My due date came and went and it's an understatement to say that I was getting impatient waiting for Baby to be born. My original due date was Feb. 5th, so if that was accurate I was already two weeks late when my mom arrived in town and we were scheduled for an induction the next morning. This baby was heavier than my firstborn and I was ready to get him out! My husband, mom and I arrived at the hospital around 10am on Monday, February 20th, ready to get the show on the road. However, it turns out they take a very conservative approach to induction in Taiwan, beginning with oral meds. One dose is one pill per hour for three hours, so we started with that. They had me change into a red hospital gown with sunflowers on it, which made me laugh. The nurse on duty was very friendly, so that was reassuring. We payed 2,000NT to get a private labor/delivery room (about $60 US, well worth it!) It came with a TV and Josh was excited that he could feed his Linsanity while I labored. After doing fetal monitoring for a while the nurse said I could get up and walk around, so my mom made our way around the hospital, returning every 30 minutes to check the baby's heartbeat and/or take another pill. From what I'd heard about taking Pitocin I was a little scared, so it seemed good to start out slowly, especially since I was not dilated at all. When I'd finished the first three pills they said they would give me three more. I thought it was a little tedious, but figured if it didn't start my labor that they would have to start me on Pitocin. Well, three more pills and three slow hours later they said they would give me three more pills and then call it a day. I started crying. I came to have a baby, not to wait around forever! Since I was crying they said they would discuss my options with the doctor. That sounded good at least.
One funny thing--at four a new nurse came on shift and I was relieved that she also seemed quite friendly. But there was one thing that she was really concerned about. She kept asking me if I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. She said that second-time-moms have their babies really fast and that if I felt like I had to poop I should tell her right away because otherwise I would go to the bathroom and my baby would just be born in the toilet. This hardly seemed like it could be the situation since I was barely dilated and barely in labor, but every time she came in the room she would ask, "Do you feel like you have to poop?" much to our amusement. One time I really did feel like I had to 'go,' but of course I didn't tell her, I just went ahead and 'went.' I wanted to mess with her a little but my mom didn't think it was a good idea.
Around dinnertime Josh and my mom went out to get food. I was having some contractions, but nothing too serious or regular. The doctor said I could take a stronger pill, but that one he could only give me once every three hours, and he would only give me two more before stopping for the day. I felt a bit uneasy because I was worried that I would start labor enough to be uncomfortable all night but not enough to have a baby. But after dinner the nurse came in with the pill so I figured I would take it. After that I was starting to have more regular contractions, about 5-6 minutes apart, but still not very painful. I was getting excited because it seemed like things were finally progressing. Sometime around 7 or 8pm they checked me and I was at 2 cm. Not much, but better than nothing! But as the medicine wore off my contractions were getting less regular, I was getting discouraged again.
Then a new nurse came on shift. She was older than the previous two and not as friendly, but not mean either. She said she could start me on Pitocin because we needed my contractions to be three minutes apart in order to progress. I was torn because on one hand that was what I'd been waiting for all day but on the other hand it was now about 10pm and I was starting to feel a little tired. My mom pointed out though that my contractions were coming fast enough (4-5 min) and powerful enough (still tolerable but I had to lean on a chair and breathe through them) that I probably wouldn't be able to get much rest that night anyways. I wanted to get the baby to come but I was scared of what Pitocin-induced contractions every three minutes would feel like. The nurse came back and was ready to hook me up to the IV so I had to lay down. Right away when I lay down the contractions felt incredibly uncomfortable and started coming faster and faster it seemed. I was grateful after being hooked up that they let me get back out of the bed. Now attatched to the IV my range of motion was smaller, but I would squat down between the chair and the dresser during contractions and it seemed to take some of the pressure off. I also figured it was good for trying to move the baby down because he hadn't dropped yet. We carried on like that with my mom timing the contractions for some time and the contractions continued to get more intense. I had read more about labor this time around and something I read said that if you can relax enough and move the right way contractions don't have to be painful. I found that to be true up till about 1am and then they would come on so intensely that I had to start making some noise at the peak of each contraction. The nurse came to check at 1 and it turned out she had never even given me the Pitocin in the IV. She said it seemed like things were progressing fine without it so she never injected it into the IV bag.
By 2am I was getting too loud for the nurse to ignore me so she came in to check. I told my mom that if I was less than 5cm dilated I was ready for the epidural and she said that sounded fair. The nurse checked me and said that I was 4-5cm. I said I wanted the epidural. She said no. She said the baby was going to be here really fast. I asked how long. She said 2 hours. I said I couldn't make it that long. She said I had to get in the bed. I asked why. She said she wanted to monitor more closely and that the baby was going to be there really soon. I started panicking in my mind. I felt strongly that I couldn't make it two more hours, but even more so I was terrified about getting in the bed. Looking back I wonder why I didn't fight harder? I don't know? I was too tired I guess. I got in the bed and was overcome with fear and dread. We kicked my mom out because the nurse wanted to be checking my progress all the time (like every contraction--fun, fun).
