Hey everyone, thanks for the support and feedback from my last post. Two things to add in:
#1 I greatly value all of your advice and suggestions, especially stories of what worked or didn't work for you. It's the pushy advice that I don't like. All of the books are pushy, basically saying that if you don't do it their way you are an idiot. And some people I meet are pushy. And a certain family member on Josh's side is VERY pushy. It's the pushiness I don't like. I like advice.
#2 I have some time off the kindergarten I teach in the mornings so I am going to try to get C on a more predictable schedule. So far, day 3, it's already going well. He is already on a routine, but it's just tightening up the time frames to within an hour and getting him to bed earlier that will make a big difference. It requires a bit of discipline on my part, but let's face it. I have to grow up sometime. I will report back to you how it is going soon.
Thanks for the prayers. I feel them and I feel loved!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
parenting continued
Dear anyone who reads my blog,
It's an exciting moment for me--I actually got Caleb to sleep before 10 (more difficult than it sounds) and now I am writing on my blog and less than a month has passed since my last entry. Hopefully this is me turning over a new leaf--and Caleb too. In my last post I wrote about the gloriousness of motherhood and I am still on a mommy's high, but I also felt that I should talk about the other side of parenting--the tough stuff. I feel the difficult side of parenting is highlighted much more often than the pleasures, but they shouldn't be ignored either. You've heard the good, now the bad and the ugly:
Okay, so no big surprises here--parenting is hard. For me, one of the hardest things has been believing in myself. I call it "momfidence," or trusting my motherly instincts. Fortunately I have had some wise friends to encourage me in this area, but as a person who generally lacks confidence anyways, it has been hard to muster enough momfidence to stand up to everybody and their mother who has a strong opinion to offer me. You may have heard of the five love languages. I think they need to come out with a new edition: The Five Love Languages of Asia. Let's see--there's smothering, making sacrifices that nobody asked you to make, food, criticism, and of course: OFFERING UNWANTED ADVICE. The latter has been apparent to me since moving to Asia, but never more than when I was pregnant or (now) gave birth. Even non-Asians have a lot of advice to offer when you become a parent, and I am not innocent. I offer advice to my new mom friends too. However, it can be OVERWHELMING for a new mom. There's your husband's opinion, your doctor's opinion, your family members' opinions, your church members' opinions, friends' opinions, the opinions of the books you read, and--my favorite--any Joe Schmoe off the street's opinion. I have received advice from the guard in our building, people sitting next to me on the MRT, workers in the department store, a young guy exercising at the park, and I could go on. The problem is that I really want to be a good mom. So I read all the books. All the books with differing opinions. All the books that tell me I'm a terrible parent if I do this or don't do that. All the books that made me want to SCREAM!
But some wise friends told me that God chose me to be Caleb's mom. Some wise friends told me to enjoy the moments as they pass. Some wise friends told me to listen to that still small voice that's telling ME what's right for me and MY kid at the moment. And so, at times, I have been able to relax and trust and enjoy. But there are other loud voices telling me all the time that I'm doing it all wrong. I can be critical of myself so sometimes my own voice is the loudest. One of the hardest things about being a parent is drowning those voices out.
Next on the list: scheduling. Despite reading all those books I have not successfully gotten Caleb on a real schedule. I like to be flexible. Or so I say. I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of--the hard work I believe scheduling will be or the risk of failure. So we have general patterns of life, but no schedule. At times I feel proud of myself for this. My kid is flexible. I am able to go out with him at many different times of the day. I don't have a to lay out a strict regimen for babysitters. He is able to fall asleep outside, etc. At other times I worry if I'm ruining him for life, if he's really getting enough sleep, if not having a schedule will make him anxious or maladjusted in some other way...And then, to be totally honest, I have my own problems with it. When Caleb takes a nap I never know how long I will have. He tends to cat nap--30 minutes here and there, which one of the books told me is horrible and unacceptable. (However since he's a happy and healthy boy I decided to ignore that book.) So when he finally does fall asleep (he resists it) I jump on my long to-do list or just try to get in a meal and I sometimes have a rush of anxiety. Because I don't know how much time I have I find it difficult to prioritize what to do next. I've also found cooking nearly impossible because I am slow at cooking and I can't very well get halfway through cooking a meal and just leave it.
