As some of you know, I have given up facebook in preparation for Easter. It's not because I'm super holy or anything like that, I just wanted to spend more time with God, reflecting on the cross. Easter becomes so much more meaningful when we prepare our hearts for it! Anyways, I have had limited success with using my time more wisely, but being off facebook has been freeing in a few unexpected ways. First of all, I realized that I was running to facebook for affirmation instead of turning to God. Ultimately the praises of others are not satisfying, but finding our worth in Christ is. Also, although I miss being in touch with people, I had become so addicted to facebook that I wanted to know what was going on with everybody all the time. It created this artificial sense of friendship which has filled a void created by being home a lot with Caleb. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being at home with Caleb, but I am not an island--I am part of the body of Christ and I need to be with others as well. When that part of me feels fulfilled by facebook I don't do as good of a job reaching out to others around me. I don't think facebook is evil. I think it serves a purpose, especially since I am far from many loved ones, but I had given it too much importance in my life and that needed to be dealt with.
That said, I have been thinking and God has been working in me. He has been healing some unhealthy stuff in me and bringing up other stuff we still need to work on. (His work is never finished!) The other day I was with Caleb at the park and it was afternoon so many grandparents were out with their grandchildren. In Taiwanese society grandparents often raise the kids while parents work. My mother-in-law would like to have it that way too, but there's no way I'm giving up the chance to raise my amazing son. Well I was sitting there and a though popped into my head as thoughts sometimes do. I though, "Why don't I share the gospel more?" I remember talking with my family about all the things I love about Taiwan. One was that people are often open to hearing about Jesus. It is hard for them to make the decision to become a Christian, but they are usually open to discussing Jesus or even coming to a Bible study. However, I have become so super-focused on being a mom that I have let this part of my life go. I think to a point, that super-focus is given to moms by God. It helps us deal with the huge life change of becoming a mom and to take our responsibility seriously. It helps to ensure the survival of our little ones. On the other hand, in all things we need balance, right?
I often get overwhelmed with the idea of sharing the gospel. I think, if I open myself up to the Holy Spirit's leading, I will be sharing the gospel all day every day and never get a break. Also it scares me because I am timid by nature. So I ignore this part of my calling. I wasn't always this way. When I first came to Taiwan I saw sharing the gospel as a large part of my purpose for being here so I did it enthusiastically. However, the longer I have stayed and the more I understand the culture, the more monumental the obstacles seem. I know that it is extremely difficult for a person to go against their family's wishes and become a Christian. I know that Satan has used cults to create much confusion about Christianity. I know that it is easy for a person to want to add Jesus into their religious conglomerate of beliefs without understanding that He must be our one and only. So at some point I stopped sharing. I stopped wanting to share. I lost my passion.
Along with the thought, "Why don't I share the gospel more," another thought popped into my brain. "What if I did an experiment where I shared the gospel every day for 40 days and I just see what happens." I have kept thinking of this challenge sine that day. I have a few problems with it. First, it seems like it is making light of a very serious matter. Second, it seems like it is taking into my own hands a work that should be led by the Holy Spirit. Those thoughts seem rational. Until I think further. Jesus gave us the great commission. It is part of our work as Christians to share the gospel. If I shared the gospel once a day it would be pretty much a 100% increase from what I'm doing now. What's the worst that could happen? 40 rejections? So what? Also, just because I do this 40 day experiment, it doesn't mean I am limited. I have in mind to use the 40 days after Easter, in accordance with how many days the resurrected Lord walked the earth. But that doesn't mean I can't start practicing now. And it doesn't mean I can only share once a day. And it doesn't mean I stop after 40 days. You know what I mean? I mean the way of doing it doesn't sound very spiritual, but it is a good thing to do and in theory I would hope it would help me to rebuild the habit of sharing the gospel into my life. I have heard it said that when Jesus said "Go into all the world," it could be translated "as you go." We are to share the gospel as we go about our daily lives. Right now I am not doing that. Besides, many people are drawn to talking to me because of my adorable baby. How threatening can I be with Caleb strapped to me?
So I think I'm going to do it. I'll keep you posted, but I can't think of a real reason not to. And now, telling you about it will help solidify my commitment. I want to get a few tools ready (evangecube, wordless book, etc.). Tell me if you have any other great ones. If I indeed follow through I will try to be faithful to posting results here, but I am really bad at blogging so no promises. But if anything exciting happens I'll be sure to let you know. Please join me in prayer if you think of it!
-paula
Monday, April 11, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
failure
So it turns out I am a total failure at this blog thing. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I am going to--as some wise person put on their facebook status--lower my standards and be awesome! If you can't handle this kind of awesomeness then get out of my blog! Haha.
But really, I've been thinking about failure lately. When Caleb was born and I was trying to learn how to feed him (and help him unlearn what the hospital nurses had taught him) I was spending many frustrating hours either nursing or pumping and with little success. Around that time, my mom gave me an ipod. This quickly made my nursing times much more entertaining and relaxing. I watched funny videos on youtube to cheer myself up. And somehow or other I got addicted to failblog. At that time on their site they posted the motto: making you feel better about yourself every day--or something like that. Since then they have removed that motto, but I still look at failblog (the clean stuff) every once in a while for that very reason. There's something about watching idiots try something stupid and land on their faces that makes me feel better about myself. Sad, I know, but what can I say. By God's grace, and through the support of others I have been able to nurse Caleb successfully for 8 months now and it has been a wonderful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. But now that he is moving into the "solids" territory I am feeling like a failure again because nursing became so convenient and I can't seem to get in the habit of making and taking baby food every day. Pray for me!
Anyways, I have a tendency to label myself a failure at the first sign of trouble. I don't know where it comes from. Josh always tells me I'm a winner for even having been born--he's a bit more optimistic than I am! But God is showing me something new.