Right away when I got in the bed my contractions became much further apart, but also more and more unbearable with each one. After it was over I would lay there terrified of the next one, but when it delayed I would fall asleep for a couple minutes. Josh was holding my hand and praying for me, which helped. I felt like God was giving me the little resting breaks in between the contractions. It would be peaceful for a moment but then I would know a contraction was coming because I would be awakened by my whole body trembling. Then I would say "no no no," but it would come on just the same, and I couldn't do anything but lay there and scream. All thoughts of relaxing through the contraction or trying to let my body do what it needed to do were out the window. I was just trying to survive what was happening to me. I felt very powerless and consumed by dread.
Around 3am she decided to give me that Pitocin in the IV after all because she really wanted to get the contractions 3 minutes apart. I was filled with even more dread and terror and let's just say she wasn't my favorite person in the world. But soon after that she was contacting the doctor. Still, I was waiting for signs like my water breaking or feeling the urge to push, which I hadn't felt so it seemed like birth was still far away.
Not long after that she was asking me if I felt the urge to push. I said no but she said to push anyways. The way they had me in the bed was awkward and I couldn't figure out how to push. They put up these platforms to push my feet against like doing squats at the gym, and they pulled levers for my arms but everything seemed to be at the wrong angle and just felt wrong. I tried to push anyways. I couldn't tell if it was working or not. Around 3:40 she ran and told the doctor to come in and he did. I felt better because I liked him much better than the nurse and trusted him, but I still didn't feel like birth would be soon. I kept waiting to feel the urge to push. It never came. I kept waiting for my water to break. Later I found out that the doctor broke it when he came in but nobody told me. Nobody ever said if I was fully dilated. Also the nurse who was not my best friend kept trying to lay across my stomach (they do that here) even though I was asking her not to. I was only semi-conscious of what was going on because of being in so much pain and fear and just from being tired I guess. They kept telling me to push and I was trying but it felt like if I pushed any harder than I was that my body would burst. I could feel the size of what I was trying to push out and I was 99% sure it was not going to fit through the opening. I kept saying "it's stuck." I kept waiting for them to confirm that there was no way it could get out, but all the doctor said was "Ta de tou man da de," or his head is pretty big. Not encouraging. Well I pushed and pushed and I did burst in the sense that even though the doctor gave me an episiotomy I still tore. Not fun. And then I couldn't believe it but I saw Isaac's purple head coming out. Praise the Lord! I couldn't believe this child was actually being born. I couldn't see the rest of him coming out because the nurse laid on me again which seemed highly unnecessary and annoying. But the next moment they were laying him on top of me, blood-matted hair, purple body and all. I loved him, of course. He was born at 4:08 am.
Next they took him to the side to work on him while I was stitched up. I seemed to feel each stitch and my body was shaking uncontrollably. Even though I was glad he was out, I couldn't say that I felt relief. Maybe thirty minutes later they laid him back on my chest and I was even allowed to breastfeed him. He knew just what to do--Praise God! Nobody hurried us. When we were all done in the delivery room, they had us move into our hospital room, which was deluxe because we decided why not splurge on the nice room? I'm glad we did. Those were a sweet couple of first days of nursing, snuggling and visiting (and watching Jeremy Lin for Josh). Josh and I slept well for about four hours and then they brought Isaac to stay with us forever. What a wonderful time we've had since. Isaac is a sweet baby who sleeps hard, nurses well and makes cute squeaky noises. I pictured him being more active and demanding of my attention, but I suppose there is time for that later. For now he's just our little angel baby and we love him with all of our hearts. Caleb is still adjusting, which can be hard, but I'm proud of him as well. And that is the story of how we became a family of four! All I can say is forget all this natural birth nonsense; next time I want the epidural!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
The Waiting
Wow, it's been a long and frustrating five weeks. That's how long I've been in the 'any moment now' phase of preparing for our second son's birth. Following in his brother Caleb's footsteps, it seems he's waiting until the last minute. Caleb went 9 days late, which seemed like forever, coming the day before the doctor was going to induce. Tomorrow will be 14 days late for this baby, and the doctor will induce the day after that (Monday) if he doesn't come on his own by then. I am so frustrated because Josh has had a month or so off of school and he goes back next week. Also my mom arrives tomorrow night for a visit and I just wanted to be already settled in at home with Baby before she arrived. I couldn't have imagined that I could go this late. At this point things may not even have gotten started by the time she arrives. And then there are the dates I wanted--Feb. 12th because it's a niece's birthday, Feb. 14th for Valentine's, and even though I didn't want to wait that long, Feb. 16th for Josh's birthday would have been so special! Every day I am so sure that today is the day and then I go to bed thinking 'what happened?' I am trying to trust God's timing, but I just don't get it. I feel like we missed out on having some sweet family time, and now I may miss out on having a shot at a natural birth. I reserve the right to get an epidural if I want one, but after reading so much more about birth this time I really wanted to be able to try moving around during labor to see if it would help me get through it. The way they do things in Taiwan doesn't really support being able to move, especially if you get induced. I know this is a lot of whining, but I am low on friends in my life so I'm letting it all out here.
