My thoughts and words about myself as a homemaker used to be hopelessly negative. In my mind or out loud I was constantly berating myself, talking about how incompetent I was and what a complete failure I was in the area of homemaking. As a child I guess I gave my mom such a hard time about doing chores that she never really taught me her methods of cooking for/cleaning up after a family. Because I was a good student and found my sense of accomplishment in the academic world, I never worried about it. But then I got married, had kid(s), and stopped being a student. All the sudden my lack of good daily cleaning/cooking habits and lack of general kitchen/household knowledge seemed overwhelming and too daunting to ever overcome. I felt worthless in the home. So for my first year of marriage I stayed out of the home. And my second year of marriage I went back to school. But then I had my sweet son Caleb and I wanted to change everything. I want to be the kind of mom my own mother was--always providing meals, entertainment and a nice home environment for us without ever seeming frazzled, rushed or tired. In fact, I hardly ever noticed her doing household chores growing up, she did it so naturally and casually without ever complaining or even asking for help. I will probably never be quite like her, but I knew I had to make some changes. Yet I didn't know where to begin. I am such a lazy slob deep down...
So who would be my teacher in this new school of homemaking? I sometimes ask my mom questions but she lives a bit far away. My mother-in-law always leaves the house spic and span but our relationship is a bit strained. I see women around me managing their households well but nobody seems willing to really tell me the nitty gritty of how they do it--cleaning schedules, techniques, menu plans, etc. I don't think anyone realizes that I'm really starting out at level zero here; I really know nothing. Only recently I couldn't boil eggs. I still don't know how to properly clean a toilet or shower. I know it's pathetic. But I have a good, patient and gentle teacher now: God himself! Okay, he often uses other sources to teach me, but little by little useful information is sinking in and then slowly, slowly step by step I am implementing it. I know without God's power to change I wouldn't be able to take those baby steps. And when I do, I feel so good. But most importantly, God has been changing the way I think, talk, view myself as a woman.
Like He so often does, He's turning the negative into a positive. Even if it's true that I'm the worst homemaker in the world, dwelling on it sure doesn't help anything. Instead, I've been focusing on what one thing can I do to bless my family (and really myself) today or right now. It's baby steps, but when I look to Him, God is faithful to show me the next step, and He has been using a slew of blogs written mostly by other Christian homemakers to instill knowledge into my thick skull. It's also two steps forward and one step back, but even though I have slip-ups and sometimes give in to laziness, I never want to go back to the way I used to be. Two weeks ago I tried my first menu plan. I didn't stick to it completely, partly because my mother in law brought enough food for an army mid-week, but for the most part I enjoyed it and it took anxiety out of my days. I struggle with guilt over asking Josh to watch Caleb and let me cook, but I'm trying to realize that it is a blessing for my whole family if I can cook, and he might have spent the time going out to buy dinner anyways. There's much to say and I don't know if I'm expressing myself very well, but I'm learning so much and feel so encouraged. I have a LONG way to go, but I'm not worrying about that. Once I make it a habit to do the minimum things I am doing now, I can build on that foundation. I no longer say that I am terrible, useless, awful--I say "I am learning, I am improving, I will make one change to improve this week." This week was my birthday week and I let things slide in order to celebrate. It was good for a day or two, but then I started to go crazy because I am depending on myself to follow through with these new habits. When I don't, I let myself down. I never knew how good I could feel about myself for doing simple chores and following through on things I tell myself I will do. I used to say I would do it but then I never would.
Part of this newfound success comes from Caleb learning to fall asleep without me nursing him to sleep. It sounds small, but it's revolutionized my life. There was a big hangup in this area because of a disagreement between Josh and I, but an older couple gave us some good advice and Josh gave me the green light to try to do things differently. God showed me step by step what to do to suit both Caleb's and my personality and he learned faster and more easily than I imagined possible to fall asleep in his crib. It wasn't even very painful. And once he learned that, he somehow started going to bed earlier and earlier without my prompting. The drawback is that this means earlier mornings for me, but the total worth-it payback is that at night I have energy to do household chores or some cooking/meal prep. This has made such a difference in my life that I can't even describe it. Anyways, all this to say that I am no longer a student in the academic sense of the word, but I love my new enrollment in God's Gentle School of Homemaking and I long to be a blessing to my household.
Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." I want to be the wise woman. Some days the foolish woman comes back out, but I am not focusing on that. I am focusing on the fact that I am improving and that SOME OF THE TIME I am building up my house with wisdom. God, please give me the grace and continued guidance to learn to be wise and work with strong arms (Prov 31:17) to build this house, which is really YOUR house. Amen!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
God is Good
God is Good.
I've been thinking about the meaning of this phrase lately.
Usually people don't use it to mean what it really means. Or maybe that's just my opinion.
A lot of times it seems to me that people say it to mean: God just did something great for me.
