things that i miss

I am so glad that I have my two sweet little boys. I can't imagine my life without them and I wouldn't trade being with them for anything in the world. I remind myself of that when the floor is covered in cheerios, the laundry basket is overflowing and I haven't seen the bottom of the sink all week. Before becoming a parent I feared what I would be giving up, especially freedom. Then when I met my son(s) and discovered the whole new, indescribable, life-changing kind of love that is parenthood, everything changed. Sacrifice didn't feel like sacrifice. I would do anything for those two little sweethearts, even if they never said thank you or even "mama." And yet...there are things I miss. This is just off the top of my head. It's not meant to be a complaint, just a recording of part of this season of my life. So here it is: I miss sitting in a coffee shop, reading and enjoying a good book or conversation. I miss games nights/get-togethers with friends. I miss "craft time". I miss movie/date night. I miss Taiwan style hair washes. I miss being able to sit for a whole meal. I miss earning money to live on. I miss being free to do lots of ministry. I miss running. I miss having two hands to type. I miss having a moment to think. I miss having extended prayer/Bible/journaling times. I miss having the option of sleeping in if I'm sick or tired. I miss hiking monkey mountain. I miss going in Taiwanese stationary stores. I miss being able to cook something if I wanted to without putting small peoples' lives in danger. I miss spending more than 5 minutes getting ready. I miss handwriting letters to family or friends. I miss having free hands to serve others. I miss getting around town on my scooter. I miss night markets. I miss studying Chinese. I miss sitting through a church service. I miss holding my husband's hand. I miss getting a good night's sleep. I miss feeling successful in my life. I miss being able to be spontaneous. I miss carrying just a small purse. I miss reading. Ok, I'm sure there's more, but that's enough for now. Once again, I don't say this to complain, but I'm sure all the parents out there can relate and I'm sure all those who are not parents can learn more about what it's like to be one. And now that I've gotten that all out I do feel better! I know it's just a season. Though it may be a very long season indeed. Until then, see you sporadically! (shameless Clueless reference)

things that are hard

Living in the hospital is hard. Having a Taiwanese mother-in-law is hard. Answering people when they ask why my son walks so strangely is hard. Getting a kid to bed when you can't leave him unattended and he doesn't want to sleep is hard. Answering people when they ask, "So is Caleb better now?" is hard. Not being able to take your son to crowded places when you live in a crowded city is hard. Having a kid with low platelets who often falls and hits his head is hard. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" James 1:2-3 I have a new and profound admiration for parents of children with chronic illnesses or disabilities that cause the parents to be isolated from society. I don't know what the road ahead holds with Caleb, but I know he is in God's hands. God is the only one who understands what's going on with Caleb and the only one who knows what He needs. Thank you for those who prayed for Caleb's bone marrow biopsy--it went very smoothly. Caleb was laughing like a little drunkard as he fell into unconsciousness, and less than ten minutes later they were done. They found that his body is not producing enough platelets, but it's a mystery because usually in that case the body would not be producing red and white blood cells either, while Caleb's are normal. If you have any leads or know anyone with a similar situation please leave me a comment! -paula

a thankful heart is a happy heart

Well, our time here in the US is winding down. I can't believe it's been over six months. Isaac was just a helpless little baby when we got here and now he's doing all kinds of new tricks, and close to walking! Caleb was a mess when we got here and we didn't have a clue what was going on with him. Well, we still don't know for sure, but we have more of an idea. So much has happened. Caleb turned 2 and has started trying to say words, family members and friends have had birthdays, family members have been sick and gotten well again, and God has taught me so much. It will be hard leaving in 48 hours, but I'm trying to focus on what I'm thankful for. Here's a list to get started 1. having a home to live in and car to use during our time here (thanks, mom and dad) 2. being able to do life with family for a period of time 3. being near family while going through the worst of Caleb's medical trauma 4. most of Caleb's scary tests coming back negative 5. spending the 4th of july, halloween, thanksgiving, and Christmas with family 6. catching up with good friends 7. eating [a few too many] delicious things 8. all the progress Caleb has made with his various therapies 9. receiving some helpful marital counseling 10. Isaac being able to learn how to crawl and stand while playing on carpeted floor 11. being here while family members faced various illnesses 12. being in God's school of healing and thankfulness 13. all the fun experiences our kids had here like pumpkin patches, pony rides, christmas cookie making and caroling, swim parties, cousin time, and beach time 14. joining mariners' church and watching our kids grow to love their classes there 15. having access to an efficient washer and dryer for half a year There's so much to be thankful for, but these are some of the biggies. Thanks for stopping by!

