winter solstice

"in the bleak mid-winter," we sing about the birth of Jesus, our living hope, occurring in the middle of the coldest, darkest season we experience. Well, I hope I don't shock you when I say that Jesus wasn't actually born on December 25th. And I hope I don't shock you further by saying that Christmas was originally a pagan holiday to celebrate the winter solstice. These facts don't bother me at all and I hope they won't keep you up at night either. But here's what I've been ruminating over in the two to four minutes of the day when I have spare brain power for ruminating. Winter solstice, symbolically, is the ultimately perfect time to celebrate Jesus' birth, or Christmas--in the northern hemisphere, at least. (Especially since we don't know the exact date that Jesus was actually born anyways.) It can be thought of as the shortest day of the year, or, more optimistically, the day from which each day will become almost imperceptibly warmer and brighter. The day from which the dread of dark and night begin to fall away and lose their power. And that's exactly the moment when Jesus appears in our lives. When things seem darkest and most hopeless, there he appears, often unannounced, to change everything. The day that hope dawns. Ancient cultures have celebrated the solstice for years. It just passed and here in Taiwan people were eating tang yuan (a sweet soup made with glutinous rice balls) and medicinal soups for warmth and health as part of the celebration. In ancient pagan culture the event was associated with the birth or rebirth of the sun god. Who is he, the prince of peace who was born for us, but the appearance of the sun piercing through the darkness? In the Bible, Jesus has been compared figuratively to the sun, which gives life and light to Earth. Ancient cultures also celebrated the theme of reversal, which coincides nicely with Christmas as well. Satan's reign of sin and death are being reversed with this tiny new life which comes down from heaven and is for all mankind. So I'm a day late and dollar short in writing this, as I am with all things in my current stage of life, but I stop for a moment and praise the God who met us and meets us in our moment of profound darkness with an answer that was more than we could have asked for or imagined, and dispels our darkness. Not suddenly, but with almost imperceptible incrementally increasing amounts of light. He is Beautiful. "Oh, come let us adore him, Christ the Lord!"

When you fail your spouse

When you fail your spouse, you do not become that failure. When you act unloving, it does not mean you become unlovable. When you say what you shouldn't have said, it does not mean you are unforgivable. When you fail your spouse, that failure does not define you. When you fail your spouse, there is grace. Your spouse may not forgive you, but God is faithful to forgive. Your spouse may not extend you grace, but God is lavishly gracious. Your spouse may hold your wrongs against you, but God removes them from His mind. When you fail your spouse, you are still a child of God and He still welcomes you home. When you fail your spouse, He gives strength to keep going and to try again. When you fail your spouse, He has tender mercies ready to pour out on you. When you fail your spouse, it's not about forgiving yourself, but about receiving God's forgiveness. Have I convinced you? If not, meditate on Psalm 51.

When your spouse fails you

When your spouse fails you, Remember that God will never fail. When your spouse hurts you, He holds your tears in a jar and makes you whole. When your spouse misunderstands you, Remember that there is One who knows you better than you know yourself. When your spouse judges you, Remember that there is only One who judges rightly. When your spouse forgets you, There is One who never forgets. When your spouse wrongs you, Remember that He will put all things right in the end. When your spouse criticizes you, He will quietly sing over you with Love. When your spouse rejects you, He holds you in His arms. When your spouse doesn't love you anymore, Receive strength from Christ To choose Love anyways.

Isaac's words

Because our beloved first child has some serious developmental delays, I have been watching our second son, Isaac, a bit more carefully. A few weeks ago I thought he turned 18 months and only had about 3-4 words and I was a bit troubled. Then I realized he was only 17 months. Babycenter says that by 18 months kids should have about 15 words. I am very happy to be able to report that he made it! (Even though I know that kids growing up in multilingual environments get a few grace months.) Before I share his list of words I just want to reiterate what a complete and total sweetheart Isaac is. He is oozing with sweetness. His voice is quiet, soft and sincere. Ok, here are his words, not necessarily in order, as well as I can remember. 1. mama 2. baba 3. up (for up or down) 4. apple 5. shoes 6. book 7. cracker 8. cookie 9. xie xie (thank you) 10. gege (big brother) 11. more 12. Elmo 13. zhege zhege (this, this) 14. nonono 15. water Isaac also passes out lots of kisses--mommy's favorite! Love him.