Any mother who's gone late knows the waiting can be excruciating. You try to prepare yourself for it. I did. I asked my doctor to move my due date a week back (from Feb. 5th to Feb. 12th) because they only let you go a week past due date here. Now I wonder if that was such a wise move after all. Anyways, I tried to focus on that new due date as the real one, even though I knew it wasn't accurate. But then Baby started measuring big. By 37 weeks he was bigger than Caleb was at birth. 'Surely he will come out sooner,' I thought. WRONG. So I packed my bag a little over 5 weeks ago and started bugging Josh to always have his cell phone on and charged. But nothing has happened. Not even any real contractions. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to wait, but it is.
I guess God is trying to grow some more patience and trust in me. And thankfulness. I do thank God for a healthy pregnancy. Really, I can't complain too much. And yet I've been borderline depressed lately--low appetite, not only for food but for life. The days drag. I drag. Caleb has been spending lots of time at Grandma's house and I stopped even fighting it. Bored. Lonely. Waiting.
It's made me think a bit about Christ's coming. I don't really live in that 'any moment now,' kind of mindset. It's too hard! But I realize I need to cultivate more of a desire for his coming in my life. Speaking of which, the season of Lent begins next week. What are you doing to prepare for Easter?
Thanks for letting me vent,
Paula
Any mother who's gone late knows the waiting can be excruciating. You try to prepare yourself for it. I did. I asked my doctor to move my due date a week back (from Feb. 5th to Feb. 12th) because they only let you go a week past due date here. Now I wonder if that was such a wise move after all. Anyways, I tried to focus on that new due date as the real one, even though I knew it wasn't accurate. But then Baby started measuring big. By 37 weeks he was bigger than Caleb was at birth. 'Surely he will come out sooner,' I thought. WRONG. So I packed my bag a little over 5 weeks ago and started bugging Josh to always have his cell phone on and charged. But nothing has happened. Not even any real contractions. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to wait, but it is.
I guess God is trying to grow some more patience and trust in me. And thankfulness. I do thank God for a healthy pregnancy. Really, I can't complain too much. And yet I've been borderline depressed lately--low appetite, not only for food but for life. The days drag. I drag. Caleb has been spending lots of time at Grandma's house and I stopped even fighting it. Bored. Lonely. Waiting.
It's made me think a bit about Christ's coming. I don't really live in that 'any moment now,' kind of mindset. It's too hard! But I realize I need to cultivate more of a desire for his coming in my life. Speaking of which, the season of Lent begins next week. What are you doing to prepare for Easter?
Thanks for letting me vent,
Paula
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Happy 2012
It seems a bit funny that I am late in writing this post as one of my new year's resolutions from last year was to make peace with being late. It's actually the only resolution I kept and it has helped Josh and I avoid numerous conflicts, so I'd say it was a good one. The only time I CAN'T relax about being late is when I'm teaching. When I'm teaching if I'm not at least ten minutes early I go into a slight panic attack. I had two other resolutions in 2011 and I didn't really keep either of them. One was to get more hair washes, but Josh won't let me because I'm pregnant. The other was to journal more--I give myself a D- on that one. Oh well, it was a good year, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed every day with my baby boy. The wonder never wears off for me. Even though I can't slow time down, I can make sure that I cherish the moments, and even though there are hard times, for the most part I really do cherish each moment with Caleb as well as the times our family of three (almost 4) is together.
Well, instead of resolutions for 2012, I've decided to come up with a list of goals for small things I hope to accomplish this year, mostly things I have never done. Or some of them I have just never done in Taiwan. I am listing 12 goals, but my real and actual goal is to accomplish 10 of them. Hey, I need a lot of grace, people. Here they are:
1. Make my own Play-doh
2. Use the mymemories software that I won to make something glorious
3. bake bread
4. make stovetop popcorn
5. make lasagna
6. make yogurt
7. make deviled eggs
8. make pancakes
9. make a cheeseball
10. make chicken lettuce wraps
11. make enchiladas
12. make carrot cake
I love how items 3-12 are all food items. Well, I am trying to learn how to cook so it makes sense. One drawback to my current setup is that I can't use the stovetop and the oven at the same time, but at least I have an oven now so I won't complain.
I guess I do have one resolution, but it's more of a lifetime resolution than a new year's resolution. I've been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs and realized I need to learn how to speak respectfully to my husband (including facial expresssion and tone of voice.) Man, is that hard! But I know it will be worth it in terms of benefiting my marriage and household. Other than that I just keep on keeping on in the gentle school of homemaking. Sometimes I still get really overwhelmed or discouraged, but I try my best to stay positive and focus on small improvements.