Here's the truth: sometimes I fail. Sometimes I am a 'failure.' But that's not the point. When I am focused on myself and beating myself up it means I am not focused on God and His great, unconditional love for me. That means I am missing the point of my life. Sometimes I know I talk about how sucky I am because I crave hearing people say that I am not sucky. I get into this problem with my husband a lot because he will not play along. Here's the good news: it's okay for me to be sucky. I don't need people to tell me that I am not sucky or not a failure. In fact, I probably am a big sucky failure. But God loves me. So if you hear me talking about how terrible I am at this or that, please don't give in and correct me. Just tell me that Jesus loves me and let it be.
I have decided to make this my "life verse."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
歌 林 多 後 書 12:9-10
9 他 對 我 說 ： 我 的 恩 典 夠 你 用 的 ， 因 為 我 的 能 力 是 在 人 的 軟 弱 上 顯 得 完 全 。 所 以 ， 我 更 喜 歡 誇 自 己 的 軟 弱 ， 好 叫 基 督 的 能 力 覆 庇 我 。
10 我 為 基 督 的 緣 故 ， 就 以 軟 弱 、 凌 辱 、 急 難 、 逼 迫 、 困 苦 為 可 喜 樂 的 ； 因 我 甚 麼 時 候 軟 弱 ， 甚 麼 時 候 就 剛 強 了 。
But really, I've been thinking about failure lately. When Caleb was born and I was trying to learn how to feed him (and help him unlearn what the hospital nurses had taught him) I was spending many frustrating hours either nursing or pumping and with little success. Around that time, my mom gave me an ipod. This quickly made my nursing times much more entertaining and relaxing. I watched funny videos on youtube to cheer myself up. And somehow or other I got addicted to failblog. At that time on their site they posted the motto: making you feel better about yourself every day--or something like that. Since then they have removed that motto, but I still look at failblog (the clean stuff) every once in a while for that very reason. There's something about watching idiots try something stupid and land on their faces that makes me feel better about myself. Sad, I know, but what can I say. By God's grace, and through the support of others I have been able to nurse Caleb successfully for 8 months now and it has been a wonderful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. But now that he is moving into the "solids" territory I am feeling like a failure again because nursing became so convenient and I can't seem to get in the habit of making and taking baby food every day. Pray for me!
Anyways, I have a tendency to label myself a failure at the first sign of trouble. I don't know where it comes from. Josh always tells me I'm a winner for even having been born--he's a bit more optimistic than I am! But God is showing me something new.
Here's the truth: sometimes I fail. Sometimes I am a 'failure.' But that's not the point. When I am focused on myself and beating myself up it means I am not focused on God and His great, unconditional love for me. That means I am missing the point of my life. Sometimes I know I talk about how sucky I am because I crave hearing people say that I am not sucky. I get into this problem with my husband a lot because he will not play along. Here's the good news: it's okay for me to be sucky. I don't need people to tell me that I am not sucky or not a failure. In fact, I probably am a big sucky failure. But God loves me. So if you hear me talking about how terrible I am at this or that, please don't give in and correct me. Just tell me that Jesus loves me and let it be.
I have decided to make this my "life verse."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
歌 林 多 後 書 12:9-10
9 他 對 我 說 ： 我 的 恩 典 夠 你 用 的 ， 因 為 我 的 能 力 是 在 人 的 軟 弱 上 顯 得 完 全 。 所 以 ， 我 更 喜 歡 誇 自 己 的 軟 弱 ， 好 叫 基 督 的 能 力 覆 庇 我 。
10 我 為 基 督 的 緣 故 ， 就 以 軟 弱 、 凌 辱 、 急 難 、 逼 迫 、 困 苦 為 可 喜 樂 的 ； 因 我 甚 麼 時 候 軟 弱 ， 甚 麼 時 候 就 剛 強 了 。
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
addendum to last post
Hey everyone, thanks for the support and feedback from my last post. Two things to add in:
#1 I greatly value all of your advice and suggestions, especially stories of what worked or didn't work for you. It's the pushy advice that I don't like. All of the books are pushy, basically saying that if you don't do it their way you are an idiot. And some people I meet are pushy. And a certain family member on Josh's side is VERY pushy. It's the pushiness I don't like. I like advice.
#2 I have some time off the kindergarten I teach in the mornings so I am going to try to get C on a more predictable schedule. So far, day 3, it's already going well. He is already on a routine, but it's just tightening up the time frames to within an hour and getting him to bed earlier that will make a big difference. It requires a bit of discipline on my part, but let's face it. I have to grow up sometime. I will report back to you how it is going soon.
Thanks for the prayers. I feel them and I feel loved!
#1 I greatly value all of your advice and suggestions, especially stories of what worked or didn't work for you. It's the pushy advice that I don't like. All of the books are pushy, basically saying that if you don't do it their way you are an idiot. And some people I meet are pushy. And a certain family member on Josh's side is VERY pushy. It's the pushiness I don't like. I like advice.
#2 I have some time off the kindergarten I teach in the mornings so I am going to try to get C on a more predictable schedule. So far, day 3, it's already going well. He is already on a routine, but it's just tightening up the time frames to within an hour and getting him to bed earlier that will make a big difference. It requires a bit of discipline on my part, but let's face it. I have to grow up sometime. I will report back to you how it is going soon.