Think about it. If someone says "God is good," we want to know what good thing is going on in
their lives. Not that this is a bad thing. We should be grateful to God for all the
good things He does in our lives. We should give Him the praise. But I think the phrase "God is good"
has a more complete meaning.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is good apart from our circumstances. The fact that God is
good is a deep unchangeable Truth. Whether things are going well or not, God is good. Sometimes
when we look at the world it takes faith to say God is good, but it is still true no matter what.
When I look at the situation in Congo with the mass mistreatment and mutilation of women, my heart breaks and I
wonder what the solution could be.
Still, God is good.
When I think about the suicide bomber who killed women and children in the maternity ward of a
hospital in Afghanistan I wonder how people can be so awful.
Still, God is good.
The sex trade seems to be increasing in both magnitude and perversity. It makes me sick.
Still, God is good.
Nothing will ever change this.
And in heaven, we will be able to experience his goodness without all the sadness and chaos that
are part of life on earth. I very much look forward to that.
So the response to "God is good" is as it should be: "All the time." But I didn't use to believe that, even when I
said it. Don't say it mindlessly. Really soak in the truth. God is good. All the time. Even when I can't
see it. Even when circumstances make me want to question it. Even when I am struggling.
God is good.
Do you believe it?
I've been thinking about the meaning of this phrase lately.
Usually people don't use it to mean what it really means. Or maybe that's just my opinion.
A lot of times it seems to me that people say it to mean: God just did something great for me.
Think about it. If someone says "God is good," we want to know what good thing is going on in
their lives. Not that this is a bad thing. We should be grateful to God for all the
good things He does in our lives. We should give Him the praise. But I think the phrase "God is good"
has a more complete meaning.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is good apart from our circumstances. The fact that God is
good is a deep unchangeable Truth. Whether things are going well or not, God is good. Sometimes
when we look at the world it takes faith to say God is good, but it is still true no matter what.
When I look at the situation in Congo with the mass mistreatment and mutilation of women, my heart breaks and I
wonder what the solution could be.
Still, God is good.
When I think about the suicide bomber who killed women and children in the maternity ward of a
hospital in Afghanistan I wonder how people can be so awful.
Still, God is good.
The sex trade seems to be increasing in both magnitude and perversity. It makes me sick.
Still, God is good.
Nothing will ever change this.
And in heaven, we will be able to experience his goodness without all the sadness and chaos that
are part of life on earth. I very much look forward to that.
So the response to "God is good" is as it should be: "All the time." But I didn't use to believe that, even when I
said it. Don't say it mindlessly. Really soak in the truth. God is good. All the time. Even when I can't
see it. Even when circumstances make me want to question it. Even when I am struggling.
God is good.
Do you believe it?
Monday, June 6, 2011
life lately
I begin most posts this way, but sorry I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing:
Anyways, apart from having my hands full with my little bundle of joy, another reason for not writing was I have to sheepishly face up to the fact that I did not in fact take my own 40 day gospel challenge. But I've been working on having an open heart to listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance to talk to people I meet and say something that will glorify God. A step in the right direction. Not a leap but a step, nevertheless.
So, life lately has been good. I post photos of our little guy on Facebook mostly and am using this blog for words. That means having two hands to type. Caleb is taking a rare nap at the moment, but if I cut off abruptly I guess that means he woke up. We're having a lot of fun with him these days. He's pulling up on furniture or anything else he can find--stable or not, and starting to take a few steps while hanging on to things. Usually that ends in some sort of faceplant if mama isn't right there to catch him. He can crawl pretty well now but he doesn't crawl long because he usually finds something of interest and stops to investigate it or try to climb onto it. He seems really smart to us, but of course we are his parents. This week his new trick is that he's started clapping spontaneously. Not really making much sound yet, but he's got the motion almost right. He also spontaneously initiated a couple of games of peek-a-boo with me by pulling the blanket over his head and then peeking out suddenly. He's pretty stingy with his laugh but when he does laugh, it's the sweetest sound. And his Ama taught him how to throw--not sure how I feel about that one yet!
Josh and I have been working on our marriage. For those of you with young kids I guess you can understand when I say we hit some speedbumps recently. But God has been helping us--sometimes not as dramatically or quickly as I would want, but in His own way and His own timing. Thank you for all of your prayers. Last night our friends Mike and Kathy sponsored us to go on a sweet date at The Bayou! I just finished the leftovers for lunch--delish. Thanks, guys. Good meal and sweet conversation. Well, wish I could stay and chat but 10,000 other things are calling for my attention. Hope to check back in sooner or later.
Anyways, apart from having my hands full with my little bundle of joy, another reason for not writing was I have to sheepishly face up to the fact that I did not in fact take my own 40 day gospel challenge. But I've been working on having an open heart to listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance to talk to people I meet and say something that will glorify God. A step in the right direction. Not a leap but a step, nevertheless.
