special needs

I guess nobody ever envisions themselves becoming the parent of a special needs child. When I was still in Taiwan and starting to notice the signs that my little boy was 'special,' many people tried to comfort and reassure me that he was probably just on his own timeline--nothing to worry about. I know those people were trying to comfort me and help me not worry too much, as mommies tend to do. However, it made it all the more shocking when it turned out that my fiercely loved elder son is indeed delayed in many areas. "Global delays," is what they called it, to indicate that he is delayed in about every area. Since that initial shock I have been doing a lot of thinking about what this means. Well, only in a general sense because after these first few months of knowing something is wrong, we still don't have a real diagnosis for my son. It appears his delays probably stem from a medical condition that is very enigmatic in nature. Our doctors have run so many tests and still haven't found a lead. Apart from the medical problems, I've been thinking about the paradox of how we as humans desperately want to be special, yet mostly all want to be normal at the same time. We especially want our kids to be normal, which is why I believe so many people persuaded me that my son was 'perfectly normal.' But as it turns out, now that I know he has special needs, do I love him any less? Not a smidgen. Do I think he's any less smart or clever? Not at all. Is his value as a person in any way undermined? Not in the least. So why do we worry so much about making sure our kids are normal. I've come to embrace the special, because that's what my little boy is. And he is SO special to me--words can't describe. I love him more and more each day as we discover each other and as I get to watch him discover the world. He is a really sweet and creative boy. One of the hardest things with all that's going on has been accepting that for now--maybe for long term even--I don't get to know what's going on in that little body of his. God knows. If He intended for me to know, I would know. I have to rest in that and be okay in that. God created my little Caleb and he knows and loves him oh so much more than I do. And He has great plans for Caleb. Plans He made with Caleb in mind. Plans that will not be thwarted by developmental delays or low platelets. Caleb is special, my special little boy. And I cherish him.