This year we look forward to the arrival of our second little bundle of joy!
Happy 2012 everyone!
Well, instead of resolutions for 2012, I've decided to come up with a list of goals for small things I hope to accomplish this year, mostly things I have never done. Or some of them I have just never done in Taiwan. I am listing 12 goals, but my real and actual goal is to accomplish 10 of them. Hey, I need a lot of grace, people. Here they are:
1. Make my own Play-doh
2. Use the mymemories software that I won to make something glorious
3. bake bread
4. make stovetop popcorn
5. make lasagna
6. make yogurt
7. make deviled eggs
8. make pancakes
9. make a cheeseball
10. make chicken lettuce wraps
11. make enchiladas
12. make carrot cake
I love how items 3-12 are all food items. Well, I am trying to learn how to cook so it makes sense. One drawback to my current setup is that I can't use the stovetop and the oven at the same time, but at least I have an oven now so I won't complain.
I guess I do have one resolution, but it's more of a lifetime resolution than a new year's resolution. I've been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs and realized I need to learn how to speak respectfully to my husband (including facial expresssion and tone of voice.) Man, is that hard! But I know it will be worth it in terms of benefiting my marriage and household. Other than that I just keep on keeping on in the gentle school of homemaking. Sometimes I still get really overwhelmed or discouraged, but I try my best to stay positive and focus on small improvements.
This year we look forward to the arrival of our second little bundle of joy!
Happy 2012 everyone!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
God's Gentle School of Homemaking
My thoughts and words about myself as a homemaker used to be hopelessly negative. In my mind or out loud I was constantly berating myself, talking about how incompetent I was and what a complete failure I was in the area of homemaking. As a child I guess I gave my mom such a hard time about doing chores that she never really taught me her methods of cooking for/cleaning up after a family. Because I was a good student and found my sense of accomplishment in the academic world, I never worried about it. But then I got married, had kid(s), and stopped being a student. All the sudden my lack of good daily cleaning/cooking habits and lack of general kitchen/household knowledge seemed overwhelming and too daunting to ever overcome. I felt worthless in the home. So for my first year of marriage I stayed out of the home. And my second year of marriage I went back to school. But then I had my sweet son Caleb and I wanted to change everything. I want to be the kind of mom my own mother was--always providing meals, entertainment and a nice home environment for us without ever seeming frazzled, rushed or tired. In fact, I hardly ever noticed her doing household chores growing up, she did it so naturally and casually without ever complaining or even asking for help. I will probably never be quite like her, but I knew I had to make some changes. Yet I didn't know where to begin. I am such a lazy slob deep down...
So who would be my teacher in this new school of homemaking? I sometimes ask my mom questions but she lives a bit far away. My mother-in-law always leaves the house spic and span but our relationship is a bit strained. I see women around me managing their households well but nobody seems willing to really tell me the nitty gritty of how they do it--cleaning schedules, techniques, menu plans, etc. I don't think anyone realizes that I'm really starting out at level zero here; I really know nothing. Only recently I couldn't boil eggs. I still don't know how to properly clean a toilet or shower. I know it's pathetic. But I have a good, patient and gentle teacher now: God himself! Okay, he often uses other sources to teach me, but little by little useful information is sinking in and then slowly, slowly step by step I am implementing it. I know without God's power to change I wouldn't be able to take those baby steps. And when I do, I feel so good. But most importantly, God has been changing the way I think, talk, view myself as a woman.
Like He so often does, He's turning the negative into a positive. Even if it's true that I'm the worst homemaker in the world, dwelling on it sure doesn't help anything. Instead, I've been focusing on what one thing can I do to bless my family (and really myself) today or right now. It's baby steps, but when I look to Him, God is faithful to show me the next step, and He has been using a slew of blogs written mostly by other Christian homemakers to instill knowledge into my thick skull. It's also two steps forward and one step back, but even though I have slip-ups and sometimes give in to laziness, I never want to go back to the way I used to be. Two weeks ago I tried my first menu plan. I didn't stick to it completely, partly because my mother in law brought enough food for an army mid-week, but for the most part I enjoyed it and it took anxiety out of my days. I struggle with guilt over asking Josh to watch Caleb and let me cook, but I'm trying to realize that it is a blessing for my whole family if I can cook, and he might have spent the time going out to buy dinner anyways. There's much to say and I don't know if I'm expressing myself very well, but I'm learning so much and feel so encouraged. I have a LONG way to go, but I'm not worrying about that. Once I make it a habit to do the minimum things I am doing now, I can build on that foundation. I no longer say that I am terrible, useless, awful--I say "I am learning, I am improving, I will make one change to improve this week." This week was my birthday week and I let things slide in order to celebrate. It was good for a day or two, but then I started to go crazy because I am depending on myself to follow through with these new habits. When I don't, I let myself down. I never knew how good I could feel about myself for doing simple chores and following through on things I tell myself I will do. I used to say I would do it but then I never would.