So, life lately has been good. I post photos of our little guy on Facebook mostly and am using this blog for words. That means having two hands to type. Caleb is taking a rare nap at the moment, but if I cut off abruptly I guess that means he woke up. We're having a lot of fun with him these days. He's pulling up on furniture or anything else he can find--stable or not, and starting to take a few steps while hanging on to things. Usually that ends in some sort of faceplant if mama isn't right there to catch him. He can crawl pretty well now but he doesn't crawl long because he usually finds something of interest and stops to investigate it or try to climb onto it. He seems really smart to us, but of course we are his parents. This week his new trick is that he's started clapping spontaneously. Not really making much sound yet, but he's got the motion almost right. He also spontaneously initiated a couple of games of peek-a-boo with me by pulling the blanket over his head and then peeking out suddenly. He's pretty stingy with his laugh but when he does laugh, it's the sweetest sound. And his Ama taught him how to throw--not sure how I feel about that one yet!
Josh and I have been working on our marriage. For those of you with young kids I guess you can understand when I say we hit some speedbumps recently. But God has been helping us--sometimes not as dramatically or quickly as I would want, but in His own way and His own timing. Thank you for all of your prayers. Last night our friends Mike and Kathy sponsored us to go on a sweet date at The Bayou! I just finished the leftovers for lunch--delish. Thanks, guys. Good meal and sweet conversation. Well, wish I could stay and chat but 10,000 other things are calling for my attention. Hope to check back in sooner or later.
Monday, April 11, 2011
the gospel
As some of you know, I have given up facebook in preparation for Easter. It's not because I'm super holy or anything like that, I just wanted to spend more time with God, reflecting on the cross. Easter becomes so much more meaningful when we prepare our hearts for it! Anyways, I have had limited success with using my time more wisely, but being off facebook has been freeing in a few unexpected ways. First of all, I realized that I was running to facebook for affirmation instead of turning to God. Ultimately the praises of others are not satisfying, but finding our worth in Christ is. Also, although I miss being in touch with people, I had become so addicted to facebook that I wanted to know what was going on with everybody all the time. It created this artificial sense of friendship which has filled a void created by being home a lot with Caleb. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being at home with Caleb, but I am not an island--I am part of the body of Christ and I need to be with others as well. When that part of me feels fulfilled by facebook I don't do as good of a job reaching out to others around me. I don't think facebook is evil. I think it serves a purpose, especially since I am far from many loved ones, but I had given it too much importance in my life and that needed to be dealt with.
That said, I have been thinking and God has been working in me. He has been healing some unhealthy stuff in me and bringing up other stuff we still need to work on. (His work is never finished!) The other day I was with Caleb at the park and it was afternoon so many grandparents were out with their grandchildren. In Taiwanese society grandparents often raise the kids while parents work. My mother-in-law would like to have it that way too, but there's no way I'm giving up the chance to raise my amazing son. Well I was sitting there and a though popped into my head as thoughts sometimes do. I though, "Why don't I share the gospel more?" I remember talking with my family about all the things I love about Taiwan. One was that people are often open to hearing about Jesus. It is hard for them to make the decision to become a Christian, but they are usually open to discussing Jesus or even coming to a Bible study. However, I have become so super-focused on being a mom that I have let this part of my life go. I think to a point, that super-focus is given to moms by God. It helps us deal with the huge life change of becoming a mom and to take our responsibility seriously. It helps to ensure the survival of our little ones. On the other hand, in all things we need balance, right?
I often get overwhelmed with the idea of sharing the gospel. I think, if I open myself up to the Holy Spirit's leading, I will be sharing the gospel all day every day and never get a break. Also it scares me because I am timid by nature. So I ignore this part of my calling. I wasn't always this way. When I first came to Taiwan I saw sharing the gospel as a large part of my purpose for being here so I did it enthusiastically. However, the longer I have stayed and the more I understand the culture, the more monumental the obstacles seem. I know that it is extremely difficult for a person to go against their family's wishes and become a Christian. I know that Satan has used cults to create much confusion about Christianity. I know that it is easy for a person to want to add Jesus into their religious conglomerate of beliefs without understanding that He must be our one and only. So at some point I stopped sharing. I stopped wanting to share. I lost my passion.