Therapy

I enjoy reading the sweet and encouraging Dear Mom letters over at this blog http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot. Here is one she didn't write but I wish she had. It is for you. It is for me. It has no spacing or indentation because I cannot figure out how to make my blog publish the spacing that I so carefully place into it. Dear Mom (or Dad) who takes your child to therapy on a regular basis, You know that feeling that your exhaustion seems out of proportion to the few hours a week you accompany your child to therapy? It's not. Taking your child to therapy is truly exhausting. I know. I take my son to therapy every. single. weekday. And I am constantly thinking about how I can build more "therapy" into our daily lives and activities. Each day I barely have enough to make it through, but I make it. Barely. God is a good parent. It is a lofty yet appropriate goal to become like him as we parent our children. God, however, has unlimited time, unlimited energy and unlimited resources. By contrast, we humans have limited time, limited energy and limited resources. When you have a child that needs to be taken to therapy regularly it uses more of the time, energy and resources allotted to you. And it's not like dropping a kid off at school. Which I've never yet done, but I can imagine that bittersweet freedom. But no, therapy class is for the parents to learn as much as the children. You, the parent, must learn to become your child's 24 hour personal therapist. You must become your child's greatest advocate for life. So you attend the class, rooting for your child with all of your being. As if by willing it strongly enough you could make your child recover from whatever trauma he's been through. Help him take those steps to "catch up" a little with his peers. Whether you are holding his hand as he walks another obstacle course or sitting on the sidelines cheering, you are using all of the parenthood force to hope that this will be a breakthrough moment for him. That all of those times putting pegs in a pegboard and pulling them out again will add up to increased dexterity. That all of the balance beams walked across will equal greater equilibrium. That one of the times when you ask what color the ball is, he is going to look at you and say clearly, "It's red." Let me tell you something about using the force of parenthood--it's draining! And sometimes you are not only concentrating the force towards your child, but sometimes you must aim a lot of it towards his teacher as well. Willing her to get to class on time. Willing her this time not to waste ten precious therapy minutes on announcements or less-engaging activities. Willing her to understand what your child needs. And then when the class is finally over, not only is your child spent but so are you! Well at least the world understands that you are spent, right? You come home and someone hands you a free extra large latte and says, "You did real good working the parental force today, take a break why don't you?" Your children look at you and see your exhaustion and say, "We are going to go to the other room and play with our toys nicely for an hour." You kick back and relax. Ahhhh. Dream world is nice, isn't it? But of course we know it's not reality. You are responsible for at least one child who, at this time of life, needs a lot of extra help. And you want that child to have healthy meals. And a positive home environment. And the right amount of stimulation. And enough sleep. But in reality, without a second set of hands, some of those positive parenting goals are just out of reach for you. And then the other big life-sucker comes into play: parental guilt. Maybe I didn't talk to him enough or stimulate him enough or feed him enough of the right foods or let him exercise enough or play with him enough or send him to playgroups enough or go out enough or stay home enough. Maybe it was the vaccinations or lack of... Basically you can make yourself crazy on this one. You know you shouldn't, but it's oh so easy to go down that road. Well, don't. God made you Mommy and with God's help, you ARE enough. His grace is sufficient for you--yes, YOU. You may be exhausted, but our God, who gives good gifts, will supply enough energy from his unlimited supply to get you through today. But here's the secret. You have to lean in. Harder. Harder! Let go. Let go of the force. Let go of the guilt. Let go of the anxiety. God's got you in his arms. God's got your child in his arms and in His plans. Breathe. You are going to make it. And remember these words of wisdom: Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Aint that the truth! Be blessed! Go in peace.