Part of this newfound success comes from Caleb learning to fall asleep without me nursing him to sleep. It sounds small, but it's revolutionized my life. There was a big hangup in this area because of a disagreement between Josh and I, but an older couple gave us some good advice and Josh gave me the green light to try to do things differently. God showed me step by step what to do to suit both Caleb's and my personality and he learned faster and more easily than I imagined possible to fall asleep in his crib. It wasn't even very painful. And once he learned that, he somehow started going to bed earlier and earlier without my prompting. The drawback is that this means earlier mornings for me, but the total worth-it payback is that at night I have energy to do household chores or some cooking/meal prep. This has made such a difference in my life that I can't even describe it. Anyways, all this to say that I am no longer a student in the academic sense of the word, but I love my new enrollment in God's Gentle School of Homemaking and I long to be a blessing to my household.
Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." I want to be the wise woman. Some days the foolish woman comes back out, but I am not focusing on that. I am focusing on the fact that I am improving and that SOME OF THE TIME I am building up my house with wisdom. God, please give me the grace and continued guidance to learn to be wise and work with strong arms (Prov 31:17) to build this house, which is really YOUR house. Amen!
So who would be my teacher in this new school of homemaking? I sometimes ask my mom questions but she lives a bit far away. My mother-in-law always leaves the house spic and span but our relationship is a bit strained. I see women around me managing their households well but nobody seems willing to really tell me the nitty gritty of how they do it--cleaning schedules, techniques, menu plans, etc. I don't think anyone realizes that I'm really starting out at level zero here; I really know nothing. Only recently I couldn't boil eggs. I still don't know how to properly clean a toilet or shower. I know it's pathetic. But I have a good, patient and gentle teacher now: God himself! Okay, he often uses other sources to teach me, but little by little useful information is sinking in and then slowly, slowly step by step I am implementing it. I know without God's power to change I wouldn't be able to take those baby steps. And when I do, I feel so good. But most importantly, God has been changing the way I think, talk, view myself as a woman.
Like He so often does, He's turning the negative into a positive. Even if it's true that I'm the worst homemaker in the world, dwelling on it sure doesn't help anything. Instead, I've been focusing on what one thing can I do to bless my family (and really myself) today or right now. It's baby steps, but when I look to Him, God is faithful to show me the next step, and He has been using a slew of blogs written mostly by other Christian homemakers to instill knowledge into my thick skull. It's also two steps forward and one step back, but even though I have slip-ups and sometimes give in to laziness, I never want to go back to the way I used to be. Two weeks ago I tried my first menu plan. I didn't stick to it completely, partly because my mother in law brought enough food for an army mid-week, but for the most part I enjoyed it and it took anxiety out of my days. I struggle with guilt over asking Josh to watch Caleb and let me cook, but I'm trying to realize that it is a blessing for my whole family if I can cook, and he might have spent the time going out to buy dinner anyways. There's much to say and I don't know if I'm expressing myself very well, but I'm learning so much and feel so encouraged. I have a LONG way to go, but I'm not worrying about that. Once I make it a habit to do the minimum things I am doing now, I can build on that foundation. I no longer say that I am terrible, useless, awful--I say "I am learning, I am improving, I will make one change to improve this week." This week was my birthday week and I let things slide in order to celebrate. It was good for a day or two, but then I started to go crazy because I am depending on myself to follow through with these new habits. When I don't, I let myself down. I never knew how good I could feel about myself for doing simple chores and following through on things I tell myself I will do. I used to say I would do it but then I never would.
Part of this newfound success comes from Caleb learning to fall asleep without me nursing him to sleep. It sounds small, but it's revolutionized my life. There was a big hangup in this area because of a disagreement between Josh and I, but an older couple gave us some good advice and Josh gave me the green light to try to do things differently. God showed me step by step what to do to suit both Caleb's and my personality and he learned faster and more easily than I imagined possible to fall asleep in his crib. It wasn't even very painful. And once he learned that, he somehow started going to bed earlier and earlier without my prompting. The drawback is that this means earlier mornings for me, but the total worth-it payback is that at night I have energy to do household chores or some cooking/meal prep. This has made such a difference in my life that I can't even describe it. Anyways, all this to say that I am no longer a student in the academic sense of the word, but I love my new enrollment in God's Gentle School of Homemaking and I long to be a blessing to my household.
Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." I want to be the wise woman. Some days the foolish woman comes back out, but I am not focusing on that. I am focusing on the fact that I am improving and that SOME OF THE TIME I am building up my house with wisdom. God, please give me the grace and continued guidance to learn to be wise and work with strong arms (Prov 31:17) to build this house, which is really YOUR house. Amen!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
God is Good
God is Good.
