Goodbye 2010

A good year for life, a bad year for blogging...but hoping to change that in 2011. What a joy 2010 has been with the arrival of my firstborn son. I truly regret not journaling--blogging or otherwise--so I have made it a New Year's resolution to resume journaling--mostly on paper but occasionally here as well. I haven't written since I recorded my birth story so let me update you on the last {wonderful} five months of my life.

I was terrified of what would happen to my life after the baby was born. People had warned me that life would never be the same and I felt an impending doom looming over 'the rest of my life.' I knew that everything I knew was going to change, but what people didn't prepare me for, what I couldn't have known, was how amazingly JOYOUS and my life was about to become. I was so worried about losing my life that I forgot that biblical principle that when you lose your life, you actually find it. I was scared that I would go crazy changing diapers and caring for someone who couldn't say thank you, but I didn't understand that once I saw the face of my beloved son, changing a diaper wouldn't feel like a chore anymore. I would do anything for my little guy. I can honestly say that I'm learning so much about love through this child, and that I never knew love like this before. Not only is it my joy and privilege to take care of him, but I was wrong to think he couldn't say thank you. Sometimes when I'm feeding him, he looks up and gives me a goofy smile, and milk drips all down his cute little cheek. That is all the thank you I'll ever need. And if I didn't have that 'thank you,' it would still be my JOY to raise Caleb Joshua. It's all so worth it. I never knew.

As far as babies go, I believe we've been incredibly blessed as well. Caleb has a sweet little personality. His smiles, coos, and giggles light up my life like never before. I feel like I was made to be his mom (even though I'm not always convinced I'm doing my job very well.) It's so hard to describe, but from the moment he was born it's like God injected me with His LOVE IV and I have this pure love running through my very veins. We may not get as lucky with our next baby(ies) as far as the sweet personality, but I know that God will fill me with all the love I need for my future children, and I can't wait to see what that looks like!

A friend asked me if Caleb was taking the place of God in my life. I thought about it, but I answered no. Then I thought about it some more. I realized that loving and serving Caleb (and Josh) is the main job that God has given me right now, and that in doing these jobs to the best of my ability (weak though I am), I AM loving and serving God. I see the face of Jesus as I raise Caleb, and I understand God's love for me in a new and entirely different way than I had before. The love I have for Caleb blows me away. I told Josh at times it's so strong I feel like my heart is going to explode. He rolled his eyes at me because he thinks I'm SO WEIRD, which I am, but still, it's true. I've had to think about whether I am keeping Josh as #2 (just behind Jesus, of course). It's easy to love Caleb. As I said, it's in my veins. Loving a spouse is a differently wonderful kind of love and yet as those of us are married know, it becomes a daily choice to make. And some days are easier/harder than others. So I'm praying to keep my priorities straight, but the more I love and serve Caleb, the more Josh and I celebrate our relationship as well, and I love being in Josh's family. It's amazing how we were two people and now we are three. That may sound cliche, but it still boggles my mind.

Speaking of amazing, I'm constantly amazed that my body is now producing milk, and that the milk I make covers all of Caleb's nutritional needs. And that by drinking only that milk, he has now doubled his body weight. God is so good! Nursing was so difficult at first because we got off to a bad start, but I'm so grateful to my mom and the lactation expert who helped me stick with it--and to God, who has always provided just enough milk for each day. It started out painfullly, but now nursing as well is a true joy and I'm so glad that I was able to continue.

In our second year of marriage, I asked Josh what he thought love was. He said: 'sacrifice and enjoy.' I then continued to berate him and tell him what an idiot he was and that it made no sense at all. Now I understand. Now I know. It's another one of those biblical principles. When I truly sacrifice, I truly enjoy and the sacrifice doesn't feel like sacrifice. Sacrifice and enjoy. My new life.

Looking forward to more sacrificing and enjoying in 2011.