Happy 2013

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letting go of negativity

Can you be negative and positive at the same time? Can you hide behind the defenses of negativity and still be a positive person? I am in God's school of hope and healing and I am learning that I need to undo years of wrong thinking patterns that are holding me back from meeting my potential as a child of God. In the past I have been surprised when others have seen me as a negative person because I don't feel like I am a negative person. Inside I feel full of hope. Now I am seeing what is behind that. "Expect the worst and hope for the best." This has been a maxim for my life to help protect me from disappointment. In my old line of thinking I did hope for the best, but passively, just hoping that good things would come my way. If they didn't, I wasn't surprised, after all I expected the worst. This does WORK to some extent as a method for guarding the heart, but it sets up a false limit in our minds and our low expectations can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I am discovering that negativity is a self-protection method that I want to leave behind for the new year and beyond. It is more important now than ever, as we are hoping for my son's healing from a rare condition that he may have. My good friend gave me a book called The Mind to Heal by Doreen Lecheler. It is causing me to realize that if I am hoping for healing, my negative thinking (which leads to negative speaking) about his condition and my expecting the worst will hold us back from fully receiving God's healing. In other words, the expecting the worst is not a self-preservation method that is ultimately worth it. Instead, God asks me to lean fully into Him with fully abandoned hope, trusting the results to Him. He is the one who will protect my heart. So now I am on a negativity detox, from my mind and my words. I must not expect cancer or a short lifespan for my son. I must allow God to heal. I'm still learning, so please walk with me, my friend. "This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." Deuteronomy 30:19

GPT

You've heard of Pacific Standard Time or maybe Eastern Standard Time but I'm trying to learn how to operate in a different timezone: GPT. It stands for God's Perfect Timing. Turns out I haven't had much faith in it in the past. Our God often operates on a timetable that seems too late or last-minute to feel comfortable to me. I'm the kind of person who'd like to be five minutes early everywhere so I can have that extra margin of time "just incase." I seem to forget that God sees the whole picture and that it's impossible for Him to be too late for anything because He's the author of the story. So I'm trying to be humble and learn to trust. This is especially hard for me right now as I wait for my oldest son's diagnosis and prepare to move back to Taiwan with my husband and two sons. I don't feel ready to leave my family. So many services are just coming together for my son and he is making good progress. We don't know for sure what his diagnosis is or where he can receive treatment in Taiwan. Christmas and important family birthdays are just around the corner. I wish I could drag my feet or refuse to go, but instead I'm trying to trust. Trust that if it's really not the right time to go that God will make a way to stay. Trust that God can change my husband's heart as He sees fit. Trust that a diagnosis is not a death sentence. Trust that when I'm back in Taiwan and homesick that God will be with me each step of the way. Trust that comfort and joy aren't just for the Christmas season. Trust that God knows what my son needs. Trust in His unfailing Love. Trust in God's Perfect Timing.

Comfort and Joy

I was going to name this post something more dismal like "sadness" but then at church this morning I received God's comfort through his Word and that seemed somehow more uplifting. I just wanted to express that even though what I said in my last post was true--that I am choosing hope and joy through thankfulness--still, I am sad. Can a person be sad and joyful at the same time? Yes. We can feel sorrow or grief in our life and yet have the all-sustaining peace and Joy of the Lord as an anchor for our soul. So I just wanted to say that I'm sad. I'm sad that my son may not live past his teenage years and may not have the kind of life I would imagine for him. Even though I trust God, I am sad right now. Even though I don't know for sure his diagnosis or prognosis, I am sad right now. It's a grief that I imagine will be lurking around unless God chooses to miraculously heal my son. I still don't understand everything that's going on medically because the doctors don't want to say too much until there's been further testing. But I've read the google explanations and the parents' stories, so at this point the doctors' vague answers are not really helping. I do believe God can heal Caleb, but I don't know if he will choose to do so or not. Right now I am making the choice to believe that no matter what happens, God is Good and I will praise Him. He walks with us and that brings Comfort and Joy. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." If I didn't admit I was sad, I wouldn't be able to receive His great comfort. And man, how I needed that this morning. 'Tis the season--of Comfort and Joy!