Thanks for the prayers. I feel them and I feel loved!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
parenting continued
Dear anyone who reads my blog,
It's an exciting moment for me--I actually got Caleb to sleep before 10 (more difficult than it sounds) and now I am writing on my blog and less than a month has passed since my last entry. Hopefully this is me turning over a new leaf--and Caleb too. In my last post I wrote about the gloriousness of motherhood and I am still on a mommy's high, but I also felt that I should talk about the other side of parenting--the tough stuff. I feel the difficult side of parenting is highlighted much more often than the pleasures, but they shouldn't be ignored either. You've heard the good, now the bad and the ugly:
Okay, so no big surprises here--parenting is hard. For me, one of the hardest things has been believing in myself. I call it "momfidence," or trusting my motherly instincts. Fortunately I have had some wise friends to encourage me in this area, but as a person who generally lacks confidence anyways, it has been hard to muster enough momfidence to stand up to everybody and their mother who has a strong opinion to offer me. You may have heard of the five love languages. I think they need to come out with a new edition: The Five Love Languages of Asia. Let's see--there's smothering, making sacrifices that nobody asked you to make, food, criticism, and of course: OFFERING UNWANTED ADVICE. The latter has been apparent to me since moving to Asia, but never more than when I was pregnant or (now) gave birth. Even non-Asians have a lot of advice to offer when you become a parent, and I am not innocent. I offer advice to my new mom friends too. However, it can be OVERWHELMING for a new mom. There's your husband's opinion, your doctor's opinion, your family members' opinions, your church members' opinions, friends' opinions, the opinions of the books you read, and--my favorite--any Joe Schmoe off the street's opinion. I have received advice from the guard in our building, people sitting next to me on the MRT, workers in the department store, a young guy exercising at the park, and I could go on. The problem is that I really want to be a good mom. So I read all the books. All the books with differing opinions. All the books that tell me I'm a terrible parent if I do this or don't do that. All the books that made me want to SCREAM!
But some wise friends told me that God chose me to be Caleb's mom. Some wise friends told me to enjoy the moments as they pass. Some wise friends told me to listen to that still small voice that's telling ME what's right for me and MY kid at the moment. And so, at times, I have been able to relax and trust and enjoy. But there are other loud voices telling me all the time that I'm doing it all wrong. I can be critical of myself so sometimes my own voice is the loudest. One of the hardest things about being a parent is drowning those voices out.
Next on the list: scheduling. Despite reading all those books I have not successfully gotten Caleb on a real schedule. I like to be flexible. Or so I say. I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of--the hard work I believe scheduling will be or the risk of failure. So we have general patterns of life, but no schedule. At times I feel proud of myself for this. My kid is flexible. I am able to go out with him at many different times of the day. I don't have a to lay out a strict regimen for babysitters. He is able to fall asleep outside, etc. At other times I worry if I'm ruining him for life, if he's really getting enough sleep, if not having a schedule will make him anxious or maladjusted in some other way...And then, to be totally honest, I have my own problems with it. When Caleb takes a nap I never know how long I will have. He tends to cat nap--30 minutes here and there, which one of the books told me is horrible and unacceptable. (However since he's a happy and healthy boy I decided to ignore that book.) So when he finally does fall asleep (he resists it) I jump on my long to-do list or just try to get in a meal and I sometimes have a rush of anxiety. Because I don't know how much time I have I find it difficult to prioritize what to do next. I've also found cooking nearly impossible because I am slow at cooking and I can't very well get halfway through cooking a meal and just leave it.
Which brings up another difficult issue--mother in law. She loves us and she loves Caleb. But she has a much stronger personality than me, and she overpowers me. I have given up having a career at this time in order to be a mom and homemaker. However, I am starting out at level zero as a homemaker and I find it completely overwhelming most of the time. So my mother in law pushing me out of the way and doing it herself is not helping me learn or develop good habits. It also prevents Josh from really needing to pitch in. I know she loves us. I am praying to love her as well. That's all I'll say about this for now.
Next problem: getting Caleb to sleep! Okay, I admit it. Caleb and I have developed some bad habits. I read the books that tell you you're a terrible parent if you ever rock your kids to sleep. It's worse than that. I NURSE him to sleep. I know, I know. According to the books I'm going to mommy-hell in a hand basket. However, a woman I respect as a mother and nurse told me to enjoy rocking and nursing my baby to sleep because the time period when they allow you to do that is so short. And I don't mind. So it seems ideal, right? Sometimes it is. He's tired. I nurse him. He sleeps. We put him in the crib. He stays asleep longer for being full.
Well, that's how it started anyways. Now we rarely have nights like that because as soon as he senses that I'm gone, he cries. I know, I know I'm doing everything wrong by making him dependent on me to sleep and not letting him learn how to figure out how to fall asleep by himself. Don't judge. I tried letting him "cry it out" a couple of times and it seemed like a worse alternative than giving up my evening "free time." (By free time I mean time to wash dishes, put away laundry, and spend time with my husband.) So now we're a little bit stuck. Trying to figure out what works for our family without making anyone crazy in the process. I have heard that bedtime routines work for some people but I have been hesitant to try them because of my fear of scheduling. Sometimes we get home late and I need to get him to sleep as soon as possible. I don't want to have to go through a routine. My fear may be irrational, I know. I'm working through it. Pray for me. Pray for us.
Okay, the final difficult thing to deal with is another cultural thing. In Chinese there is this concept for babies and children of "guai/ bu guai," which roughly translates to obedient or disobedient. If a baby cries too much or is too hard to console, they are deemed "bu guai." To Westerners, a baby is not 'disobedient.' A baby is a baby and we do what we can to help them not cry, and try not to worry about it too much if they do. This has been a bit of a difficult issue for me. Nobody likes to hear that their child is disobedient, but when it's a baby it is even more difficult to take. I know no harm is meant, but I have to admit it; I take it a bit personally. Working through this as well--prayers appreciated.
Okay, there you have it--my struggles as a new mom. Not included was my struggle with breastfeeding, which was very difficult for the first month or so. Now it is a dream and I'm so glad we persevered. And I think most of my church friends now know what I'm doing when they see the nursing cover on. (Most of them had never seen a woman nurse with a cover and would ask if they could see the baby underneath the cover--ummm, not right now...) Praise God for allowing me to feed my baby--what a blessing!