Has parenting gotten harder?

Has parenting gotten harder? I keep pondering this question and I feel like I know what the answer must be and yet it's somewhat of a mystery to me. This is what I mean. Think of parents ten, twenty, or a hundred years ago. First and foremost, they couldn't consult the Internet for every question, recipe, symptom, or other curiosity. How did they live? Then, the further back you go, they could not depend on their husbands for help. Husbands would not consider changing diapers, rocking children to sleep, much less pitching in with laundry or washing the dishes. The further back you go, women were less able to buy things outside of the home. A woman might not have the money or option to buy a take-out meal and more things had to be made by hand. Like butter. Or bread. Or clothes. Expectations for housekeeping and hospitality were higher than they are now. And there were no videos or electronic gadgets to entertain the kids for a bit while the woman attended to those tasks. What did they do? And people often had more children than we do now and the expectations for children's behavior were more strict. So first of all I don't understand how the women who came before did it all. Even my own mother raised four kids, kept house, made meals and never complained or seemed flustered. My grandma raised 11 kids and was not even allowed to call her mother with a question because of the expense of a long distance phone call. But not only am I perplexed by the question of how did they do it, but I wonder for modern mothers like myself, why does it seem so hard? I can barely make dinner a few days a week and I can never keep up with dishes, laundry or housework. And my husband helps out. A lot. And I have a washing machine for the clothes and a microwave and a McDonald's nearby (don't judge) and we eat takeout meals ALL THE TIME (don't judge). That said, we don't eat McDonald's all the time. But seriously! I barely ever accomplish anything except the bare minimum of what is necessary to survive. And I feel like I work pretty hard. And I'm always tired. So what is wrong with me? And I'm not the only mother I know in this situation. Has parenting gotten harder? It seems like it has gotten easier with all the modern innovations at our disposal and the way men's and women's roles have adjusted. So why does it seem impossible to be a good mom and a good homemaker? I'm stumped. Can anyone shed some light on this for me? Also, as I've been thinking all this over I have decided to make for myself a mother's job description. Would anyone care to join me in this endeavor? I feel like it will help me focus on what I truly feel to be my God-given responsibility and what is just extra (anything you can find on Pinterest). I want to post it in my house and come back to it both to encourage me and to help me recognize areas for improvement. I want to be anointed by God for this amazing and important job of motherhood. Please consider writing your own so we can share and inspire each other in this way. Well, off to work on all the jobs that need to be completed around the house!

unexpected blessings

Since writing my last post about things I miss since having kids something strange has happened. I keep finding opportunities to get to do some of the items on my list! God has been spoiling me. I have been wanting to write a follow-up or delete the last post anyways. Even though I said I wasn't complaining I felt like I must have been complaining or else what was I doing? And I discovered it. I was trying to remember and maintain my identity, my sense of self. When parenting small children, you have to remember who you are because you don't have as many outlets or chances for natural expression as you once did. Fortunately I find my identity in Christ so that even when I can't do what I love to do, I am still me. But God made us in His image and we are creative beings with unique personalities, desires and passions. By writing down the things that I like to do that energize me I feel like I'm preserving a bit of my identity here in my blog. I also wanted to say that it's not like I never get to do the things on the list, just not any old time that I want to, like when I was single. And now that I don't have the chance to do many of those things on a regular basis, of course I am still me, deep down. I just have to fight harder to remember. Still, I don't want to come across as ungrateful for one minute. I am so grateful for the blessings in my life and I am filled with JOY every day. Today was another day that God treated me to a night out with friends. My hubby took the two kids willingly and I got to eat a yummy meal and feel pretty. I even got to ride my scooter! God is good to me all the time. Then I got to come home and snuggle my little ones and read them a Bible story from the Jesus Storybook Bible. We read about the lost son. Thinking about this tonight: God says to his children, "you are always with me, and everything I have is yours." Luke 15:31 I believe this is the secret to being content in any situation, whether you are a tired mom of littles, a lonely single person, a person longing for a child, a person who has grown old and lost many loved ones, a person facing a dark valley in life--be encouraged. Don't believe the lies the enemy will tell you but believe this truth. God is always with you and everything he has is yours. I don't know about you but I'm thinking--that's a LOT! That's ENOUGH!