Which brings up another difficult issue--mother in law. She loves us and she loves Caleb. But she has a much stronger personality than me, and she overpowers me. I have given up having a career at this time in order to be a mom and homemaker. However, I am starting out at level zero as a homemaker and I find it completely overwhelming most of the time. So my mother in law pushing me out of the way and doing it herself is not helping me learn or develop good habits. It also prevents Josh from really needing to pitch in. I know she loves us. I am praying to love her as well. That's all I'll say about this for now.
Next problem: getting Caleb to sleep! Okay, I admit it. Caleb and I have developed some bad habits. I read the books that tell you you're a terrible parent if you ever rock your kids to sleep. It's worse than that. I NURSE him to sleep. I know, I know. According to the books I'm going to mommy-hell in a hand basket. However, a woman I respect as a mother and nurse told me to enjoy rocking and nursing my baby to sleep because the time period when they allow you to do that is so short. And I don't mind. So it seems ideal, right? Sometimes it is. He's tired. I nurse him. He sleeps. We put him in the crib. He stays asleep longer for being full.
Well, that's how it started anyways. Now we rarely have nights like that because as soon as he senses that I'm gone, he cries. I know, I know I'm doing everything wrong by making him dependent on me to sleep and not letting him learn how to figure out how to fall asleep by himself. Don't judge. I tried letting him "cry it out" a couple of times and it seemed like a worse alternative than giving up my evening "free time." (By free time I mean time to wash dishes, put away laundry, and spend time with my husband.) So now we're a little bit stuck. Trying to figure out what works for our family without making anyone crazy in the process. I have heard that bedtime routines work for some people but I have been hesitant to try them because of my fear of scheduling. Sometimes we get home late and I need to get him to sleep as soon as possible. I don't want to have to go through a routine. My fear may be irrational, I know. I'm working through it. Pray for me. Pray for us.
Okay, the final difficult thing to deal with is another cultural thing. In Chinese there is this concept for babies and children of "guai/ bu guai," which roughly translates to obedient or disobedient. If a baby cries too much or is too hard to console, they are deemed "bu guai." To Westerners, a baby is not 'disobedient.' A baby is a baby and we do what we can to help them not cry, and try not to worry about it too much if they do. This has been a bit of a difficult issue for me. Nobody likes to hear that their child is disobedient, but when it's a baby it is even more difficult to take. I know no harm is meant, but I have to admit it; I take it a bit personally. Working through this as well--prayers appreciated.
Okay, there you have it--my struggles as a new mom. Not included was my struggle with breastfeeding, which was very difficult for the first month or so. Now it is a dream and I'm so glad we persevered. And I think most of my church friends now know what I'm doing when they see the nursing cover on. (Most of them had never seen a woman nurse with a cover and would ask if they could see the baby underneath the cover--ummm, not right now...) Praise God for allowing me to feed my baby--what a blessing!
Love to all who read my blog!
-p
It's an exciting moment for me--I actually got Caleb to sleep before 10 (more difficult than it sounds) and now I am writing on my blog and less than a month has passed since my last entry. Hopefully this is me turning over a new leaf--and Caleb too. In my last post I wrote about the gloriousness of motherhood and I am still on a mommy's high, but I also felt that I should talk about the other side of parenting--the tough stuff. I feel the difficult side of parenting is highlighted much more often than the pleasures, but they shouldn't be ignored either. You've heard the good, now the bad and the ugly:
Okay, so no big surprises here--parenting is hard. For me, one of the hardest things has been believing in myself. I call it "momfidence," or trusting my motherly instincts. Fortunately I have had some wise friends to encourage me in this area, but as a person who generally lacks confidence anyways, it has been hard to muster enough momfidence to stand up to everybody and their mother who has a strong opinion to offer me. You may have heard of the five love languages. I think they need to come out with a new edition: The Five Love Languages of Asia. Let's see--there's smothering, making sacrifices that nobody asked you to make, food, criticism, and of course: OFFERING UNWANTED ADVICE. The latter has been apparent to me since moving to Asia, but never more than when I was pregnant or (now) gave birth. Even non-Asians have a lot of advice to offer when you become a parent, and I am not innocent. I offer advice to my new mom friends too. However, it can be OVERWHELMING for a new mom. There's your husband's opinion, your doctor's opinion, your family members' opinions, your church members' opinions, friends' opinions, the opinions of the books you read, and--my favorite--any Joe Schmoe off the street's opinion. I have received advice from the guard in our building, people sitting next to me on the MRT, workers in the department store, a young guy exercising at the park, and I could go on. The problem is that I really want to be a good mom. So I read all the books. All the books with differing opinions. All the books that tell me I'm a terrible parent if I do this or don't do that. All the books that made me want to SCREAM!