Love to all who read my blog!
-p
It's an exciting moment for me--I actually got Caleb to sleep before 10 (more difficult than it sounds) and now I am writing on my blog and less than a month has passed since my last entry. Hopefully this is me turning over a new leaf--and Caleb too. In my last post I wrote about the gloriousness of motherhood and I am still on a mommy's high, but I also felt that I should talk about the other side of parenting--the tough stuff. I feel the difficult side of parenting is highlighted much more often than the pleasures, but they shouldn't be ignored either. You've heard the good, now the bad and the ugly:
Okay, so no big surprises here--parenting is hard. For me, one of the hardest things has been believing in myself. I call it "momfidence," or trusting my motherly instincts. Fortunately I have had some wise friends to encourage me in this area, but as a person who generally lacks confidence anyways, it has been hard to muster enough momfidence to stand up to everybody and their mother who has a strong opinion to offer me. You may have heard of the five love languages. I think they need to come out with a new edition: The Five Love Languages of Asia. Let's see--there's smothering, making sacrifices that nobody asked you to make, food, criticism, and of course: OFFERING UNWANTED ADVICE. The latter has been apparent to me since moving to Asia, but never more than when I was pregnant or (now) gave birth. Even non-Asians have a lot of advice to offer when you become a parent, and I am not innocent. I offer advice to my new mom friends too. However, it can be OVERWHELMING for a new mom. There's your husband's opinion, your doctor's opinion, your family members' opinions, your church members' opinions, friends' opinions, the opinions of the books you read, and--my favorite--any Joe Schmoe off the street's opinion. I have received advice from the guard in our building, people sitting next to me on the MRT, workers in the department store, a young guy exercising at the park, and I could go on. The problem is that I really want to be a good mom. So I read all the books. All the books with differing opinions. All the books that tell me I'm a terrible parent if I do this or don't do that. All the books that made me want to SCREAM!
But some wise friends told me that God chose me to be Caleb's mom. Some wise friends told me to enjoy the moments as they pass. Some wise friends told me to listen to that still small voice that's telling ME what's right for me and MY kid at the moment. And so, at times, I have been able to relax and trust and enjoy. But there are other loud voices telling me all the time that I'm doing it all wrong. I can be critical of myself so sometimes my own voice is the loudest. One of the hardest things about being a parent is drowning those voices out.
Next on the list: scheduling. Despite reading all those books I have not successfully gotten Caleb on a real schedule. I like to be flexible. Or so I say. I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of--the hard work I believe scheduling will be or the risk of failure. So we have general patterns of life, but no schedule. At times I feel proud of myself for this. My kid is flexible. I am able to go out with him at many different times of the day. I don't have a to lay out a strict regimen for babysitters. He is able to fall asleep outside, etc. At other times I worry if I'm ruining him for life, if he's really getting enough sleep, if not having a schedule will make him anxious or maladjusted in some other way...And then, to be totally honest, I have my own problems with it. When Caleb takes a nap I never know how long I will have. He tends to cat nap--30 minutes here and there, which one of the books told me is horrible and unacceptable. (However since he's a happy and healthy boy I decided to ignore that book.) So when he finally does fall asleep (he resists it) I jump on my long to-do list or just try to get in a meal and I sometimes have a rush of anxiety. Because I don't know how much time I have I find it difficult to prioritize what to do next. I've also found cooking nearly impossible because I am slow at cooking and I can't very well get halfway through cooking a meal and just leave it.
Which brings up another difficult issue--mother in law. She loves us and she loves Caleb. But she has a much stronger personality than me, and she overpowers me. I have given up having a career at this time in order to be a mom and homemaker. However, I am starting out at level zero as a homemaker and I find it completely overwhelming most of the time. So my mother in law pushing me out of the way and doing it herself is not helping me learn or develop good habits. It also prevents Josh from really needing to pitch in. I know she loves us. I am praying to love her as well. That's all I'll say about this for now.
Next problem: getting Caleb to sleep! Okay, I admit it. Caleb and I have developed some bad habits. I read the books that tell you you're a terrible parent if you ever rock your kids to sleep. It's worse than that. I NURSE him to sleep. I know, I know. According to the books I'm going to mommy-hell in a hand basket. However, a woman I respect as a mother and nurse told me to enjoy rocking and nursing my baby to sleep because the time period when they allow you to do that is so short. And I don't mind. So it seems ideal, right? Sometimes it is. He's tired. I nurse him. He sleeps. We put him in the crib. He stays asleep longer for being full.
Well, that's how it started anyways. Now we rarely have nights like that because as soon as he senses that I'm gone, he cries. I know, I know I'm doing everything wrong by making him dependent on me to sleep and not letting him learn how to figure out how to fall asleep by himself. Don't judge. I tried letting him "cry it out" a couple of times and it seemed like a worse alternative than giving up my evening "free time." (By free time I mean time to wash dishes, put away laundry, and spend time with my husband.) So now we're a little bit stuck. Trying to figure out what works for our family without making anyone crazy in the process. I have heard that bedtime routines work for some people but I have been hesitant to try them because of my fear of scheduling. Sometimes we get home late and I need to get him to sleep as soon as possible. I don't want to have to go through a routine. My fear may be irrational, I know. I'm working through it. Pray for me. Pray for us.
Okay, the final difficult thing to deal with is another cultural thing. In Chinese there is this concept for babies and children of "guai/ bu guai," which roughly translates to obedient or disobedient. If a baby cries too much or is too hard to console, they are deemed "bu guai." To Westerners, a baby is not 'disobedient.' A baby is a baby and we do what we can to help them not cry, and try not to worry about it too much if they do. This has been a bit of a difficult issue for me. Nobody likes to hear that their child is disobedient, but when it's a baby it is even more difficult to take. I know no harm is meant, but I have to admit it; I take it a bit personally. Working through this as well--prayers appreciated.