Along with the thought, "Why don't I share the gospel more," another thought popped into my brain. "What if I did an experiment where I shared the gospel every day for 40 days and I just see what happens." I have kept thinking of this challenge sine that day. I have a few problems with it. First, it seems like it is making light of a very serious matter. Second, it seems like it is taking into my own hands a work that should be led by the Holy Spirit. Those thoughts seem rational. Until I think further. Jesus gave us the great commission. It is part of our work as Christians to share the gospel. If I shared the gospel once a day it would be pretty much a 100% increase from what I'm doing now. What's the worst that could happen? 40 rejections? So what? Also, just because I do this 40 day experiment, it doesn't mean I am limited. I have in mind to use the 40 days after Easter, in accordance with how many days the resurrected Lord walked the earth. But that doesn't mean I can't start practicing now. And it doesn't mean I can only share once a day. And it doesn't mean I stop after 40 days. You know what I mean? I mean the way of doing it doesn't sound very spiritual, but it is a good thing to do and in theory I would hope it would help me to rebuild the habit of sharing the gospel into my life. I have heard it said that when Jesus said "Go into all the world," it could be translated "as you go." We are to share the gospel as we go about our daily lives. Right now I am not doing that. Besides, many people are drawn to talking to me because of my adorable baby. How threatening can I be with Caleb strapped to me?
So I think I'm going to do it. I'll keep you posted, but I can't think of a real reason not to. And now, telling you about it will help solidify my commitment. I want to get a few tools ready (evangecube, wordless book, etc.). Tell me if you have any other great ones. If I indeed follow through I will try to be faithful to posting results here, but I am really bad at blogging so no promises. But if anything exciting happens I'll be sure to let you know. Please join me in prayer if you think of it!
-paula
That said, I have been thinking and God has been working in me. He has been healing some unhealthy stuff in me and bringing up other stuff we still need to work on. (His work is never finished!) The other day I was with Caleb at the park and it was afternoon so many grandparents were out with their grandchildren. In Taiwanese society grandparents often raise the kids while parents work. My mother-in-law would like to have it that way too, but there's no way I'm giving up the chance to raise my amazing son. Well I was sitting there and a though popped into my head as thoughts sometimes do. I though, "Why don't I share the gospel more?" I remember talking with my family about all the things I love about Taiwan. One was that people are often open to hearing about Jesus. It is hard for them to make the decision to become a Christian, but they are usually open to discussing Jesus or even coming to a Bible study. However, I have become so super-focused on being a mom that I have let this part of my life go. I think to a point, that super-focus is given to moms by God. It helps us deal with the huge life change of becoming a mom and to take our responsibility seriously. It helps to ensure the survival of our little ones. On the other hand, in all things we need balance, right?
I often get overwhelmed with the idea of sharing the gospel. I think, if I open myself up to the Holy Spirit's leading, I will be sharing the gospel all day every day and never get a break. Also it scares me because I am timid by nature. So I ignore this part of my calling. I wasn't always this way. When I first came to Taiwan I saw sharing the gospel as a large part of my purpose for being here so I did it enthusiastically. However, the longer I have stayed and the more I understand the culture, the more monumental the obstacles seem. I know that it is extremely difficult for a person to go against their family's wishes and become a Christian. I know that Satan has used cults to create much confusion about Christianity. I know that it is easy for a person to want to add Jesus into their religious conglomerate of beliefs without understanding that He must be our one and only. So at some point I stopped sharing. I stopped wanting to share. I lost my passion.
Along with the thought, "Why don't I share the gospel more," another thought popped into my brain. "What if I did an experiment where I shared the gospel every day for 40 days and I just see what happens." I have kept thinking of this challenge sine that day. I have a few problems with it. First, it seems like it is making light of a very serious matter. Second, it seems like it is taking into my own hands a work that should be led by the Holy Spirit. Those thoughts seem rational. Until I think further. Jesus gave us the great commission. It is part of our work as Christians to share the gospel. If I shared the gospel once a day it would be pretty much a 100% increase from what I'm doing now. What's the worst that could happen? 40 rejections? So what? Also, just because I do this 40 day experiment, it doesn't mean I am limited. I have in mind to use the 40 days after Easter, in accordance with how many days the resurrected Lord walked the earth. But that doesn't mean I can't start practicing now. And it doesn't mean I can only share once a day. And it doesn't mean I stop after 40 days. You know what I mean? I mean the way of doing it doesn't sound very spiritual, but it is a good thing to do and in theory I would hope it would help me to rebuild the habit of sharing the gospel into my life. I have heard it said that when Jesus said "Go into all the world," it could be translated "as you go." We are to share the gospel as we go about our daily lives. Right now I am not doing that. Besides, many people are drawn to talking to me because of my adorable baby. How threatening can I be with Caleb strapped to me?
So I think I'm going to do it. I'll keep you posted, but I can't think of a real reason not to. And now, telling you about it will help solidify my commitment. I want to get a few tools ready (evangecube, wordless book, etc.). Tell me if you have any other great ones. If I indeed follow through I will try to be faithful to posting results here, but I am really bad at blogging so no promises. But if anything exciting happens I'll be sure to let you know. Please join me in prayer if you think of it!
-paula
Friday, April 8, 2011
failure
So it turns out I am a total failure at this blog thing. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I am going to--as some wise person put on their facebook status--lower my standards and be awesome! If you can't handle this kind of awesomeness then get out of my blog! Haha.
