Joy!