Okay, there you have it--my struggles as a new mom. Not included was my struggle with breastfeeding, which was very difficult for the first month or so. Now it is a dream and I'm so glad we persevered. And I think most of my church friends now know what I'm doing when they see the nursing cover on. (Most of them had never seen a woman nurse with a cover and would ask if they could see the baby underneath the cover--ummm, not right now...) Praise God for allowing me to feed my baby--what a blessing!
Love to all who read my blog!
-p
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Goodbye 2010
A good year for life, a bad year for blogging...but hoping to change that in 2011. What a joy 2010 has been with the arrival of my firstborn son. I truly regret not journaling--blogging or otherwise--so I have made it a New Year's resolution to resume journaling--mostly on paper but occasionally here as well. I haven't written since I recorded my birth story so let me update you on the last {wonderful} five months of my life.
I was terrified of what would happen to my life after the baby was born. People had warned me that life would never be the same and I felt an impending doom looming over 'the rest of my life.' I knew that everything I knew was going to change, but what people didn't prepare me for, what I couldn't have known, was how amazingly JOYOUS and my life was about to become. I was so worried about losing my life that I forgot that biblical principle that when you lose your life, you actually find it. I was scared that I would go crazy changing diapers and caring for someone who couldn't say thank you, but I didn't understand that once I saw the face of my beloved son, changing a diaper wouldn't feel like a chore anymore. I would do anything for my little guy. I can honestly say that I'm learning so much about love through this child, and that I never knew love like this before. Not only is it my joy and privilege to take care of him, but I was wrong to think he couldn't say thank you. Sometimes when I'm feeding him, he looks up and gives me a goofy smile, and milk drips all down his cute little cheek. That is all the thank you I'll ever need. And if I didn't have that 'thank you,' it would still be my JOY to raise Caleb Joshua. It's all so worth it. I never knew.
As far as babies go, I believe we've been incredibly blessed as well. Caleb has a sweet little personality. His smiles, coos, and giggles light up my life like never before. I feel like I was made to be his mom (even though I'm not always convinced I'm doing my job very well.) It's so hard to describe, but from the moment he was born it's like God injected me with His LOVE IV and I have this pure love running through my very veins. We may not get as lucky with our next baby(ies) as far as the sweet personality, but I know that God will fill me with all the love I need for my future children, and I can't wait to see what that looks like!
A friend asked me if Caleb was taking the place of God in my life. I thought about it, but I answered no. Then I thought about it some more. I realized that loving and serving Caleb (and Josh) is the main job that God has given me right now, and that in doing these jobs to the best of my ability (weak though I am), I AM loving and serving God. I see the face of Jesus as I raise Caleb, and I understand God's love for me in a new and entirely different way than I had before. The love I have for Caleb blows me away. I told Josh at times it's so strong I feel like my heart is going to explode. He rolled his eyes at me because he thinks I'm SO WEIRD, which I am, but still, it's true. I've had to think about whether I am keeping Josh as #2 (just behind Jesus, of course). It's easy to love Caleb. As I said, it's in my veins. Loving a spouse is a differently wonderful kind of love and yet as those of us are married know, it becomes a daily choice to make. And some days are easier/harder than others. So I'm praying to keep my priorities straight, but the more I love and serve Caleb, the more Josh and I celebrate our relationship as well, and I love being in Josh's family. It's amazing how we were two people and now we are three. That may sound cliche, but it still boggles my mind.
Speaking of amazing, I'm constantly amazed that my body is now producing milk, and that the milk I make covers all of Caleb's nutritional needs. And that by drinking only that milk, he has now doubled his body weight. God is so good! Nursing was so difficult at first because we got off to a bad start, but I'm so grateful to my mom and the lactation expert who helped me stick with it--and to God, who has always provided just enough milk for each day. It started out painfullly, but now nursing as well is a true joy and I'm so glad that I was able to continue.
In our second year of marriage, I asked Josh what he thought love was. He said: 'sacrifice and enjoy.' I then continued to berate him and tell him what an idiot he was and that it made no sense at all. Now I understand. Now I know. It's another one of those biblical principles. When I truly sacrifice, I truly enjoy and the sacrifice doesn't feel like sacrifice. Sacrifice and enjoy. My new life.
Looking forward to more sacrificing and enjoying in 2011.
I was terrified of what would happen to my life after the baby was born. People had warned me that life would never be the same and I felt an impending doom looming over 'the rest of my life.' I knew that everything I knew was going to change, but what people didn't prepare me for, what I couldn't have known, was how amazingly JOYOUS and my life was about to become. I was so worried about losing my life that I forgot that biblical principle that when you lose your life, you actually find it. I was scared that I would go crazy changing diapers and caring for someone who couldn't say thank you, but I didn't understand that once I saw the face of my beloved son, changing a diaper wouldn't feel like a chore anymore. I would do anything for my little guy. I can honestly say that I'm learning so much about love through this child, and that I never knew love like this before. Not only is it my joy and privilege to take care of him, but I was wrong to think he couldn't say thank you. Sometimes when I'm feeding him, he looks up and gives me a goofy smile, and milk drips all down his cute little cheek. That is all the thank you I'll ever need. And if I didn't have that 'thank you,' it would still be my JOY to raise Caleb Joshua. It's all so worth it. I never knew.
As far as babies go, I believe we've been incredibly blessed as well. Caleb has a sweet little personality. His smiles, coos, and giggles light up my life like never before. I feel like I was made to be his mom (even though I'm not always convinced I'm doing my job very well.) It's so hard to describe, but from the moment he was born it's like God injected me with His LOVE IV and I have this pure love running through my very veins. We may not get as lucky with our next baby(ies) as far as the sweet personality, but I know that God will fill me with all the love I need for my future children, and I can't wait to see what that looks like!