But really, I've been thinking about failure lately. When Caleb was born and I was trying to learn how to feed him (and help him unlearn what the hospital nurses had taught him) I was spending many frustrating hours either nursing or pumping and with little success. Around that time, my mom gave me an ipod. This quickly made my nursing times much more entertaining and relaxing. I watched funny videos on youtube to cheer myself up. And somehow or other I got addicted to failblog. At that time on their site they posted the motto: making you feel better about yourself every day--or something like that. Since then they have removed that motto, but I still look at failblog (the clean stuff) every once in a while for that very reason. There's something about watching idiots try something stupid and land on their faces that makes me feel better about myself. Sad, I know, but what can I say. By God's grace, and through the support of others I have been able to nurse Caleb successfully for 8 months now and it has been a wonderful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. But now that he is moving into the "solids" territory I am feeling like a failure again because nursing became so convenient and I can't seem to get in the habit of making and taking baby food every day. Pray for me!
Anyways, I have a tendency to label myself a failure at the first sign of trouble. I don't know where it comes from. Josh always tells me I'm a winner for even having been born--he's a bit more optimistic than I am! But God is showing me something new.
Here's the truth: sometimes I fail. Sometimes I am a 'failure.' But that's not the point. When I am focused on myself and beating myself up it means I am not focused on God and His great, unconditional love for me. That means I am missing the point of my life. Sometimes I know I talk about how sucky I am because I crave hearing people say that I am not sucky. I get into this problem with my husband a lot because he will not play along. Here's the good news: it's okay for me to be sucky. I don't need people to tell me that I am not sucky or not a failure. In fact, I probably am a big sucky failure. But God loves me. So if you hear me talking about how terrible I am at this or that, please don't give in and correct me. Just tell me that Jesus loves me and let it be.
I have decided to make this my "life verse."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
歌 林 多 後 書 12:9-10
9 他 對 我 說 ： 我 的 恩 典 夠 你 用 的 ， 因 為 我 的 能 力 是 在 人 的 軟 弱 上 顯 得 完 全 。 所 以 ， 我 更 喜 歡 誇 自 己 的 軟 弱 ， 好 叫 基 督 的 能 力 覆 庇 我 。
10 我 為 基 督 的 緣 故 ， 就 以 軟 弱 、 凌 辱 、 急 難 、 逼 迫 、 困 苦 為 可 喜 樂 的 ； 因 我 甚 麼 時 候 軟 弱 ， 甚 麼 時 候 就 剛 強 了 。
But really, I've been thinking about failure lately. When Caleb was born and I was trying to learn how to feed him (and help him unlearn what the hospital nurses had taught him) I was spending many frustrating hours either nursing or pumping and with little success. Around that time, my mom gave me an ipod. This quickly made my nursing times much more entertaining and relaxing. I watched funny videos on youtube to cheer myself up. And somehow or other I got addicted to failblog. At that time on their site they posted the motto: making you feel better about yourself every day--or something like that. Since then they have removed that motto, but I still look at failblog (the clean stuff) every once in a while for that very reason. There's something about watching idiots try something stupid and land on their faces that makes me feel better about myself. Sad, I know, but what can I say. By God's grace, and through the support of others I have been able to nurse Caleb successfully for 8 months now and it has been a wonderful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. But now that he is moving into the "solids" territory I am feeling like a failure again because nursing became so convenient and I can't seem to get in the habit of making and taking baby food every day. Pray for me!
Anyways, I have a tendency to label myself a failure at the first sign of trouble. I don't know where it comes from. Josh always tells me I'm a winner for even having been born--he's a bit more optimistic than I am! But God is showing me something new.
Here's the truth: sometimes I fail. Sometimes I am a 'failure.' But that's not the point. When I am focused on myself and beating myself up it means I am not focused on God and His great, unconditional love for me. That means I am missing the point of my life. Sometimes I know I talk about how sucky I am because I crave hearing people say that I am not sucky. I get into this problem with my husband a lot because he will not play along. Here's the good news: it's okay for me to be sucky. I don't need people to tell me that I am not sucky or not a failure. In fact, I probably am a big sucky failure. But God loves me. So if you hear me talking about how terrible I am at this or that, please don't give in and correct me. Just tell me that Jesus loves me and let it be.