things that i miss

I am so glad that I have my two sweet little boys. I can't imagine my life without them and I wouldn't trade being with them for anything in the world. I remind myself of that when the floor is covered in cheerios, the laundry basket is overflowing and I haven't seen the bottom of the sink all week. Before becoming a parent I feared what I would be giving up, especially freedom. Then when I met my son(s) and discovered the whole new, indescribable, life-changing kind of love that is parenthood, everything changed. Sacrifice didn't feel like sacrifice. I would do anything for those two little sweethearts, even if they never said thank you or even "mama." And yet...there are things I miss. This is just off the top of my head. It's not meant to be a complaint, just a recording of part of this season of my life. So here it is: I miss sitting in a coffee shop, reading and enjoying a good book or conversation. I miss games nights/get-togethers with friends. I miss "craft time". I miss movie/date night. I miss Taiwan style hair washes. I miss being able to sit for a whole meal. I miss earning money to live on. I miss being free to do lots of ministry. I miss running. I miss having two hands to type. I miss having a moment to think. I miss having extended prayer/Bible/journaling times. I miss having the option of sleeping in if I'm sick or tired. I miss hiking monkey mountain. I miss going in Taiwanese stationary stores. I miss being able to cook something if I wanted to without putting small peoples' lives in danger. I miss spending more than 5 minutes getting ready. I miss handwriting letters to family or friends. I miss having free hands to serve others. I miss getting around town on my scooter. I miss night markets. I miss studying Chinese. I miss sitting through a church service. I miss holding my husband's hand. I miss getting a good night's sleep. I miss feeling successful in my life. I miss being able to be spontaneous. I miss carrying just a small purse. I miss reading. Ok, I'm sure there's more, but that's enough for now. Once again, I don't say this to complain, but I'm sure all the parents out there can relate and I'm sure all those who are not parents can learn more about what it's like to be one. And now that I've gotten that all out I do feel better! I know it's just a season. Though it may be a very long season indeed. Until then, see you sporadically! (shameless Clueless reference)

things that are hard

Living in the hospital is hard. Having a Taiwanese mother-in-law is hard. Answering people when they ask why my son walks so strangely is hard. Getting a kid to bed when you can't leave him unattended and he doesn't want to sleep is hard. Answering people when they ask, "So is Caleb better now?" is hard. Not being able to take your son to crowded places when you live in a crowded city is hard. Having a kid with low platelets who often falls and hits his head is hard. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" James 1:2-3 I have a new and profound admiration for parents of children with chronic illnesses or disabilities that cause the parents to be isolated from society. I don't know what the road ahead holds with Caleb, but I know he is in God's hands. God is the only one who understands what's going on with Caleb and the only one who knows what He needs. Thank you for those who prayed for Caleb's bone marrow biopsy--it went very smoothly. Caleb was laughing like a little drunkard as he fell into unconsciousness, and less than ten minutes later they were done. They found that his body is not producing enough platelets, but it's a mystery because usually in that case the body would not be producing red and white blood cells either, while Caleb's are normal. If you have any leads or know anyone with a similar situation please leave me a comment! -paula

