letting go of negativity

Can you be negative and positive at the same time? Can you hide behind the defenses of negativity and still be a positive person? I am in God's school of hope and healing and I am learning that I need to undo years of wrong thinking patterns that are holding me back from meeting my potential as a child of God. In the past I have been surprised when others have seen me as a negative person because I don't feel like I am a negative person. Inside I feel full of hope. Now I am seeing what is behind that. "Expect the worst and hope for the best." This has been a maxim for my life to help protect me from disappointment. In my old line of thinking I did hope for the best, but passively, just hoping that good things would come my way. If they didn't, I wasn't surprised, after all I expected the worst. This does WORK to some extent as a method for guarding the heart, but it sets up a false limit in our minds and our low expectations can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I am discovering that negativity is a self-protection method that I want to leave behind for the new year and beyond. It is more important now than ever, as we are hoping for my son's healing from a rare condition that he may have. My good friend gave me a book called The Mind to Heal by Doreen Lecheler. It is causing me to realize that if I am hoping for healing, my negative thinking (which leads to negative speaking) about his condition and my expecting the worst will hold us back from fully receiving God's healing. In other words, the expecting the worst is not a self-preservation method that is ultimately worth it. Instead, God asks me to lean fully into Him with fully abandoned hope, trusting the results to Him. He is the one who will protect my heart. So now I am on a negativity detox, from my mind and my words. I must not expect cancer or a short lifespan for my son. I must allow God to heal. I'm still learning, so please walk with me, my friend. "This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." Deuteronomy 30:19

GPT

You've heard of Pacific Standard Time or maybe Eastern Standard Time but I'm trying to learn how to operate in a different timezone: GPT. It stands for God's Perfect Timing. Turns out I haven't had much faith in it in the past. Our God often operates on a timetable that seems too late or last-minute to feel comfortable to me. I'm the kind of person who'd like to be five minutes early everywhere so I can have that extra margin of time "just incase." I seem to forget that God sees the whole picture and that it's impossible for Him to be too late for anything because He's the author of the story. So I'm trying to be humble and learn to trust. This is especially hard for me right now as I wait for my oldest son's diagnosis and prepare to move back to Taiwan with my husband and two sons. I don't feel ready to leave my family. So many services are just coming together for my son and he is making good progress. We don't know for sure what his diagnosis is or where he can receive treatment in Taiwan. Christmas and important family birthdays are just around the corner. I wish I could drag my feet or refuse to go, but instead I'm trying to trust. Trust that if it's really not the right time to go that God will make a way to stay. Trust that God can change my husband's heart as He sees fit. Trust that a diagnosis is not a death sentence. Trust that when I'm back in Taiwan and homesick that God will be with me each step of the way. Trust that comfort and joy aren't just for the Christmas season. Trust that God knows what my son needs. Trust in His unfailing Love. Trust in God's Perfect Timing.

Comfort and Joy

I was going to name this post something more dismal like "sadness" but then at church this morning I received God's comfort through his Word and that seemed somehow more uplifting. I just wanted to express that even though what I said in my last post was true--that I am choosing hope and joy through thankfulness--still, I am sad. Can a person be sad and joyful at the same time? Yes. We can feel sorrow or grief in our life and yet have the all-sustaining peace and Joy of the Lord as an anchor for our soul. So I just wanted to say that I'm sad. I'm sad that my son may not live past his teenage years and may not have the kind of life I would imagine for him. Even though I trust God, I am sad right now. Even though I don't know for sure his diagnosis or prognosis, I am sad right now. It's a grief that I imagine will be lurking around unless God chooses to miraculously heal my son. I still don't understand everything that's going on medically because the doctors don't want to say too much until there's been further testing. But I've read the google explanations and the parents' stories, so at this point the doctors' vague answers are not really helping. I do believe God can heal Caleb, but I don't know if he will choose to do so or not. Right now I am making the choice to believe that no matter what happens, God is Good and I will praise Him. He walks with us and that brings Comfort and Joy. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." If I didn't admit I was sad, I wouldn't be able to receive His great comfort. And man, how I needed that this morning. 'Tis the season--of Comfort and Joy!

giving thanks anyways

Well, we learned more about Caleb's situation just before Thanksgiving this year. The doctor called to tell us the results of yet more tests that they did on my son recently. I just expected her to say that they all came back negative again. Only she didn't. They found something. This excited me because I want desperately to be able to explain why my kid is not healthy and has so many delays. However, after the initial excitement of finding out that my son has "shortened telomeres," I soon discovered that that's pretty bad news. I want to say really bad news but I must not forget that God is in control and that this "news" didn't surprise him, so how bad can news really be? I trust Him. So what are shortened telomeres, you ask? Good question! I'm trying to research it but I'm still about as clear as mud on all of it. My Taiwanese friend said it's like the plastic tips at the end of shoelaces, protecting the DNA from breaking down. As we age our telomeres shorten naturally, but you wouldn't expect to see them shortened in a two year old. Medically speaking it means a shortened life expectancy and a high risk for cancers. I say medically speaking because my God is the great physician and nothing that is written on google or in my doctor's handbooks is written in stone for the life of my little boy. I trust Him. Well, now that we know he has shortened telomeres, now what? Now the doctors are seeking approval from insurance to do further genetic testing based on this new information. I hate to even write it but the disorder that would most closely match his symptoms is called Dyskeratosis Congenita. I don't want to go into all the details here but it's a grim prognosis to say the least. Please Lord, no! And yet I know that if that's what it is He will walk with me through it. I trust Him. People say that being thankful is a choice and that choosing gratitude brings Joy. It all sounds cliche until you're dealing with a bunch of bad news the week of Thanksgiving. But it's true. I can choose joy by focusing on what I'm thankful for, and right at the top of my list is: each and every day with my sweet boys. As parents we never know how much time we will have to enjoy our children here on this earth, whether they come with a diagnosis or not. So I choose to cherish each day and I choose to have a grateful heart. After all, I trust Him.