I have decided to make this my "life verse."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
歌 林 多 後 書 12:9-10
9 他 對 我 說 ： 我 的 恩 典 夠 你 用 的 ， 因 為 我 的 能 力 是 在 人 的 軟 弱 上 顯 得 完 全 。 所 以 ， 我 更 喜 歡 誇 自 己 的 軟 弱 ， 好 叫 基 督 的 能 力 覆 庇 我 。
10 我 為 基 督 的 緣 故 ， 就 以 軟 弱 、 凌 辱 、 急 難 、 逼 迫 、 困 苦 為 可 喜 樂 的 ； 因 我 甚 麼 時 候 軟 弱 ， 甚 麼 時 候 就 剛 強 了 。
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
addendum to last post
Hey everyone, thanks for the support and feedback from my last post. Two things to add in:
#1 I greatly value all of your advice and suggestions, especially stories of what worked or didn't work for you. It's the pushy advice that I don't like. All of the books are pushy, basically saying that if you don't do it their way you are an idiot. And some people I meet are pushy. And a certain family member on Josh's side is VERY pushy. It's the pushiness I don't like. I like advice.
#2 I have some time off the kindergarten I teach in the mornings so I am going to try to get C on a more predictable schedule. So far, day 3, it's already going well. He is already on a routine, but it's just tightening up the time frames to within an hour and getting him to bed earlier that will make a big difference. It requires a bit of discipline on my part, but let's face it. I have to grow up sometime. I will report back to you how it is going soon.
Thanks for the prayers. I feel them and I feel loved!
#1 I greatly value all of your advice and suggestions, especially stories of what worked or didn't work for you. It's the pushy advice that I don't like. All of the books are pushy, basically saying that if you don't do it their way you are an idiot. And some people I meet are pushy. And a certain family member on Josh's side is VERY pushy. It's the pushiness I don't like. I like advice.
#2 I have some time off the kindergarten I teach in the mornings so I am going to try to get C on a more predictable schedule. So far, day 3, it's already going well. He is already on a routine, but it's just tightening up the time frames to within an hour and getting him to bed earlier that will make a big difference. It requires a bit of discipline on my part, but let's face it. I have to grow up sometime. I will report back to you how it is going soon.
Thanks for the prayers. I feel them and I feel loved!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
parenting continued
Dear anyone who reads my blog,
It's an exciting moment for me--I actually got Caleb to sleep before 10 (more difficult than it sounds) and now I am writing on my blog and less than a month has passed since my last entry. Hopefully this is me turning over a new leaf--and Caleb too. In my last post I wrote about the gloriousness of motherhood and I am still on a mommy's high, but I also felt that I should talk about the other side of parenting--the tough stuff. I feel the difficult side of parenting is highlighted much more often than the pleasures, but they shouldn't be ignored either. You've heard the good, now the bad and the ugly:
Okay, so no big surprises here--parenting is hard. For me, one of the hardest things has been believing in myself. I call it "momfidence," or trusting my motherly instincts. Fortunately I have had some wise friends to encourage me in this area, but as a person who generally lacks confidence anyways, it has been hard to muster enough momfidence to stand up to everybody and their mother who has a strong opinion to offer me. You may have heard of the five love languages. I think they need to come out with a new edition: The Five Love Languages of Asia. Let's see--there's smothering, making sacrifices that nobody asked you to make, food, criticism, and of course: OFFERING UNWANTED ADVICE. The latter has been apparent to me since moving to Asia, but never more than when I was pregnant or (now) gave birth. Even non-Asians have a lot of advice to offer when you become a parent, and I am not innocent. I offer advice to my new mom friends too. However, it can be OVERWHELMING for a new mom. There's your husband's opinion, your doctor's opinion, your family members' opinions, your church members' opinions, friends' opinions, the opinions of the books you read, and--my favorite--any Joe Schmoe off the street's opinion. I have received advice from the guard in our building, people sitting next to me on the MRT, workers in the department store, a young guy exercising at the park, and I could go on. The problem is that I really want to be a good mom. So I read all the books. All the books with differing opinions. All the books that tell me I'm a terrible parent if I do this or don't do that. All the books that made me want to SCREAM!
But some wise friends told me that God chose me to be Caleb's mom. Some wise friends told me to enjoy the moments as they pass. Some wise friends told me to listen to that still small voice that's telling ME what's right for me and MY kid at the moment. And so, at times, I have been able to relax and trust and enjoy. But there are other loud voices telling me all the time that I'm doing it all wrong. I can be critical of myself so sometimes my own voice is the loudest. One of the hardest things about being a parent is drowning those voices out.
Next on the list: scheduling. Despite reading all those books I have not successfully gotten Caleb on a real schedule. I like to be flexible. Or so I say. I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of--the hard work I believe scheduling will be or the risk of failure. So we have general patterns of life, but no schedule. At times I feel proud of myself for this. My kid is flexible. I am able to go out with him at many different times of the day. I don't have a to lay out a strict regimen for babysitters. He is able to fall asleep outside, etc. At other times I worry if I'm ruining him for life, if he's really getting enough sleep, if not having a schedule will make him anxious or maladjusted in some other way...And then, to be totally honest, I have my own problems with it. When Caleb takes a nap I never know how long I will have. He tends to cat nap--30 minutes here and there, which one of the books told me is horrible and unacceptable. (However since he's a happy and healthy boy I decided to ignore that book.) So when he finally does fall asleep (he resists it) I jump on my long to-do list or just try to get in a meal and I sometimes have a rush of anxiety. Because I don't know how much time I have I find it difficult to prioritize what to do next. I've also found cooking nearly impossible because I am slow at cooking and I can't very well get halfway through cooking a meal and just leave it.