A friend asked me if Caleb was taking the place of God in my life. I thought about it, but I answered no. Then I thought about it some more. I realized that loving and serving Caleb (and Josh) is the main job that God has given me right now, and that in doing these jobs to the best of my ability (weak though I am), I AM loving and serving God. I see the face of Jesus as I raise Caleb, and I understand God's love for me in a new and entirely different way than I had before. The love I have for Caleb blows me away. I told Josh at times it's so strong I feel like my heart is going to explode. He rolled his eyes at me because he thinks I'm SO WEIRD, which I am, but still, it's true. I've had to think about whether I am keeping Josh as #2 (just behind Jesus, of course). It's easy to love Caleb. As I said, it's in my veins. Loving a spouse is a differently wonderful kind of love and yet as those of us are married know, it becomes a daily choice to make. And some days are easier/harder than others. So I'm praying to keep my priorities straight, but the more I love and serve Caleb, the more Josh and I celebrate our relationship as well, and I love being in Josh's family. It's amazing how we were two people and now we are three. That may sound cliche, but it still boggles my mind.
Speaking of amazing, I'm constantly amazed that my body is now producing milk, and that the milk I make covers all of Caleb's nutritional needs. And that by drinking only that milk, he has now doubled his body weight. God is so good! Nursing was so difficult at first because we got off to a bad start, but I'm so grateful to my mom and the lactation expert who helped me stick with it--and to God, who has always provided just enough milk for each day. It started out painfullly, but now nursing as well is a true joy and I'm so glad that I was able to continue.
In our second year of marriage, I asked Josh what he thought love was. He said: 'sacrifice and enjoy.' I then continued to berate him and tell him what an idiot he was and that it made no sense at all. Now I understand. Now I know. It's another one of those biblical principles. When I truly sacrifice, I truly enjoy and the sacrifice doesn't feel like sacrifice. Sacrifice and enjoy. My new life.
Looking forward to more sacrificing and enjoying in 2011.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
My Birth Story
Here is my birth story for anyone interested:
My mom arrived in Taiwan on July 8th to make sure she would be here in plenty of time for the birth of her sixth grandchild. Well, she could have saved herself the trouble and come about three weeks later, but I was glad to have her company anyways. My due date of July 20th had come and gone by the time I went in on July 27th for yet another doctor's appointment and ultrasound. Our baby always hid during the ultrasounds, with his hands over his face, so there wasn't much to see either. My mom and I had been walking all around town, trying to make the baby come out. Josh was at the ready and always told me to call him if I had any "construction" (contractions). My doctor said that we would need to induce labor sometime in the next few days and told me to just come check myself in whenever I was ready. I wanted to let Kai-Jia come on his own, but I also wanted to get the show on the road and let grandma meet him while she was here! It seemed like a daunting responsibility to decide what day to have my baby. The next day (Wednesday the 28th) I was somewhat depressed. Still no baby. I decided to check myself in on the 29th to be induced, but I had hoped and prayed that the baby would come naturally. We tried watching Youtube videos about which pressure points to massage in order to get something started, but nothing was happening, and Caleb hadn't even 'dropped' yet.
My mom and I had nothing left on our to-do list except to ride the "duck bus," an amphibious bus that rides into Lotus Lake. My dad had suggested eating cheeseburgers to make the baby come and I was ready to try anything, so I had a cheeseburger for lunch. About that time I started feeling some cramping in my stomach, but I didn't want to get my hopes up that it could be labor, so I didn't say anything. My mom and I proceeded with our plans to ride the duck bus, but the pains were becoming more noticeable, so I asked her if it could be labor. She started timing them and we waited around for our turn on the duck bus. By the time we got on the bus, around 5pm, they were coming almost 5 minutes apart, but they still weren't that painful. We thought maybe I could give birth on the bus! But no action yet. I was partially worried that my water would break, but little did I know that wouldn't happen until much later. I got home and told Josh that the time had come--he was a little surprised! I took a shower, but the contractions were coming 2-3 minutes apart by then, so we decided I didn't have time to wash my hair. Still, it wasn't too painful yet. By the time we got in the car I couldn't talk during contractions, but I still felt okay. I was excited! We got to the hospital and I went to the labor room around 7pm, feeling pretty confident that the baby was coming fairly quickly, after all, my mom's first baby came after just 6 hours of labor. The nurses wanted to measure my contractions, but to do so I had to lay on a bed and let them monitor for 20 minutes. Well, laying on my back made the contractions WAY worse, so I turned onto my side. After 20 minutes the nurses came back and said that I would have to lay flat on my back and that they were starting over for another 20 minutes--NOT what I wanted to hear. I was already in a lot of pain and dreading each contraction. They started monitoring again, and by the time they were done I was in SERIOUS pain, so when they measured me and said that I was only one centimeter dilated, it was a HUGE disappointment. At that rate, I thought I'd never make it. They suggested that I go home--I couldn't believe it! They asked if I wanted to see the doctor and I said okay. My doctor said I should wait until midnight to check in. At the time I didn't understand that that was because of the way they charge for a whole 24 hours if you check in in the evening, but oh well. We sat in the waiting room trying to decide what to do and I was in so much pain with each contraction. The other pregnant ladies waiting for their appointments must have been watching me in horror as my mom and Josh tried to coach me to breathe. It was embarrassing, but I didn't know what else to do. Finally, I though let's just go to the 2nd floor (labor area) waiting area. Much better--many less people, but I was still dying. Finally, around 9pm I said I just wanted to check myself in, so I did.