a thankful heart is a happy heart

Well, our time here in the US is winding down. I can't believe it's been over six months. Isaac was just a helpless little baby when we got here and now he's doing all kinds of new tricks, and close to walking! Caleb was a mess when we got here and we didn't have a clue what was going on with him. Well, we still don't know for sure, but we have more of an idea. So much has happened. Caleb turned 2 and has started trying to say words, family members and friends have had birthdays, family members have been sick and gotten well again, and God has taught me so much. It will be hard leaving in 48 hours, but I'm trying to focus on what I'm thankful for. Here's a list to get started 1. having a home to live in and car to use during our time here (thanks, mom and dad) 2. being able to do life with family for a period of time 3. being near family while going through the worst of Caleb's medical trauma 4. most of Caleb's scary tests coming back negative 5. spending the 4th of july, halloween, thanksgiving, and Christmas with family 6. catching up with good friends 7. eating [a few too many] delicious things 8. all the progress Caleb has made with his various therapies 9. receiving some helpful marital counseling 10. Isaac being able to learn how to crawl and stand while playing on carpeted floor 11. being here while family members faced various illnesses 12. being in God's school of healing and thankfulness 13. all the fun experiences our kids had here like pumpkin patches, pony rides, christmas cookie making and caroling, swim parties, cousin time, and beach time 14. joining mariners' church and watching our kids grow to love their classes there 15. having access to an efficient washer and dryer for half a year There's so much to be thankful for, but these are some of the biggies. Thanks for stopping by!

Happy 2013

Stationery card

View the entire collection of cards.

letting go of negativity

Can you be negative and positive at the same time? Can you hide behind the defenses of negativity and still be a positive person? I am in God's school of hope and healing and I am learning that I need to undo years of wrong thinking patterns that are holding me back from meeting my potential as a child of God. In the past I have been surprised when others have seen me as a negative person because I don't feel like I am a negative person. Inside I feel full of hope. Now I am seeing what is behind that. "Expect the worst and hope for the best." This has been a maxim for my life to help protect me from disappointment. In my old line of thinking I did hope for the best, but passively, just hoping that good things would come my way. If they didn't, I wasn't surprised, after all I expected the worst. This does WORK to some extent as a method for guarding the heart, but it sets up a false limit in our minds and our low expectations can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I am discovering that negativity is a self-protection method that I want to leave behind for the new year and beyond. It is more important now than ever, as we are hoping for my son's healing from a rare condition that he may have. My good friend gave me a book called The Mind to Heal by Doreen Lecheler. It is causing me to realize that if I am hoping for healing, my negative thinking (which leads to negative speaking) about his condition and my expecting the worst will hold us back from fully receiving God's healing. In other words, the expecting the worst is not a self-preservation method that is ultimately worth it. Instead, God asks me to lean fully into Him with fully abandoned hope, trusting the results to Him. He is the one who will protect my heart. So now I am on a negativity detox, from my mind and my words. I must not expect cancer or a short lifespan for my son. I must allow God to heal. I'm still learning, so please walk with me, my friend. "This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." Deuteronomy 30:19

GPT

You've heard of Pacific Standard Time or maybe Eastern Standard Time but I'm trying to learn how to operate in a different timezone: GPT. It stands for God's Perfect Timing. Turns out I haven't had much faith in it in the past. Our God often operates on a timetable that seems too late or last-minute to feel comfortable to me. I'm the kind of person who'd like to be five minutes early everywhere so I can have that extra margin of time "just incase." I seem to forget that God sees the whole picture and that it's impossible for Him to be too late for anything because He's the author of the story. So I'm trying to be humble and learn to trust. This is especially hard for me right now as I wait for my oldest son's diagnosis and prepare to move back to Taiwan with my husband and two sons. I don't feel ready to leave my family. So many services are just coming together for my son and he is making good progress. We don't know for sure what his diagnosis is or where he can receive treatment in Taiwan. Christmas and important family birthdays are just around the corner. I wish I could drag my feet or refuse to go, but instead I'm trying to trust. Trust that if it's really not the right time to go that God will make a way to stay. Trust that God can change my husband's heart as He sees fit. Trust that a diagnosis is not a death sentence. Trust that when I'm back in Taiwan and homesick that God will be with me each step of the way. Trust that comfort and joy aren't just for the Christmas season. Trust that God knows what my son needs. Trust in His unfailing Love. Trust in God's Perfect Timing.