But some wise friends told me that God chose me to be Caleb's mom. Some wise friends told me to enjoy the moments as they pass. Some wise friends told me to listen to that still small voice that's telling ME what's right for me and MY kid at the moment. And so, at times, I have been able to relax and trust and enjoy. But there are other loud voices telling me all the time that I'm doing it all wrong. I can be critical of myself so sometimes my own voice is the loudest. One of the hardest things about being a parent is drowning those voices out.
Next on the list: scheduling. Despite reading all those books I have not successfully gotten Caleb on a real schedule. I like to be flexible. Or so I say. I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of--the hard work I believe scheduling will be or the risk of failure. So we have general patterns of life, but no schedule. At times I feel proud of myself for this. My kid is flexible. I am able to go out with him at many different times of the day. I don't have a to lay out a strict regimen for babysitters. He is able to fall asleep outside, etc. At other times I worry if I'm ruining him for life, if he's really getting enough sleep, if not having a schedule will make him anxious or maladjusted in some other way...And then, to be totally honest, I have my own problems with it. When Caleb takes a nap I never know how long I will have. He tends to cat nap--30 minutes here and there, which one of the books told me is horrible and unacceptable. (However since he's a happy and healthy boy I decided to ignore that book.) So when he finally does fall asleep (he resists it) I jump on my long to-do list or just try to get in a meal and I sometimes have a rush of anxiety. Because I don't know how much time I have I find it difficult to prioritize what to do next. I've also found cooking nearly impossible because I am slow at cooking and I can't very well get halfway through cooking a meal and just leave it.
Which brings up another difficult issue--mother in law. She loves us and she loves Caleb. But she has a much stronger personality than me, and she overpowers me. I have given up having a career at this time in order to be a mom and homemaker. However, I am starting out at level zero as a homemaker and I find it completely overwhelming most of the time. So my mother in law pushing me out of the way and doing it herself is not helping me learn or develop good habits. It also prevents Josh from really needing to pitch in. I know she loves us. I am praying to love her as well. That's all I'll say about this for now.
Next problem: getting Caleb to sleep! Okay, I admit it. Caleb and I have developed some bad habits. I read the books that tell you you're a terrible parent if you ever rock your kids to sleep. It's worse than that. I NURSE him to sleep. I know, I know. According to the books I'm going to mommy-hell in a hand basket. However, a woman I respect as a mother and nurse told me to enjoy rocking and nursing my baby to sleep because the time period when they allow you to do that is so short. And I don't mind. So it seems ideal, right? Sometimes it is. He's tired. I nurse him. He sleeps. We put him in the crib. He stays asleep longer for being full.
Well, that's how it started anyways. Now we rarely have nights like that because as soon as he senses that I'm gone, he cries. I know, I know I'm doing everything wrong by making him dependent on me to sleep and not letting him learn how to figure out how to fall asleep by himself. Don't judge. I tried letting him "cry it out" a couple of times and it seemed like a worse alternative than giving up my evening "free time." (By free time I mean time to wash dishes, put away laundry, and spend time with my husband.) So now we're a little bit stuck. Trying to figure out what works for our family without making anyone crazy in the process. I have heard that bedtime routines work for some people but I have been hesitant to try them because of my fear of scheduling. Sometimes we get home late and I need to get him to sleep as soon as possible. I don't want to have to go through a routine. My fear may be irrational, I know. I'm working through it. Pray for me. Pray for us.
Okay, the final difficult thing to deal with is another cultural thing. In Chinese there is this concept for babies and children of "guai/ bu guai," which roughly translates to obedient or disobedient. If a baby cries too much or is too hard to console, they are deemed "bu guai." To Westerners, a baby is not 'disobedient.' A baby is a baby and we do what we can to help them not cry, and try not to worry about it too much if they do. This has been a bit of a difficult issue for me. Nobody likes to hear that their child is disobedient, but when it's a baby it is even more difficult to take. I know no harm is meant, but I have to admit it; I take it a bit personally. Working through this as well--prayers appreciated.
Okay, there you have it--my struggles as a new mom. Not included was my struggle with breastfeeding, which was very difficult for the first month or so. Now it is a dream and I'm so glad we persevered. And I think most of my church friends now know what I'm doing when they see the nursing cover on. (Most of them had never seen a woman nurse with a cover and would ask if they could see the baby underneath the cover--ummm, not right now...) Praise God for allowing me to feed my baby--what a blessing!
Love to all who read my blog!
-p
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