The nurses prepped me for labor, but each time a contraction came, I could barely function. They hooked me up to a heart monitoring device to check on the baby. Since the cord was wrapped around his neck, it was hard for him to get enough oxygen when I was having a contraction. The nurses said I would have to breathe more deeply, and put me on oxygen, but I just wasn't able to breathe enough for both of us with how painful the contractions were, so around 10pm I asked for an epidural. No need to be a hero, I thought. The difference after getting the epidural was night and day. I could actually relax and breathe enough for Caleb to get air during contractions. In fact, I only knew when I was having a contraction by watching Caleb's heart monitor. From then on, it was mostly a waiting game. The nurses would check on my progress every once in a while, but Caleb still hadn't "dropped," which seemed to be slowing everything down. 
Around 2am I was about 8cm dilated but he still hadn't dropped. I asked if I could stand up to try to help and they said that I could if I thought I could feel my legs. I said I could so I stood up with Josh's help and whoosh--my water suddenly broke. The nurses said that was great! They had me lay back down and checked out the situation and said it would be soon now--we were going to have a baby soon! Josh predicted around four, but I predicted around 6am. (I was right haha). Anyways, I was about 9 1/2 cm dilated, almost baby time, around 4am I think, when they discovered that Caleb had pooped! Guess being nine days late he couldn't hold it anymore. Baby's first poop is called meconium and it can be very dangerous if it comes out in the womb because they can swallow it, etc. So they decided they needed to get the baby out as soon as possible! They had me start trying to push and said I was doing a good job but his head wasn't in the right position yet, which was making progress slow. My epidural wore off and I was starting to feel a lot of pain, but thought the end must be near. Then all of the sudden everyone disappeared. My mom told me that another woman and her mom had come running into the hospital and they rushed her right into the delivery room. She gave birth in thirty minutes! Then it was my turn. They wheeled me into the delivery room around 4:45am I guess. My groggy doctor came in a little while later. By then I was in serious pain, but there was nothing to be done. They kept saying he was almost coming but I didn't let myself believe anybody. Like in a race when everyone says "You're almost there," even when you've just begun. However, the doctor decided an episiotomy was necessary to speed things along. If you don't know what that is, you don't want to know! Anyways, Caleb's head came out and the doctor cut the cord, but I had no idea what was going on. Then he pulled out the rest of the baby and held him up and said "Here's your baby." The lifeless, slimy, alien-like being that he held up was purple and brown and looking awful. "He's not breathing!" I cried out, wishing the doctor wouldn't waste precious seconds showing him to us when he should be saving his life instead. The doctor was very casual and said they would take care of it. It seemed like FOREVER that the doctor and about four nurses were working on Kai-Jia, and we kept listening for a cry but never heard one. Josh and I were praying and I just imagined his little life passing out of this world and going home empty-handed. But we gave him the name Caleb Joshua to represent Bible characters that had big faith, so I knew God was calling on me to have faith as well. It was just not the kind of test I was looking for. Anyways, FINALLY they brought him to me and he was all bundled up but they laid him on me for a minute and we snapped a picture. My heart was so relieved and overjoyed. This precious gift was ours and was ALIVE! Praise God! They explained that he was unstable and they had to take him away and I understood, though I didn't know how long it would be before they let me see him again. That was a long first day and I missed him like crazy, but the very next day they handed him over to us--our baby! Our lives will never be the same. Caleb Joshua Hong was born at 5:38 am on July 29th, 2010. He weighed 2.9 kgs (about 6 pounds, 6 ounces) and was 50cm long (about 19 inches). I LOVE being Caleb's mom!
(Not the end, just the beginning...)
My mom arrived in Taiwan on July 8th to make sure she would be here in plenty of time for the birth of her sixth grandchild. Well, she could have saved herself the trouble and come about three weeks later, but I was glad to have her company anyways. My due date of July 20th had come and gone by the time I went in on July 27th for yet another doctor's appointment and ultrasound. Our baby always hid during the ultrasounds, with his hands over his face, so there wasn't much to see either. My mom and I had been walking all around town, trying to make the baby come out. Josh was at the ready and always told me to call him if I had any "construction" (contractions). My doctor said that we would need to induce labor sometime in the next few days and told me to just come check myself in whenever I was ready. I wanted to let Kai-Jia come on his own, but I also wanted to get the show on the road and let grandma meet him while she was here! It seemed like a daunting responsibility to decide what day to have my baby. The next day (Wednesday the 28th) I was somewhat depressed. Still no baby. I decided to check myself in on the 29th to be induced, but I had hoped and prayed that the baby would come naturally. We tried watching Youtube videos about which pressure points to massage in order to get something started, but nothing was happening, and Caleb hadn't even 'dropped' yet.