Comfort and Joy

I was going to name this post something more dismal like "sadness" but then at church this morning I received God's comfort through his Word and that seemed somehow more uplifting. I just wanted to express that even though what I said in my last post was true--that I am choosing hope and joy through thankfulness--still, I am sad. Can a person be sad and joyful at the same time? Yes. We can feel sorrow or grief in our life and yet have the all-sustaining peace and Joy of the Lord as an anchor for our soul. So I just wanted to say that I'm sad. I'm sad that my son may not live past his teenage years and may not have the kind of life I would imagine for him. Even though I trust God, I am sad right now. Even though I don't know for sure his diagnosis or prognosis, I am sad right now. It's a grief that I imagine will be lurking around unless God chooses to miraculously heal my son. I still don't understand everything that's going on medically because the doctors don't want to say too much until there's been further testing. But I've read the google explanations and the parents' stories, so at this point the doctors' vague answers are not really helping. I do believe God can heal Caleb, but I don't know if he will choose to do so or not. Right now I am making the choice to believe that no matter what happens, God is Good and I will praise Him. He walks with us and that brings Comfort and Joy. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." If I didn't admit I was sad, I wouldn't be able to receive His great comfort. And man, how I needed that this morning. 'Tis the season--of Comfort and Joy!

giving thanks anyways

Well, we learned more about Caleb's situation just before Thanksgiving this year. The doctor called to tell us the results of yet more tests that they did on my son recently. I just expected her to say that they all came back negative again. Only she didn't. They found something. This excited me because I want desperately to be able to explain why my kid is not healthy and has so many delays. However, after the initial excitement of finding out that my son has "shortened telomeres," I soon discovered that that's pretty bad news. I want to say really bad news but I must not forget that God is in control and that this "news" didn't surprise him, so how bad can news really be? I trust Him. So what are shortened telomeres, you ask? Good question! I'm trying to research it but I'm still about as clear as mud on all of it. My Taiwanese friend said it's like the plastic tips at the end of shoelaces, protecting the DNA from breaking down. As we age our telomeres shorten naturally, but you wouldn't expect to see them shortened in a two year old. Medically speaking it means a shortened life expectancy and a high risk for cancers. I say medically speaking because my God is the great physician and nothing that is written on google or in my doctor's handbooks is written in stone for the life of my little boy. I trust Him. Well, now that we know he has shortened telomeres, now what? Now the doctors are seeking approval from insurance to do further genetic testing based on this new information. I hate to even write it but the disorder that would most closely match his symptoms is called Dyskeratosis Congenita. I don't want to go into all the details here but it's a grim prognosis to say the least. Please Lord, no! And yet I know that if that's what it is He will walk with me through it. I trust Him. People say that being thankful is a choice and that choosing gratitude brings Joy. It all sounds cliche until you're dealing with a bunch of bad news the week of Thanksgiving. But it's true. I can choose joy by focusing on what I'm thankful for, and right at the top of my list is: each and every day with my sweet boys. As parents we never know how much time we will have to enjoy our children here on this earth, whether they come with a diagnosis or not. So I choose to cherish each day and I choose to have a grateful heart. After all, I trust Him.

