The Waiting

Wow, it's been a long and frustrating five weeks. That's how long I've been in the 'any moment now' phase of preparing for our second son's birth. Following in his brother Caleb's footsteps, it seems he's waiting until the last minute. Caleb went 9 days late, which seemed like forever, coming the day before the doctor was going to induce. Tomorrow will be 14 days late for this baby, and the doctor will induce the day after that (Monday) if he doesn't come on his own by then. I am so frustrated because Josh has had a month or so off of school and he goes back next week. Also my mom arrives tomorrow night for a visit and I just wanted to be already settled in at home with Baby before she arrived. I couldn't have imagined that I could go this late. At this point things may not even have gotten started by the time she arrives. And then there are the dates I wanted--Feb. 12th because it's a niece's birthday, Feb. 14th for Valentine's, and even though I didn't want to wait that long, Feb. 16th for Josh's birthday would have been so special! Every day I am so sure that today is the day and then I go to bed thinking 'what happened?' I am trying to trust God's timing, but I just don't get it. I feel like we missed out on having some sweet family time, and now I may miss out on having a shot at a natural birth. I reserve the right to get an epidural if I want one, but after reading so much more about birth this time I really wanted to be able to try moving around during labor to see if it would help me get through it. The way they do things in Taiwan doesn't really support being able to move, especially if you get induced. I know this is a lot of whining, but I am low on friends in my life so I'm letting it all out here.

Any mother who's gone late knows the waiting can be excruciating. You try to prepare yourself for it. I did. I asked my doctor to move my due date a week back (from Feb. 5th to Feb. 12th) because they only let you go a week past due date here. Now I wonder if that was such a wise move after all. Anyways, I tried to focus on that new due date as the real one, even though I knew it wasn't accurate. But then Baby started measuring big. By 37 weeks he was bigger than Caleb was at birth. 'Surely he will come out sooner,' I thought. WRONG. So I packed my bag a little over 5 weeks ago and started bugging Josh to always have his cell phone on and charged. But nothing has happened. Not even any real contractions. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to wait, but it is.

I guess God is trying to grow some more patience and trust in me. And thankfulness. I do thank God for a healthy pregnancy. Really, I can't complain too much. And yet I've been borderline depressed lately--low appetite, not only for food but for life. The days drag. I drag. Caleb has been spending lots of time at Grandma's house and I stopped even fighting it. Bored. Lonely. Waiting.

It's made me think a bit about Christ's coming. I don't really live in that 'any moment now,' kind of mindset. It's too hard! But I realize I need to cultivate more of a desire for his coming in my life. Speaking of which, the season of Lent begins next week. What are you doing to prepare for Easter?

Thanks for letting me vent,
Paula