progress

Thank you for your positive feedback on my last post. I just wanted to say that in these past few weeks we've been seeing a lot of progress with Caleb. In every area. He's grown physically, his blood counts are up, and he's making improvements with gross/fine motor and speech. The therapists who did his original evaluation say that he looks like a totally different kid. Not to say that he's entirely healed or caught up to other kids his age, but when he is making progress it is much more encouraging to this mama's heart. Usually as parents we get the gift of seeing our kids grow and change right before our eyes, but for a while Caleb had been stunted. He didn't grow. He didn't develop. He didn't learn any new tricks. That was hard to watch. However, it is equally wonderful to see him progress. In the past month he has grown a little taller, learned to walk much better, actually cleared the ground on his jumping attempts, and started trying to say words, for starters. He still looks funny when he walks, and he still mostly makes vowel sounds when he talks, but that doesn't stop me from being incredibly proud of his accomplishments. He FINALLY will try to repeat words that you say to him (just new in this past week). It's the funnest game for me--Caleb, say mama: "Aaah!" Say dada "Aaah!" Say Papa: "Aaaah!" He's even eating better, though he usually only eats well at about one meal a day. Low appetite, but when he wants to he can feed himself well with a spoon or fork. Or his new favorite: picking up a bean burrito and biting it from the middle. He is such a clever boy, and when he wants to be he can be incredibly affectionate which just sweeps me off my feet. I love the sly smile he gets when he has a good [or bad] idea or just before he kisses someone. I love watching him sweep and rake with Papa (my dad) and do anything else he sees Papa doing. I love how enthusiastic he is about helping with laundry or dishes. I love that he has grown to love his little brother. Every day I can't believe how truly blessed I am to have him as my son. And God is definitely using him to stretch our faith and to bless his grandparents! Thank you, Lord.

special needs

I guess nobody ever envisions themselves becoming the parent of a special needs child. When I was still in Taiwan and starting to notice the signs that my little boy was 'special,' many people tried to comfort and reassure me that he was probably just on his own timeline--nothing to worry about. I know those people were trying to comfort me and help me not worry too much, as mommies tend to do. However, it made it all the more shocking when it turned out that my fiercely loved elder son is indeed delayed in many areas. "Global delays," is what they called it, to indicate that he is delayed in about every area. Since that initial shock I have been doing a lot of thinking about what this means. Well, only in a general sense because after these first few months of knowing something is wrong, we still don't have a real diagnosis for my son. It appears his delays probably stem from a medical condition that is very enigmatic in nature. Our doctors have run so many tests and still haven't found a lead. Apart from the medical problems, I've been thinking about the paradox of how we as humans desperately want to be special, yet mostly all want to be normal at the same time. We especially want our kids to be normal, which is why I believe so many people persuaded me that my son was 'perfectly normal.' But as it turns out, now that I know he has special needs, do I love him any less? Not a smidgen. Do I think he's any less smart or clever? Not at all. Is his value as a person in any way undermined? Not in the least. So why do we worry so much about making sure our kids are normal. I've come to embrace the special, because that's what my little boy is. And he is SO special to me--words can't describe. I love him more and more each day as we discover each other and as I get to watch him discover the world. He is a really sweet and creative boy. One of the hardest things with all that's going on has been accepting that for now--maybe for long term even--I don't get to know what's going on in that little body of his. God knows. If He intended for me to know, I would know. I have to rest in that and be okay in that. God created my little Caleb and he knows and loves him oh so much more than I do. And He has great plans for Caleb. Plans He made with Caleb in mind. Plans that will not be thwarted by developmental delays or low platelets. Caleb is special, my special little boy. And I cherish him.

Isaac's Dedication

Well, yesterday we dedicated our baby Isaac Joshua to the Lord. Here is the blessing I read to him, though I forgot to have it translated into Chinese. Oops. Dear Isaac Joshua, The name Isaac means laughter and it is our prayer that you will bring smiles, laughter and the Joy of the Lord with you wherever you go. Already you have brought so much Joy to our family, and your sweet smiles and giggles are a huge blessing to us. God hand-picked you for our family and hand-picked our family for you. You and your brother Caleb share the same middle name, Joshua, and we pray that you will grow to become good friends and men of great Faith. Isaac, you are a strong, easygoing and friendly baby. We can’t wait to see how God will use your life. We will do our best to teach you to love God and follow his ways. We love you with all of our hearts, Your Mom and Dad Our dedication was to take place right after worship and we pulled up to church just in time. Not in time, however, to change Isaac's poop explosion that he decided to create in the car. Or his milk barf. Just a little something extra for the dedication. The funny thing is that Caleb also had a poop explosion just before his baby dedication. Good thing I've learned to bring an extra outfit. Always an adventure! We love you Baby Isaac