progress

Thank you for your positive feedback on my last post. I just wanted to say that in these past few weeks we've been seeing a lot of progress with Caleb. In every area. He's grown physically, his blood counts are up, and he's making improvements with gross/fine motor and speech. The therapists who did his original evaluation say that he looks like a totally different kid. Not to say that he's entirely healed or caught up to other kids his age, but when he is making progress it is much more encouraging to this mama's heart. Usually as parents we get the gift of seeing our kids grow and change right before our eyes, but for a while Caleb had been stunted. He didn't grow. He didn't develop. He didn't learn any new tricks. That was hard to watch. However, it is equally wonderful to see him progress. In the past month he has grown a little taller, learned to walk much better, actually cleared the ground on his jumping attempts, and started trying to say words, for starters. He still looks funny when he walks, and he still mostly makes vowel sounds when he talks, but that doesn't stop me from being incredibly proud of his accomplishments. He FINALLY will try to repeat words that you say to him (just new in this past week). It's the funnest game for me--Caleb, say mama: "Aaah!" Say dada "Aaah!" Say Papa: "Aaaah!" He's even eating better, though he usually only eats well at about one meal a day. Low appetite, but when he wants to he can feed himself well with a spoon or fork. Or his new favorite: picking up a bean burrito and biting it from the middle. He is such a clever boy, and when he wants to be he can be incredibly affectionate which just sweeps me off my feet. I love the sly smile he gets when he has a good [or bad] idea or just before he kisses someone. I love watching him sweep and rake with Papa (my dad) and do anything else he sees Papa doing. I love how enthusiastic he is about helping with laundry or dishes. I love that he has grown to love his little brother. Every day I can't believe how truly blessed I am to have him as my son. And God is definitely using him to stretch our faith and to bless his grandparents! Thank you, Lord.

special needs

I guess nobody ever envisions themselves becoming the parent of a special needs child. When I was still in Taiwan and starting to notice the signs that my little boy was 'special,' many people tried to comfort and reassure me that he was probably just on his own timeline--nothing to worry about. I know those people were trying to comfort me and help me not worry too much, as mommies tend to do. However, it made it all the more shocking when it turned out that my fiercely loved elder son is indeed delayed in many areas. "Global delays," is what they called it, to indicate that he is delayed in about every area. Since that initial shock I have been doing a lot of thinking about what this means. Well, only in a general sense because after these first few months of knowing something is wrong, we still don't have a real diagnosis for my son. It appears his delays probably stem from a medical condition that is very enigmatic in nature. Our doctors have run so many tests and still haven't found a lead. Apart from the medical problems, I've been thinking about the paradox of how we as humans desperately want to be special, yet mostly all want to be normal at the same time. We especially want our kids to be normal, which is why I believe so many people persuaded me that my son was 'perfectly normal.' But as it turns out, now that I know he has special needs, do I love him any less? Not a smidgen. Do I think he's any less smart or clever? Not at all. Is his value as a person in any way undermined? Not in the least. So why do we worry so much about making sure our kids are normal. I've come to embrace the special, because that's what my little boy is. And he is SO special to me--words can't describe. I love him more and more each day as we discover each other and as I get to watch him discover the world. He is a really sweet and creative boy. One of the hardest things with all that's going on has been accepting that for now--maybe for long term even--I don't get to know what's going on in that little body of his. God knows. If He intended for me to know, I would know. I have to rest in that and be okay in that. God created my little Caleb and he knows and loves him oh so much more than I do. And He has great plans for Caleb. Plans He made with Caleb in mind. Plans that will not be thwarted by developmental delays or low platelets. Caleb is special, my special little boy. And I cherish him.

Isaac's Dedication

Well, yesterday we dedicated our baby Isaac Joshua to the Lord. Here is the blessing I read to him, though I forgot to have it translated into Chinese. Oops. Dear Isaac Joshua, The name Isaac means laughter and it is our prayer that you will bring smiles, laughter and the Joy of the Lord with you wherever you go. Already you have brought so much Joy to our family, and your sweet smiles and giggles are a huge blessing to us. God hand-picked you for our family and hand-picked our family for you. You and your brother Caleb share the same middle name, Joshua, and we pray that you will grow to become good friends and men of great Faith. Isaac, you are a strong, easygoing and friendly baby. We can’t wait to see how God will use your life. We will do our best to teach you to love God and follow his ways. We love you with all of our hearts, Your Mom and Dad Our dedication was to take place right after worship and we pulled up to church just in time. Not in time, however, to change Isaac's poop explosion that he decided to create in the car. Or his milk barf. Just a little something extra for the dedication. The funny thing is that Caleb also had a poop explosion just before his baby dedication. Good thing I've learned to bring an extra outfit. Always an adventure! We love you Baby Isaac