Which brings up another difficult issue--mother in law. She loves us and she loves Caleb. But she has a much stronger personality than me, and she overpowers me. I have given up having a career at this time in order to be a mom and homemaker. However, I am starting out at level zero as a homemaker and I find it completely overwhelming most of the time. So my mother in law pushing me out of the way and doing it herself is not helping me learn or develop good habits. It also prevents Josh from really needing to pitch in. I know she loves us. I am praying to love her as well. That's all I'll say about this for now.
Next problem: getting Caleb to sleep! Okay, I admit it. Caleb and I have developed some bad habits. I read the books that tell you you're a terrible parent if you ever rock your kids to sleep. It's worse than that. I NURSE him to sleep. I know, I know. According to the books I'm going to mommy-hell in a hand basket. However, a woman I respect as a mother and nurse told me to enjoy rocking and nursing my baby to sleep because the time period when they allow you to do that is so short. And I don't mind. So it seems ideal, right? Sometimes it is. He's tired. I nurse him. He sleeps. We put him in the crib. He stays asleep longer for being full.
Well, that's how it started anyways. Now we rarely have nights like that because as soon as he senses that I'm gone, he cries. I know, I know I'm doing everything wrong by making him dependent on me to sleep and not letting him learn how to figure out how to fall asleep by himself. Don't judge. I tried letting him "cry it out" a couple of times and it seemed like a worse alternative than giving up my evening "free time." (By free time I mean time to wash dishes, put away laundry, and spend time with my husband.) So now we're a little bit stuck. Trying to figure out what works for our family without making anyone crazy in the process. I have heard that bedtime routines work for some people but I have been hesitant to try them because of my fear of scheduling. Sometimes we get home late and I need to get him to sleep as soon as possible. I don't want to have to go through a routine. My fear may be irrational, I know. I'm working through it. Pray for me. Pray for us.
Okay, the final difficult thing to deal with is another cultural thing. In Chinese there is this concept for babies and children of "guai/ bu guai," which roughly translates to obedient or disobedient. If a baby cries too much or is too hard to console, they are deemed "bu guai." To Westerners, a baby is not 'disobedient.' A baby is a baby and we do what we can to help them not cry, and try not to worry about it too much if they do. This has been a bit of a difficult issue for me. Nobody likes to hear that their child is disobedient, but when it's a baby it is even more difficult to take. I know no harm is meant, but I have to admit it; I take it a bit personally. Working through this as well--prayers appreciated.
Okay, there you have it--my struggles as a new mom. Not included was my struggle with breastfeeding, which was very difficult for the first month or so. Now it is a dream and I'm so glad we persevered. And I think most of my church friends now know what I'm doing when they see the nursing cover on. (Most of them had never seen a woman nurse with a cover and would ask if they could see the baby underneath the cover--ummm, not right now...) Praise God for allowing me to feed my baby--what a blessing!
Love to all who read my blog!
-p
It's an exciting moment for me--I actually got Caleb to sleep before 10 (more difficult than it sounds) and now I am writing on my blog and less than a month has passed since my last entry. Hopefully this is me turning over a new leaf--and Caleb too. In my last post I wrote about the gloriousness of motherhood and I am still on a mommy's high, but I also felt that I should talk about the other side of parenting--the tough stuff. I feel the difficult side of parenting is highlighted much more often than the pleasures, but they shouldn't be ignored either. You've heard the good, now the bad and the ugly:
Okay, so no big surprises here--parenting is hard. For me, one of the hardest things has been believing in myself. I call it "momfidence," or trusting my motherly instincts. Fortunately I have had some wise friends to encourage me in this area, but as a person who generally lacks confidence anyways, it has been hard to muster enough momfidence to stand up to everybody and their mother who has a strong opinion to offer me. You may have heard of the five love languages. I think they need to come out with a new edition: The Five Love Languages of Asia. Let's see--there's smothering, making sacrifices that nobody asked you to make, food, criticism, and of course: OFFERING UNWANTED ADVICE. The latter has been apparent to me since moving to Asia, but never more than when I was pregnant or (now) gave birth. Even non-Asians have a lot of advice to offer when you become a parent, and I am not innocent. I offer advice to my new mom friends too. However, it can be OVERWHELMING for a new mom. There's your husband's opinion, your doctor's opinion, your family members' opinions, your church members' opinions, friends' opinions, the opinions of the books you read, and--my favorite--any Joe Schmoe off the street's opinion. I have received advice from the guard in our building, people sitting next to me on the MRT, workers in the department store, a young guy exercising at the park, and I could go on. The problem is that I really want to be a good mom. So I read all the books. All the books with differing opinions. All the books that tell me I'm a terrible parent if I do this or don't do that. All the books that made me want to SCREAM!