I've been thinking about the meaning of this phrase lately.
Usually people don't use it to mean what it really means. Or maybe that's just my opinion.
A lot of times it seems to me that people say it to mean: God just did something great for me.
Think about it. If someone says "God is good," we want to know what good thing is going on in
their lives. Not that this is a bad thing. We should be grateful to God for all the
good things He does in our lives. We should give Him the praise. But I think the phrase "God is good"
has a more complete meaning.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is good apart from our circumstances. The fact that God is
good is a deep unchangeable Truth. Whether things are going well or not, God is good. Sometimes
when we look at the world it takes faith to say God is good, but it is still true no matter what.
When I look at the situation in Congo with the mass mistreatment and mutilation of women, my heart breaks and I
wonder what the solution could be.
Still, God is good.
When I think about the suicide bomber who killed women and children in the maternity ward of a
hospital in Afghanistan I wonder how people can be so awful.
Still, God is good.
The sex trade seems to be increasing in both magnitude and perversity. It makes me sick.
Still, God is good.
Nothing will ever change this.
And in heaven, we will be able to experience his goodness without all the sadness and chaos that
are part of life on earth. I very much look forward to that.
So the response to "God is good" is as it should be: "All the time." But I didn't use to believe that, even when I
said it. Don't say it mindlessly. Really soak in the truth. God is good. All the time. Even when I can't
see it. Even when circumstances make me want to question it. Even when I am struggling.
God is good.
Do you believe it?
I've been thinking about the meaning of this phrase lately.
Usually people don't use it to mean what it really means. Or maybe that's just my opinion.
A lot of times it seems to me that people say it to mean: God just did something great for me.
Think about it. If someone says "God is good," we want to know what good thing is going on in
their lives. Not that this is a bad thing. We should be grateful to God for all the
good things He does in our lives. We should give Him the praise. But I think the phrase "God is good"
has a more complete meaning.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is good apart from our circumstances. The fact that God is
good is a deep unchangeable Truth. Whether things are going well or not, God is good. Sometimes
when we look at the world it takes faith to say God is good, but it is still true no matter what.
When I look at the situation in Congo with the mass mistreatment and mutilation of women, my heart breaks and I
wonder what the solution could be.
Still, God is good.
When I think about the suicide bomber who killed women and children in the maternity ward of a
hospital in Afghanistan I wonder how people can be so awful.
Still, God is good.
The sex trade seems to be increasing in both magnitude and perversity. It makes me sick.
Still, God is good.
Nothing will ever change this.
And in heaven, we will be able to experience his goodness without all the sadness and chaos that
are part of life on earth. I very much look forward to that.
So the response to "God is good" is as it should be: "All the time." But I didn't use to believe that, even when I
said it. Don't say it mindlessly. Really soak in the truth. God is good. All the time. Even when I can't
see it. Even when circumstances make me want to question it. Even when I am struggling.
God is good.
Do you believe it?
Monday, June 6, 2011
life lately
I begin most posts this way, but sorry I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing:
Anyways, apart from having my hands full with my little bundle of joy, another reason for not writing was I have to sheepishly face up to the fact that I did not in fact take my own 40 day gospel challenge. But I've been working on having an open heart to listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance to talk to people I meet and say something that will glorify God. A step in the right direction. Not a leap but a step, nevertheless.
So, life lately has been good. I post photos of our little guy on Facebook mostly and am using this blog for words. That means having two hands to type. Caleb is taking a rare nap at the moment, but if I cut off abruptly I guess that means he woke up. We're having a lot of fun with him these days. He's pulling up on furniture or anything else he can find--stable or not, and starting to take a few steps while hanging on to things. Usually that ends in some sort of faceplant if mama isn't right there to catch him. He can crawl pretty well now but he doesn't crawl long because he usually finds something of interest and stops to investigate it or try to climb onto it. He seems really smart to us, but of course we are his parents. This week his new trick is that he's started clapping spontaneously. Not really making much sound yet, but he's got the motion almost right. He also spontaneously initiated a couple of games of peek-a-boo with me by pulling the blanket over his head and then peeking out suddenly. He's pretty stingy with his laugh but when he does laugh, it's the sweetest sound. And his Ama taught him how to throw--not sure how I feel about that one yet!
Josh and I have been working on our marriage. For those of you with young kids I guess you can understand when I say we hit some speedbumps recently. But God has been helping us--sometimes not as dramatically or quickly as I would want, but in His own way and His own timing. Thank you for all of your prayers. Last night our friends Mike and Kathy sponsored us to go on a sweet date at The Bayou! I just finished the leftovers for lunch--delish. Thanks, guys. Good meal and sweet conversation. Well, wish I could stay and chat but 10,000 other things are calling for my attention. Hope to check back in sooner or later.