My mom and I had nothing left on our to-do list except to ride the "duck bus," an amphibious bus that rides into Lotus Lake. My dad had suggested eating cheeseburgers to make the baby come and I was ready to try anything, so I had a cheeseburger for lunch. About that time I started feeling some cramping in my stomach, but I didn't want to get my hopes up that it could be labor, so I didn't say anything. My mom and I proceeded with our plans to ride the duck bus, but the pains were becoming more noticeable, so I asked her if it could be labor. She started timing them and we waited around for our turn on the duck bus. By the time we got on the bus, around 5pm, they were coming almost 5 minutes apart, but they still weren't that painful. We thought maybe I could give birth on the bus! But no action yet. I was partially worried that my water would break, but little did I know that wouldn't happen until much later. I got home and told Josh that the time had come--he was a little surprised! I took a shower, but the contractions were coming 2-3 minutes apart by then, so we decided I didn't have time to wash my hair. Still, it wasn't too painful yet. By the time we got in the car I couldn't talk during contractions, but I still felt okay. I was excited! We got to the hospital and I went to the labor room around 7pm, feeling pretty confident that the baby was coming fairly quickly, after all, my mom's first baby came after just 6 hours of labor. The nurses wanted to measure my contractions, but to do so I had to lay on a bed and let them monitor for 20 minutes. Well, laying on my back made the contractions WAY worse, so I turned onto my side. After 20 minutes the nurses came back and said that I would have to lay flat on my back and that they were starting over for another 20 minutes--NOT what I wanted to hear. I was already in a lot of pain and dreading each contraction. They started monitoring again, and by the time they were done I was in SERIOUS pain, so when they measured me and said that I was only one centimeter dilated, it was a HUGE disappointment. At that rate, I thought I'd never make it. They suggested that I go home--I couldn't believe it! They asked if I wanted to see the doctor and I said okay. My doctor said I should wait until midnight to check in. At the time I didn't understand that that was because of the way they charge for a whole 24 hours if you check in in the evening, but oh well. We sat in the waiting room trying to decide what to do and I was in so much pain with each contraction. The other pregnant ladies waiting for their appointments must have been watching me in horror as my mom and Josh tried to coach me to breathe. It was embarrassing, but I didn't know what else to do. Finally, I though let's just go to the 2nd floor (labor area) waiting area. Much better--many less people, but I was still dying. Finally, around 9pm I said I just wanted to check myself in, so I did.
The nurses prepped me for labor, but each time a contraction came, I could barely function. They hooked me up to a heart monitoring device to check on the baby. Since the cord was wrapped around his neck, it was hard for him to get enough oxygen when I was having a contraction. The nurses said I would have to breathe more deeply, and put me on oxygen, but I just wasn't able to breathe enough for both of us with how painful the contractions were, so around 10pm I asked for an epidural. No need to be a hero, I thought. The difference after getting the epidural was night and day. I could actually relax and breathe enough for Caleb to get air during contractions. In fact, I only knew when I was having a contraction by watching Caleb's heart monitor. From then on, it was mostly a waiting game. The nurses would check on my progress every once in a while, but Caleb still hadn't "dropped," which seemed to be slowing everything down. 
Around 2am I was about 8cm dilated but he still hadn't dropped. I asked if I could stand up to try to help and they said that I could if I thought I could feel my legs. I said I could so I stood up with Josh's help and whoosh--my water suddenly broke. The nurses said that was great! They had me lay back down and checked out the situation and said it would be soon now--we were going to have a baby soon! Josh predicted around four, but I predicted around 6am. (I was right haha). Anyways, I was about 9 1/2 cm dilated, almost baby time, around 4am I think, when they discovered that Caleb had pooped! Guess being nine days late he couldn't hold it anymore. Baby's first poop is called meconium and it can be very dangerous if it comes out in the womb because they can swallow it, etc. So they decided they needed to get the baby out as soon as possible! They had me start trying to push and said I was doing a good job but his head wasn't in the right position yet, which was making progress slow. My epidural wore off and I was starting to feel a lot of pain, but thought the end must be near. Then all of the sudden everyone disappeared. My mom told me that another woman and her mom had come running into the hospital and they rushed her right into the delivery room. She gave birth in thirty minutes! Then it was my turn. They wheeled me into the delivery room around 4:45am I guess. My groggy doctor came in a little while later. By then I was in serious pain, but there was nothing to be done. They kept saying he was almost coming but I didn't let myself believe anybody. Like in a race when everyone says "You're almost there," even when you've just begun. However, the doctor decided an episiotomy was necessary to speed things along. If you don't know what that is, you don't want to know! Anyways, Caleb's head came out and the doctor cut the cord, but I had no idea what was going on. Then he pulled out the rest of the baby and held him up and said "Here's your baby." The lifeless, slimy, alien-like being that he held up was purple and brown and looking awful. "He's not breathing!" I cried out, wishing the doctor wouldn't waste precious seconds showing him to us when he should be saving his life instead. The doctor was very casual and said they would take care of it. It seemed like FOREVER that the doctor and about four nurses were working on Kai-Jia, and we kept listening for a cry but never heard one. Josh and I were praying and I just imagined his little life passing out of this world and going home empty-handed. But we gave him the name Caleb Joshua to represent Bible characters that had big faith, so I knew God was calling on me to have faith as well. It was just not the kind of test I was looking for. Anyways, FINALLY they brought him to me and he was all bundled up but they laid him on me for a minute and we snapped a picture. My heart was so relieved and overjoyed. This precious gift was ours and was ALIVE! Praise God! They explained that he was unstable and they had to take him away and I understood, though I didn't know how long it would be before they let me see him again. That was a long first day and I missed him like crazy, but the very next day they handed him over to us--our baby! Our lives will never be the same. Caleb Joshua Hong was born at 5:38 am on July 29th, 2010. He weighed 2.9 kgs (about 6 pounds, 6 ounces) and was 50cm long (about 19 inches). I LOVE being Caleb's mom! (Not the end, just the beginning...)
Monday, August 9, 2010
Caleb is here!
We are so happy to announce the birth of our firstborn: Caleb Joshua Hong/洪凱嘉. He was born at 5:38 on Thursday morning, July 29th, 2010. He weighed 2.9 kilos, which is about 6 pounds and 6 ounces, and he measured 50cm long, which is about 19 inches. He is a tiny little guy and we are just so in love with him, despite the sleep deprivation we are currently experiencing. Adding to the fun, my parents are here from California to visit and to help us adjust to our new life as a family. We are so grateful to God for our little bundle of joy. Here are a few photos and I intend to write my birth story soon and add it here.
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Mama and Baby just after birt
Daddy loves Caleb
Little Sweetie
A special Father's Day!
halt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503350886438775314" />Mama and Baby just after birt
Daddy loves Caleb
Little Sweetie
A special Father's Day!
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