Monday, April 22, 2013
Has parenting gotten harder?
Has parenting gotten harder? I keep pondering this question and I feel like I know what the answer must be and yet it's somewhat of a mystery to me. This is what I mean. Think of parents ten, twenty, or a hundred years ago. First and foremost, they couldn't consult the Internet for every question, recipe, symptom, or other curiosity. How did they live? Then, the further back you go, they could not depend on their husbands for help. Husbands would not consider changing diapers, rocking children to sleep, much less pitching in with laundry or washing the dishes. The further back you go, women were less able to buy things outside of the home. A woman might not have the money or option to buy a take-out meal and more things had to be made by hand. Like butter. Or bread. Or clothes. Expectations for housekeeping and hospitality were higher than they are now. And there were no videos or electronic gadgets to entertain the kids for a bit while the woman attended to those tasks. What did they do? And people often had more children than we do now and the expectations for children's behavior were more strict. So first of all I don't understand how the women who came before did it all. Even my own mother raised four kids, kept house, made meals and never complained or seemed flustered. My grandma raised 11 kids and was not even allowed to call her mother with a question because of the expense of a long distance phone call. But not only am I perplexed by the question of how did they do it, but I wonder for modern mothers like myself, why does it seem so hard? I can barely make dinner a few days a week and I can never keep up with dishes, laundry or housework. And my husband helps out. A lot. And I have a washing machine for the clothes and a microwave and a McDonald's nearby (don't judge) and we eat takeout meals ALL THE TIME (don't judge). That said, we don't eat McDonald's all the time. But seriously! I barely ever accomplish anything except the bare minimum of what is necessary to survive. And I feel like I work pretty hard. And I'm always tired. So what is wrong with me? And I'm not the only mother I know in this situation. Has parenting gotten harder? It seems like it has gotten easier with all the modern innovations at our disposal and the way men's and women's roles have adjusted. So why does it seem impossible to be a good mom and a good homemaker? I'm stumped. Can anyone shed some light on this for me?
Also, as I've been thinking all this over I have decided to make for myself a mother's job description. Would anyone care to join me in this endeavor? I feel like it will help me focus on what I truly feel to be my God-given responsibility and what is just extra (anything you can find on Pinterest). I want to post it in my house and come back to it both to encourage me and to help me recognize areas for improvement. I want to be anointed by God for this amazing and important job of motherhood. Please consider writing your own so we can share and inspire each other in this way. Well, off to work on all the jobs that need to be completed around the house!
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2 comments:
There's been a lot of literature on this subject, lately. One big difference that I see is that most families have two working parents. So, all play time, housecleaning, and cooking must be done in the 4-6 hours one has after work during the week and on the weekends. We're also making less money for the work we do than we did 50 years ago. Less money creates more stress. I don't think technology assists us in our endeavors. My mother-in-law tells of evenings when the family sat around and listened to a radio show together. Now, everybody can be on their own computer, phone, etc. It seems like we're also all more isolated than previous generations. Again, my mother-in-law spent most Friday nights at her grandparents house, stayed over and went to the late movie. Her whole family lived in or around the same town. Now, people go away to college, get transferred for a job and so on. Sometimes a mother or sister can visit for a week or two with the birth of a new child but not always. We are always a more coddling society with our children than previous generations. I'm OK with that change. I'd rather play with the girls a little longer than sacrifice the time to dust the base boards. Two resources to check out: The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson and "The Fly Lady" (for housecleaning tips, organization, etc.) I think parenting is harder. The best advice I received from another mother, "Trust your instincts" and from a mother with a 3 and 4 year old, of her children "They make me tired and crazy. It's hard. But it's worth it."
I think a simple answer is that life *was* harder and people didn't always succeed at it. Especially in cities (for example, read up on how French creches came to be. Moms would just tie their kids to a bed for the day.). As for the strictness of behavior, that was helped enormously by societal standards. We have to fight against culture, by and large, if we want excellently behaved children, so there's conflict already built in. Also standards of decent childrearing have changed a lot - we have to do a lot more to protect our kids (they can't just wander the fields and find their own entertainment because kidnappers and getting run over by cars etc), we have to keep them competitive with their peers (schooling) and we are expected to do it all by ourselves. Our older kids aren't involved in raising the younger ones either. They worked a lot harder to survive, but I think their standards of living were also a lot more achievable. Like you would wear the same clothes until they're really truly dirty, have just one bowl for each person to eat out of, more illiteracy, etc. Less hygienic and less safe, but lower expectations and more family. And often, young women would learn skills in housekeeping by being hired help to a struggling mother in exchange for room and board.
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