Anyways, apart from having my hands full with my little bundle of joy, another reason for not writing was I have to sheepishly face up to the fact that I did not in fact take my own 40 day gospel challenge. But I've been working on having an open heart to listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance to talk to people I meet and say something that will glorify God. A step in the right direction. Not a leap but a step, nevertheless.
So, life lately has been good. I post photos of our little guy on Facebook mostly and am using this blog for words. That means having two hands to type. Caleb is taking a rare nap at the moment, but if I cut off abruptly I guess that means he woke up. We're having a lot of fun with him these days. He's pulling up on furniture or anything else he can find--stable or not, and starting to take a few steps while hanging on to things. Usually that ends in some sort of faceplant if mama isn't right there to catch him. He can crawl pretty well now but he doesn't crawl long because he usually finds something of interest and stops to investigate it or try to climb onto it. He seems really smart to us, but of course we are his parents. This week his new trick is that he's started clapping spontaneously. Not really making much sound yet, but he's got the motion almost right. He also spontaneously initiated a couple of games of peek-a-boo with me by pulling the blanket over his head and then peeking out suddenly. He's pretty stingy with his laugh but when he does laugh, it's the sweetest sound. And his Ama taught him how to throw--not sure how I feel about that one yet!
Josh and I have been working on our marriage. For those of you with young kids I guess you can understand when I say we hit some speedbumps recently. But God has been helping us--sometimes not as dramatically or quickly as I would want, but in His own way and His own timing. Thank you for all of your prayers. Last night our friends Mike and Kathy sponsored us to go on a sweet date at The Bayou! I just finished the leftovers for lunch--delish. Thanks, guys. Good meal and sweet conversation. Well, wish I could stay and chat but 10,000 other things are calling for my attention. Hope to check back in sooner or later.
Monday, April 11, 2011
the gospel
As some of you know, I have given up facebook in preparation for Easter. It's not because I'm super holy or anything like that, I just wanted to spend more time with God, reflecting on the cross. Easter becomes so much more meaningful when we prepare our hearts for it! Anyways, I have had limited success with using my time more wisely, but being off facebook has been freeing in a few unexpected ways. First of all, I realized that I was running to facebook for affirmation instead of turning to God. Ultimately the praises of others are not satisfying, but finding our worth in Christ is. Also, although I miss being in touch with people, I had become so addicted to facebook that I wanted to know what was going on with everybody all the time. It created this artificial sense of friendship which has filled a void created by being home a lot with Caleb. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being at home with Caleb, but I am not an island--I am part of the body of Christ and I need to be with others as well. When that part of me feels fulfilled by facebook I don't do as good of a job reaching out to others around me. I don't think facebook is evil. I think it serves a purpose, especially since I am far from many loved ones, but I had given it too much importance in my life and that needed to be dealt with.
That said, I have been thinking and God has been working in me. He has been healing some unhealthy stuff in me and bringing up other stuff we still need to work on. (His work is never finished!) The other day I was with Caleb at the park and it was afternoon so many grandparents were out with their grandchildren. In Taiwanese society grandparents often raise the kids while parents work. My mother-in-law would like to have it that way too, but there's no way I'm giving up the chance to raise my amazing son. Well I was sitting there and a though popped into my head as thoughts sometimes do. I though, "Why don't I share the gospel more?" I remember talking with my family about all the things I love about Taiwan. One was that people are often open to hearing about Jesus. It is hard for them to make the decision to become a Christian, but they are usually open to discussing Jesus or even coming to a Bible study. However, I have become so super-focused on being a mom that I have let this part of my life go. I think to a point, that super-focus is given to moms by God. It helps us deal with the huge life change of becoming a mom and to take our responsibility seriously. It helps to ensure the survival of our little ones. On the other hand, in all things we need balance, right?
I often get overwhelmed with the idea of sharing the gospel. I think, if I open myself up to the Holy Spirit's leading, I will be sharing the gospel all day every day and never get a break. Also it scares me because I am timid by nature. So I ignore this part of my calling. I wasn't always this way. When I first came to Taiwan I saw sharing the gospel as a large part of my purpose for being here so I did it enthusiastically. However, the longer I have stayed and the more I understand the culture, the more monumental the obstacles seem. I know that it is extremely difficult for a person to go against their family's wishes and become a Christian. I know that Satan has used cults to create much confusion about Christianity. I know that it is easy for a person to want to add Jesus into their religious conglomerate of beliefs without understanding that He must be our one and only. So at some point I stopped sharing. I stopped wanting to share. I lost my passion.