But some wise friends told me that God chose me to be Caleb's mom. Some wise friends told me to enjoy the moments as they pass. Some wise friends told me to listen to that still small voice that's telling ME what's right for me and MY kid at the moment. And so, at times, I have been able to relax and trust and enjoy. But there are other loud voices telling me all the time that I'm doing it all wrong. I can be critical of myself so sometimes my own voice is the loudest. One of the hardest things about being a parent is drowning those voices out.
Next on the list: scheduling. Despite reading all those books I have not successfully gotten Caleb on a real schedule. I like to be flexible. Or so I say. I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of--the hard work I believe scheduling will be or the risk of failure. So we have general patterns of life, but no schedule. At times I feel proud of myself for this. My kid is flexible. I am able to go out with him at many different times of the day. I don't have a to lay out a strict regimen for babysitters. He is able to fall asleep outside, etc. At other times I worry if I'm ruining him for life, if he's really getting enough sleep, if not having a schedule will make him anxious or maladjusted in some other way...And then, to be totally honest, I have my own problems with it. When Caleb takes a nap I never know how long I will have. He tends to cat nap--30 minutes here and there, which one of the books told me is horrible and unacceptable. (However since he's a happy and healthy boy I decided to ignore that book.) So when he finally does fall asleep (he resists it) I jump on my long to-do list or just try to get in a meal and I sometimes have a rush of anxiety. Because I don't know how much time I have I find it difficult to prioritize what to do next. I've also found cooking nearly impossible because I am slow at cooking and I can't very well get halfway through cooking a meal and just leave it.
Which brings up another difficult issue--mother in law. She loves us and she loves Caleb. But she has a much stronger personality than me, and she overpowers me. I have given up having a career at this time in order to be a mom and homemaker. However, I am starting out at level zero as a homemaker and I find it completely overwhelming most of the time. So my mother in law pushing me out of the way and doing it herself is not helping me learn or develop good habits. It also prevents Josh from really needing to pitch in. I know she loves us. I am praying to love her as well. That's all I'll say about this for now.
Next problem: getting Caleb to sleep! Okay, I admit it. Caleb and I have developed some bad habits. I read the books that tell you you're a terrible parent if you ever rock your kids to sleep. It's worse than that. I NURSE him to sleep. I know, I know. According to the books I'm going to mommy-hell in a hand basket. However, a woman I respect as a mother and nurse told me to enjoy rocking and nursing my baby to sleep because the time period when they allow you to do that is so short. And I don't mind. So it seems ideal, right? Sometimes it is. He's tired. I nurse him. He sleeps. We put him in the crib. He stays asleep longer for being full.
Well, that's how it started anyways. Now we rarely have nights like that because as soon as he senses that I'm gone, he cries. I know, I know I'm doing everything wrong by making him dependent on me to sleep and not letting him learn how to figure out how to fall asleep by himself. Don't judge. I tried letting him "cry it out" a couple of times and it seemed like a worse alternative than giving up my evening "free time." (By free time I mean time to wash dishes, put away laundry, and spend time with my husband.) So now we're a little bit stuck. Trying to figure out what works for our family without making anyone crazy in the process. I have heard that bedtime routines work for some people but I have been hesitant to try them because of my fear of scheduling. Sometimes we get home late and I need to get him to sleep as soon as possible. I don't want to have to go through a routine. My fear may be irrational, I know. I'm working through it. Pray for me. Pray for us.
Okay, the final difficult thing to deal with is another cultural thing. In Chinese there is this concept for babies and children of "guai/ bu guai," which roughly translates to obedient or disobedient. If a baby cries too much or is too hard to console, they are deemed "bu guai." To Westerners, a baby is not 'disobedient.' A baby is a baby and we do what we can to help them not cry, and try not to worry about it too much if they do. This has been a bit of a difficult issue for me. Nobody likes to hear that their child is disobedient, but when it's a baby it is even more difficult to take. I know no harm is meant, but I have to admit it; I take it a bit personally. Working through this as well--prayers appreciated.
Okay, there you have it--my struggles as a new mom. Not included was my struggle with breastfeeding, which was very difficult for the first month or so. Now it is a dream and I'm so glad we persevered. And I think most of my church friends now know what I'm doing when they see the nursing cover on. (Most of them had never seen a woman nurse with a cover and would ask if they could see the baby underneath the cover--ummm, not right now...) Praise God for allowing me to feed my baby--what a blessing!
Love to all who read my blog!
-p
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