More than Happiness

Want to know how to discourage a new mother of two? When she returns from an outing with both of her babies and her large double stroller tell her that you've noticed that her older son is so unhappy these days. Let her know you never see him smile anymore. That's how the guard of our building has chosen to greet me recently. The other day after such an exchange I found myself riding up the elevator in tears. But God met me in that moment. Sometimes it's hard to measure how good of a job you're doing when you're a mother. It's tempting to measure it by the happiness of your child. When he is smiling and laughing you feel like a good mother, but when he is moody, crying about one thing after another, and unhappy for a good portion of the day, you must be a bad mother, right? Wrong, as God reminded me. It's about more than happiness. God's ultimate goal for my son, and for you and me, is more than happiness. James 1:2-4 tells us to "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." God's desire for us is to develop our character into the likeness of Christ. This is not to say that he doesn't want us to be happy. He wants us to live life to the fullest (John 10:10)! But He knows what is best for us and values maturity of character and fruit that will last over temporal happiness. A good parent will naturally desire for his/her child to be happy. But a good parent realizes that the goal of godliness for his/her child comes above the goal of happiness. If it was all about happiness then it would make sense to give in to my child's every desire and give him everything he wants. But it's not all about happiness. We all know what happens to the child who gets everything he/she wants. It's not pretty. That's not what I want for my children and that's not what God wants for me. I have been learning how this applies not only to my kids but to me as well. Even though it should be obvious, I had forgotten or lost sight of this truth. I was struggling in my marriage and wondering why God wasn't making it easier. When I prayed it always seemed to get harder and I wondered why it felt like God wasn't helping me. Finally I realized that God was trying to develop my character. When I prayed, he provided challenges, aka opportunities to grow. Opportunities to obey. I failed. Almost every single time. But now that I see things differently, I am ready to try harder. I am no longer asking for God to make it easier, but for him to give me the strength to do the right thing when the trials come. Because they will. It does not say anywhere in the Bible that when we pray, God will take all trials away from us. But it does say that He will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5). And 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us that scripture equips us for every good work. I want to be the kind of wife and mother that is equipped to do good works that will bless my family. God is helping me become that wife and mother. Caleb continues to be moody and opinionated, but he also has a super sweet side to him. Recently he has become much more affectionate with me and will even give me kisses--sometimes when I ask for them and sometimes all on his own. He is struggling a bit to find his place in the family and also beginning to assert his independence more. As a mother I have the difficult job of knowing when to say no and when to say yes. I try to say yes as much as possible in order not to crush his spirit, but I still have to say no plenty of times throughout the day. Pray for me to have discernment, perseverance and patience as Caleb's mother. Pray for me to be a mother that encourages creativity and gives my children the space they need to grow and learn. I want to work hard to provide a nurturing environment, positive memories, and fun experiences for my kids. It's a hard job, but I'm so glad God hand-picked me to be Caleb and Isaac's mom. What a joy!

Life with Two

I am so loving my life with two littles. They are both so precious in their own unique ways. I'd also like to say I am really thankful that I've had enough help from hubby, mother-in-law, and church friends that I can actually enjoy life with them instead of pull my hair out every day. Isaac continues to be the best baby on the planet. He sleeps well, eats well, smiles a big goofy grin and loves having conversations with people. I am so smitten. Caleb is struggling more with the transition to a family of four, but I have seen a lot of improvement in him. And God's grace is sufficient--every single day! Thank you, Lord. He provides everything we need: emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I am infusing my days with the boys with praise, joy and thankfulness. I fill the days with singing and teaching them about God's blessings. We are incredibly blessed. And when everything is going wrong and both kids are crying or Caleb is trying to hit his head on the ground, I praise Him. Having two littles is difficult at times, but I know this phase will pass quickly and I'm trying to enjoy the moments. I'm grateful to God for his help and guidance each step of the way. In Chinese when a couple gets married they combine two of the characters for joy and call it "double happiness." I would like to combine four of the characters for joy--quadruple happiness--that is my new family!