Along with the thought, "Why don't I share the gospel more," another thought popped into my brain. "What if I did an experiment where I shared the gospel every day for 40 days and I just see what happens." I have kept thinking of this challenge sine that day. I have a few problems with it. First, it seems like it is making light of a very serious matter. Second, it seems like it is taking into my own hands a work that should be led by the Holy Spirit. Those thoughts seem rational. Until I think further. Jesus gave us the great commission. It is part of our work as Christians to share the gospel. If I shared the gospel once a day it would be pretty much a 100% increase from what I'm doing now. What's the worst that could happen? 40 rejections? So what? Also, just because I do this 40 day experiment, it doesn't mean I am limited. I have in mind to use the 40 days after Easter, in accordance with how many days the resurrected Lord walked the earth. But that doesn't mean I can't start practicing now. And it doesn't mean I can only share once a day. And it doesn't mean I stop after 40 days. You know what I mean? I mean the way of doing it doesn't sound very spiritual, but it is a good thing to do and in theory I would hope it would help me to rebuild the habit of sharing the gospel into my life. I have heard it said that when Jesus said "Go into all the world," it could be translated "as you go." We are to share the gospel as we go about our daily lives. Right now I am not doing that. Besides, many people are drawn to talking to me because of my adorable baby. How threatening can I be with Caleb strapped to me?
So I think I'm going to do it. I'll keep you posted, but I can't think of a real reason not to. And now, telling you about it will help solidify my commitment. I want to get a few tools ready (evangecube, wordless book, etc.). Tell me if you have any other great ones. If I indeed follow through I will try to be faithful to posting results here, but I am really bad at blogging so no promises. But if anything exciting happens I'll be sure to let you know. Please join me in prayer if you think of it!
-paula
That said, I have been thinking and God has been working in me. He has been healing some unhealthy stuff in me and bringing up other stuff we still need to work on. (His work is never finished!) The other day I was with Caleb at the park and it was afternoon so many grandparents were out with their grandchildren. In Taiwanese society grandparents often raise the kids while parents work. My mother-in-law would like to have it that way too, but there's no way I'm giving up the chance to raise my amazing son. Well I was sitting there and a though popped into my head as thoughts sometimes do. I though, "Why don't I share the gospel more?" I remember talking with my family about all the things I love about Taiwan. One was that people are often open to hearing about Jesus. It is hard for them to make the decision to become a Christian, but they are usually open to discussing Jesus or even coming to a Bible study. However, I have become so super-focused on being a mom that I have let this part of my life go. I think to a point, that super-focus is given to moms by God. It helps us deal with the huge life change of becoming a mom and to take our responsibility seriously. It helps to ensure the survival of our little ones. On the other hand, in all things we need balance, right?
I often get overwhelmed with the idea of sharing the gospel. I think, if I open myself up to the Holy Spirit's leading, I will be sharing the gospel all day every day and never get a break. Also it scares me because I am timid by nature. So I ignore this part of my calling. I wasn't always this way. When I first came to Taiwan I saw sharing the gospel as a large part of my purpose for being here so I did it enthusiastically. However, the longer I have stayed and the more I understand the culture, the more monumental the obstacles seem. I know that it is extremely difficult for a person to go against their family's wishes and become a Christian. I know that Satan has used cults to create much confusion about Christianity. I know that it is easy for a person to want to add Jesus into their religious conglomerate of beliefs without understanding that He must be our one and only. So at some point I stopped sharing. I stopped wanting to share. I lost my passion.
Along with the thought, "Why don't I share the gospel more," another thought popped into my brain. "What if I did an experiment where I shared the gospel every day for 40 days and I just see what happens." I have kept thinking of this challenge sine that day. I have a few problems with it. First, it seems like it is making light of a very serious matter. Second, it seems like it is taking into my own hands a work that should be led by the Holy Spirit. Those thoughts seem rational. Until I think further. Jesus gave us the great commission. It is part of our work as Christians to share the gospel. If I shared the gospel once a day it would be pretty much a 100% increase from what I'm doing now. What's the worst that could happen? 40 rejections? So what? Also, just because I do this 40 day experiment, it doesn't mean I am limited. I have in mind to use the 40 days after Easter, in accordance with how many days the resurrected Lord walked the earth. But that doesn't mean I can't start practicing now. And it doesn't mean I can only share once a day. And it doesn't mean I stop after 40 days. You know what I mean? I mean the way of doing it doesn't sound very spiritual, but it is a good thing to do and in theory I would hope it would help me to rebuild the habit of sharing the gospel into my life. I have heard it said that when Jesus said "Go into all the world," it could be translated "as you go." We are to share the gospel as we go about our daily lives. Right now I am not doing that. Besides, many people are drawn to talking to me because of my adorable baby. How threatening can I be with Caleb strapped to me?
So I think I'm going to do it. I'll keep you posted, but I can't think of a real reason not to. And now, telling you about it will help solidify my commitment. I want to get a few tools ready (evangecube, wordless book, etc.). Tell me if you have any other great ones. If I indeed follow through I will try to be faithful to posting results here, but I am really bad at blogging so no promises. But if anything exciting happens I'll be sure to let you know. Please join me in prayer if you think of it!
-paula
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)